Bonding worry

[RhianneD]

Hi all, such a shame there isn’t a topic on bonding - how strange.

I’m wondering if anyone has a similar experience to me / also open to feedback on what you think might be going on.

TW - discussion of loss and health anxiety

My DS had some health problems in the beginning and I had severe anxiety for several months after he was born. I was convinced I would lose him, and then when his health improved and I felt confident enough he would be ok, I became convinced I was dying. It was a weird and terrifying time, and I’m grateful to say we’re both doing a lot better.

DS is now 11 months, and I KNOW I love him. I would die for him, I would do anything for him, but the love I feel doesn’t feel warm and fuzzy most of the time. There are moments of that, for sure, but usually I feel either anxiously, fearfully in love with him, or an intellectual knowledge of my love for him. The way I imagine it is like I have an adrenaline/ cortisol fuelled love, rather than an oxytocin love. It feels horrible, and I feel so guilty, like I should love him more. Does anyone relate?

Hey, so sorry to hear you're feeling this way.

I just wanted to jump on and say you aren't alone, i have never spoken on it as i could never find the words but you have worded this so perfectly. This is exactly how i feel about my first born (he's 2 now)

I have never been a "warm and fuzzy" person and find it hard to show affection towards anyone even family, even tho i know i love them.

When my son was a year old i went to my GP about health/death anxiety. From the minute he was born i was convinced I would loose him. It then got worse over time and i was convinced everyone i loved would die. Even if my partner was late home from work i would convince myself he was gone. It got too much in the end i couldn't even take my son out alone.

I don't think i can give any advise, only that if you are really struggling with the anxiety side of things then it might be worth a conversation with the GP, just so you know your options. Otherwise, just know you aren't alone in feeling this way, your post has reassured me in knowing im not the only person that feels like this too so thank you for sharing

Don't be too hard on yourself, you sound like a great mum :)

Hello, thanks so much for responding. I’m really glad it’s been reassuring for you to read too. I really am the same, always worrying that something has happened to the people I love. Perhaps it makes sense that it would be most profound with our children of all people.

It sounds like you’re a lovely mum too.

Thank you for your advice. I will think about speaking to my GP - generally haven’t had the best experience with them. I have my son’s one year review coming up with the health visitor so might even ask them if there is any support for this.

I hope you will be kind to yourself too x