Really spiralling just now - where to start?

[Astridastro]

I have a chronic pain condition so every single minute of everyday part of my body is in pain. I am also constantly exhausted no amount of sleep helps. I’ve tried so many different medications most with nasty side-effects I’m currently tapering off one just now.

I’m also peri-menopausal do have all the not so wonderful symptoms of that, I am having irregular, heavy, painful periods. I have been for scans etc and all is well it’s “just” the peri-menopause. I’m on HRT patches but they don’t seem to be helping. I’m all over the place.

I have one DC who has really bad mental health they are house-bound and I’m constantly worried about them. Another who was bullied really badly at school as they were different and we’ve now realised they have ASD school never helped a bit. And another one who has ADHD and we’re getting no help for them as they aren’t bad enough (not my words). We have no family support it’s just DH and I. My parents were totally useless growing up and I’ve since went NC with my mother as a way of protecting myself from her.

My job is horrendous, not enough staff, ineffective management and I’ve just been treated like rubbish (probably since I’m too nice). I felt sick with the thought of going in this week so I phoned in sick.

So all of this has just collided into a huge anxiety and depressive mess that is me. I feel like a useless mother as I am constantly in bed exhausted or have a headache, I’m crying at the drop of a hat (despite 40mg citalopram), I hurt all over and it’s never going to get better. I’m in a dark place I feel suicidal at times but wouldn’t actually do anything as I wouldn’t do that to my DC (my friends mum did it and I saw first hand the effects). My poor DC already have a rubbish mother.

if you’ve got this far thank you for reading, I don’t know what anyone can do really no yoga or exercise I’d going to make me better

I think you may need to go back and speak with your GP about how you’re feeling. You’ve definitely made the right decision with work and the rest will do you good and give you an opportunity to get your head together.
Im not surprised you have dark thoughts, you’re going through a great deal especially the worry over your kids.
You sound a very good mum from what you’ve written.

Hi op, so sorry to hear how things are for you.

I don't have chronic pain but I do have an underlying mental health issue which has been made much much worse by the perimenopause.

I also have ND DC and know how challenging life can be for them (and you) - and I've also had that statement to the effect that they aren't bad enough to warrant assessment/intervention. I am also estranged from my mother. Like you, it has always been me and dh. I don't think you are a bad mum - you care about dc and have them on your mind as you have expressed your concerns here.

I am not working and although I miss the comaraderie this can bring, I honestly don't know if I could cope with work (with insomnia and anxiety thrown in). I feel like I'm in a dark place and I can feel quite bleak about the future.

HRT hasn't really been effective for me so far. I started with the gel which apparently wasn't absorbing well and I have moved onto patches (which don't seem to be working as well as the gel but it is early days). All this leaves me feeling helpless. I think you do need to speak to your GP about medication - have you been referred to a specialist? Or perhaps try a different GP. I understand about side effects as I seem to be having the same issue with medication for mental health- I feel like I'm just doing a continual loop.

I think you've done the right thing taking some time off work. I can't really advise as I'm struggling day to day but I do find going outside helps and for me it's being near water. It's rubbish that the hrt isn't helping because hormonal imbalance affects everything including mood. Added on top of this, you are trying to look after your dc and the challenges this brings (I need frequent breaks to re-energise) and do the best I can. So, so difficult.

@bugsjiggle sorry you are feeling like this too it’s bad enough to struggle with your mental health then the peri menopause comes along and hits you for 10. I’ve seen a gynaecologist and he was quite dismissive of HRT he said my choices were go back on the mini pill or a Mirena Coil. I was on the mini pill for years but then started to get heavy break through bleeding whilst on it. My GP has recommended the Mirena which I’ve never really like the thought of so I don’t know what to do. The GP sent me to a chronic pain specialist who was lovely but utimately told me she can’t take my pain away, she told me to get off gabapentin as the side effects were awful and just to try and stick to the opiates. She said I was doing everything else I could re diet/supplements. I should exercise more but it’s so hard when you are always exhausted and your body hurts so much.

Ive been biting down on my jaw so much last night (not grinding more biting down) that I have my usual headache/neck/shoulder pains today. I went and got a top up shop then lay down and fell asleep until 12:30pm still feel tired now.

I tried calling the GP yesterday but kind of got told to go away by the receptionist and that I can self-certify for 7 days. I thought about what I would be telling someone else in my position and I would be saying get a doctors line take a few weeks off to rest and look after your family don’t worry about this shit show. There’s so many times in the past I dragged myself in unwell as I felt guilty. I have been past up for promotion yet if anyone’s is off it’s oh Astrid will cover it, I’m not good enough for the role yet I’m good enough to cover it for weeks/months at a time. They think I’m sitting at home waiting for scraps like a dog. I think I’m seen as a trouble-maker as I’ve seen things that shouldn’t be happening and have said things about it but nothing ever happens. Management are too weak to do anything. Plus there’s never enough staff as other people get fed up and leave. You shouldn’t feel sick when you think of your job. It’s so cliquey too and I won’t be part of cliques who think it’s ok not to treat children well. I know I should leave but I actually do love my job just not that side of it it’s such a shame.

i feel like everyone is going to be saying I’m too weak or unwell to do my job now too. My brain feels shot to pieces just now between fibro fog, menopause fog and weaning myself off gabapentin which causes memory loss it’s a wonder I have a brain cell left.

The worse things just now are the TMJ pain from the clenching of my jaw and the general fibro pain both being made worse by stress 🤦‍♀️