I'm seriously unhappy with a lot in my life right now. I haven't had or felt depression in years, I went through therapy and meds and finally got myself to a place where I felt content and happy.
I had a baby and we had no outside help, we still don't, and when she was young I experienced post partum rage. Oh boy I've never felt anything like that at all. I was angry and resentful of her dad, his life continued and mine just toppled. He is a brilliant dad but, of course, he's a man, he earns more money, he pays more bills ... you get it. He's not doing anything wrong but ...
Is it post partum depression if it appears in the toddler stages??? Sometimes I worry I hate her dad and thats awful. I feel I have to dig very deep to feel any love for him. It's there but it's buried under everything else, resentment, anger, stress, tiredness. His work is so stressful and I have to listen to him vent every evening otherwise I'm not supportive. Because my work is low stress I guess I never get asked how my day went. Often he'll tell me something and on the outside I'm attentive but on the inside I'm like, I really don't care. And I've stopped caring about a lot of stuff. I get hungry and eat but if there's no food I don't care and just won't bother. I've stopped caring about my job because, even though it's such a good job and my employer is very good, I just don't want to work any more. Even though I've had a job since i was sixteen, I've worked hard for my money for over eleven years now, suddenly I just don't want to do it any more. I have an 'oh well' attitude to a lot of stuff now. And sometimes I want to explode. Several times this week I've wanted to throw my phone at a brick wall when I miss typed a word more than once. I've shouted at my work laptop when it was slow. I'm slamming doors and hiding from my toddler because, I love her to death, but if I'm in the room with other people she only wants me. She wants to sit on me, climb on me, cling to me. Then she wants away from me but as soon as she's away she wants to come back. I had to 'pull a man' the other day and pretend I needed a poop but I just hid upstairs on my phone.
My partner and I are constantly snippy with eachother. 'What do you want to do this weekend', 'I don't mind, it's up to you' why is it always up to me???? Conversations are dry and repetitive. And when I say to him, I feel like we're always snippy with eachother, he acts like he doesn't know what I'm talking about and says he thinks we've been fine??
And I just don't want sex. I just don't want it any more. It's not that he's bad in bed, when we do it it's very good, but I mean I'd be happy never having it again. The last time we did it, it had been a while and I couldn't reject him again, but I wasn't into it and it just hurt. I just don't want to do it. I'd rather have my dinner, take a shower and go to bed in peace every night.
Our daughter was planned and very very much loved and wanted. I don't regret her for a second but this has been the hardest thing I've ever done. We didn't go into this expecting help but it would be nice. We have no friends or family to help us. We're on our own. And yet years ago we babysat for family, when everyone else had their babies they all had help, now it's our turn and everyone has fucked off. And when we can't get paid childcare, both of us put our jobs at risk either WFH with her or taking unpaid leave, putting rent and bills at risk. Our family KNOW this and yet still have the audacity to ask when we're having another????? When they also know I nearly died having her anyway???????????
Everyone can fuck off. Apart from my daughter and my cat. I want to give her the world but I feel like I can never give her enough, I can never connect with her like I should, I'm a fraud and feel like I'm not cut out to be her mum.