Coercive relationship

[StrawberryWillow]

I have finally realised, 7 years later, that I was in a coercive relationship. I always knew something wasn't right and for 7 years I've questioned it. And thankfully a few weeks ago the word coerced just popped into my head, I've done a lot of research and there is no doubt this is what I went through, and managed to escape in the end. After all this time, of course I have no proof. My question is, did anyone else take a long time to realise they were abused? And have you ever managed to get past it?

I was in an abusive relationship and have been out of it for 9+ years now.
When I look back at that time I think I'm detached from it being my reality, it is strange.
When I really think about it I can get upset at what I went through although i harbour no ill feeling towards the perpetrator, again I think that is because I'm detached from it.
I haven't had a relationship or even dated anyone since and I don't know why. I'm 33 now so I do wonder if I ever will but there is time.

I'm sorry to hear you went through that. I've always felt upset by that relationship even before realising it was abuse. I think things will get easier over time, but I'm not sure I'll ever get over it or be able to ever fully move on from it.

It has completed changed me as a person, I'm not the laid back, relaxed person I use to be, and it's because of what he did to me. Maybe that's the same for you. These things have such an impact on you, for a long time I didn't even realise he had changed me so much...for the worse.

I am not the person I was before him and I will never ever be that person again unfortunately.
I know that whatever happened was not my fault and I didn't deserve it, I am "me" again now but a different me. I like me and I have some amazing people in my life.
All of My friends that I have now have no idea what I went through and I don't tell anyone, it isn't shame but I just don't want pity or to be subconsciously to them "natureswick who was abused".

I think if people knew my past they would be pretty shocked as I am a strong person and I stand up for what's right and I stand up for myself. I don't think people's view of me now would align with someone who was physically, mentally and coercively abused.
That is part of me now as I would never tolerate being treated badly, sometimes to the point I may take things in the wrong way sometimes in a bid to not be abused down the line.
It's such a complicated matter.

Just know that it wasn't your fault and you didn't deserve it.

Thank you, it's taken me all of these years to finally admit that it wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve it. I have blamed myself all of this time to the point where I now feel a shell of myself. I miss me, but I'm not sure I'll ever get me back, and that makes me sad.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, you most certainly didn't deserve this and it's such an important step that you recognise and acknowledge what happened. And that you now see that none of this was your fault.

I've never been in a coercive relationship so can't comment from actual experience.

But can I ask you something: would it be possible for you to defy your past and a belief you seem to hold?

You may be able to get yourself back after all and rebuild yourself even if it is into a new version of yourself?

I am not sure, but could you start telling yourself a new story, for example that you CAN get yourself back and take back your power in that way?

maybe this helps, just wanted to put this out there

sending lots of support

Thank you so much. I've tried for so long to manage this myself and have found it impossible. Maybe now I've recognised what happened that will help a bit, but I'm waiting to be referred for CBT so I'm hoping that will be exactly what I need to get through this and back to a better version of myself. Thank you for the suggestions, I will definitely try thinking of/telling myself a new story, it's a good focus.

You got this, OP!

♥️

@StrawberryWillow I realise this conversation was last month but came across it when looking for people's stories on this topic. After some research I believe my ex Husband was like this with me, but still unsure, as mentioned above I'm not the person I used to be and have lost all confidence so I'm doubtful as whether he was abusive or whether it was me imagining it, im so confused and am seeking help through the NHS with medication and CBT.

@Seaqueen24 i believe having that doubt is proof you were in a coercive relationship, I've realised that's what the abusers do, they don't want you to think for yourself, certainly not realise what they've done to you. I don't want many people knowing about this because I don't think many would believe me, but also like you, I worry that maybe I don't believe it either, did he do the things I think I remember or am I making some of it up in my head? I've written all of it down and add to the list when I remember something else, and every time I read it back I realise, yes he did do all that and yes that is very much coercive behaviour from a narcissist.

@Seaqueen24 i am glad you are seeking help, that's a really strong first step. I have just started CBT as well, so hoping that will help. Don't doubt yourself, that's what these abusers want.