I am suicidal. I think I've always felt suicidal - even when I felt happy I felt like I was on borrowed time. I had a fairly traumatic childhood which I've spent a lot of my adult life trying to work through but haven't got there and I don't feel I ever will as I don't think I have the resilience or skills.
I have been in the same job for a long time, I earn very little, I have no savings and don't feel like I have any career prospects.
I have a 5 year old son who I love dearly, but parenthood has not been what I imagined it would be. My son is rude, enjoys winding me up and I get absolutely no pleasure from being his mother. He is such a handful -he never listens, he will only do what he wants to do whenever he wants to do it. He wasn't always like this but now I don't see how he will grow out of some of the behaviours he has developed, probably due to my terrible parenting.
I lost a baby earlier this year in fairly traumatic circumstances, and I'm pregnant again. I feel like I cannot cope with another child because I cannot cope with my son...which feels weird to write and feel as we have been trying for another child for years. Now I'm pregnant again I am really thinking about having a termination. My 5 year old is so out of control and I am a terrible parent. I thought a big family was my dream but the idea of having another child feels absolutely terrifying.
I feel like the best thing for everyone, including my son, would be for me to die. I have tried reaching out to a few places to get some support but it's not forthcoming and I don't know how I can carry on like this. My partner is kind of supportive but is very lost in an intense job and doesn't really know how to support me when I am feeling this low.
I don't really know what I want to achieve by posting this.