Would it be a bad idea for me to have kids?

[frenchbug112]

I'm mid-30s, so it's time to go for it if I do want to have kids - but I worry very much about the impact of my mental health on said kids. Could they develop MH issues because of me, and could my MH get worse through being a parent?

Bit of background: though there are times when I'm well and feeling really good, I've been on-and-off severely depressed since I was a teenager. I had a childhood where my dad came to treat us, especially me, as if he hated us and that we were horrible people/being who we were was always wrong somehow; I suspect he was a narcissist. He was diagnosed with Aspergers too, if that's useful to know. My mum was depressed from when I was very young (because of Dad I imagine, though she was first diagnosed when she was in her 20s), and I often felt like I had to hold things together for her and my brother; I found being in a family stressful and sad, and sometimes scary. I have been diagnosed and treated for OCD and anxiety over the years (lots of CBT on the NHS, and antidepressants for the depression), and I work really hard at handling it all and 'seeming fine' when I need to, but MH issues always seems to come back. I've also been suicidal a few times, and the anxiety I've had has been very physical; stomach pains so intense I couldn't stand up straight, for example, and my OCD means I sometimes panic when driving so my hands/feet shake. As I said before though, sometimes I'm well and calm and these things don't happen at all.

I never necessarily wanted kids, and my DH is open either way (though I feel like he'd enjoy them if we had them). But I'm at a point where I feel like something's missing, and am wondering if this is how people feel when they want children. I know my mum was my age when she went from not wanting kids to really wanting them. Admittedly, I'm currently in a job I'm not interested in, and work is usually the thing that gives me joy/purpose - which I know makes me very fortunate. I also am currently moderately depressed, which of course means it's hard to feel engaged in much. Most of our friends have kids, too, so maybe it's just social pressure. But I am so afraid of not being able to parent properly with things like OCD (I'd be so scared I'd hurt the baby somehow without meaning to, for example, even though there's no evidence to suggest I would do this), and I'm very aware that parenting is not the right fit for everyone. I do love children, though - I've worked with kids through charity roles for years, and enjoy spending time with my friends' kids. I think I'll always be a bit sad not to have kids, but think that's maybe preferable to the issues that could arise with having them.

Any advice or insights would be so welcome. I feel stuck and confused!

Honestly? I'd say no, don't have kids. From your description (and appreciate it's based on the particular words you've written and could be swayed depending on your current MH) I think you would struggle. I highly doubt you would hurt your baby but MH does run in families (look at your Mum) so your child may inherit it but I'd say the main reason is being responsible for another human is hard. The anxiety and worry once you've had them never goes away and if your down periods are frequent and long then it would be a no for me.

Sorry if that sounded blunt. I am impressed that you are giving it such careful consideration and thinking about the impacts to a future child. Wishing you the best whatever you decide.

Thanks mistymistymorning - I really appreciate your honest response. I get so tired of people flippantly saying, 'go for it, you'll be fine!' when it's such a big decision that involves bringing a brand new person into the world - so thank you for your thoughts. I think I should say that I'm often fine and well - and in those times, I think I'd be okay. Also: my friends know me as a big planner, and someone who is very 'what if?' about most things before I decide to do them. But it's just I'm so scared the MH will come back and make things hard for the child and for me parenting them. Plenty of people have it much worse than me and seem to manage/often are brilliant parents - but I guess I'm just worried. I just don't want to make the wrong choice when the stakes are so high, you know?

It is up to you but I had a similar traumatic childhood and have MH issues although not bad enough to interfere with daily life really. My mother is aspergers and dad suspected narc. Weirdo parents and MH does NOT mean you don't deserve to be a parent or you shouldn't have kids. That idea is discriminatory against those with MH and those with trauma.
I am early thirties became a new parent 3 months ago. The joy is unreal. I've struggled with PND but it hasn't stopped me bonding with my gorgeous daughter. I actually only feel down when she is asleep and not distracting me with her gorgeous smile! I have an amazing support network, in laws, friends, new mum friends, amazing partner, really close to my siblings so all that helps massively!
And my horrendous childhood experience of family actually makes me so so determined to have an idyllic happy family as an adult. I believe I am repairing the past by creating an amazing childhood and life with my daughter who will never ever experience anything I went through.
It's up to you but don't write yourself as a parent due to MH and trauma. If you had loving parents, you probably would not have MH. I know I wouldn't!

I’m the opposite as I have MH issues, anxiety, adhd, asd ocd and childhood trauma. I knew from a young age I was going to have children and lots of them. It’s been the absolute best thing as it has given me a focus and happiness that I wouldn’t have had otherwise

I agree with PP, amazing that you're considering this before deciding whether to have a child or not, it is a big decision.

It's hard to really advise as everyone is so different. I've always struggled with depression and anxiety, I was actually sectioned several times in my 20s, and although I reached a point it was largely managed with meds etc I still had very down periods- some days were a real struggle. I fell pregnant on the pill (I religiously took them but mustn't have been as firm with sickness etc as I should have been I guess) and it was a huge decision on what to do. I have an amazingly supportive husband and network of family and friends which undoubtedly helps, we decided to proceed with the pregnancy. My MH was fine during pregancy, I was allocated a specialist midwife but thankfully was alright.

Postnatally though it really exasperated my anxiety and I developed PND; thankfully I could access support in the community but I'm not going to lie it was exceptionally challenging. Over the years been a bit up and down, I love being a mum and on the whole can do everything I need to be a good one (if that makes sense), but there have been days when others have had to step in and look after DS because I've felt unable to get out of bed or to function. These have been rare. On the other hand I keep in touch with someone I was sectioned with and she is doing really well- 3 beautiful babies and coping amazingly well.

If you have a strong support network I'd say go for it IF it's what you want, if you're undecided then I wouldn't risk it.

It's great that you're giving this so much careful consideration. From what I've seen/discussed with friends/ read about/ experienced, it can work both ways in terms of having children can have a very positive effect on mental health too. Something to consider is that having your own children can make you really reflect on your own childhood, which can be very hard hitting if there were things that you have come to realise were very difficult. It is worth thinking about what your support network is like now and how much help you will receive when you're in the early, sleep-deprived stages. You will hopefully receive a lot of support if you are prepared to be very open and honest with midwives and health visitors about your current and previous states of mind. It sounds to me as though you are a very reflective person and that you would make a really good mum, because you're considering this so carefully.

I’ll also be blunt - like you I’ve had periods of bad depression over my life, the anxiety has always been there too but would get worse then ease off. Having children made my mental health worse. The depression hit me hard and the anxiety was unbearable after I had my first child. Fortunately, I had a really understand GP who helped me get the correct meds but the first year or so was a very dark time indeed (as well as being one of the happiest times of my life, how strange depression is…) They’re in primary school now and my mental health is pretty sound. Sometimes the weight of the responsibility of them makes my anxiety really bad but it’s much easier to deal with now. The joy they bring me makes it so worth it, even though some times can get very dark.

If you do really want children then it is possible - you can prepare for the worst and have that support ready just in case you get unwell. If you’re not sure if you want them I would say don’t rush into it.

One of my parents had bad depression when I was young and I remember how it affected me. They would sleep a lot and I was emotionally neglected. I was determined not to let that happen to my DC and some days it has felt like an absolute battle to do anything but I drag myself out of that hole so they don’t experience what I did.

Unless you started a concerted, long-term course of psychotherapy (the NHS loves CBT because outcomes are 'measurable' but it seldom works for deep-seated, historical trauma (see Swedish Study on CBT)), I would advise against it. As someone who has been in therapy for many years with profound trauma, with a narcissistic mother, a depressed father, I would not have had enough insight to shield my child from the worst of my experiences.

But whether you have children or not (and it is wonderful that you are weighing up such a difficult decision so carefully), and if it's at all possible, I'd consider changing therapy to Psychodynamic Therapy or Psychoanalytical Psychotherapy.

I agree with PP about the importance of undergoing proper psychoanalytic psychotherapy. I have a similarly traumatic background. I'm now 40 with a 5 year old, and I thank my lucky stars I had the wherewithal to get myself into therapy in my early thirties, before having a child. After therapy, I felt completely confident I could be a good parent. The insight I gained changed me on an emotional level, and I knew I wouldn't repeat the cycle. I don't think it'd necessarily take years either, it didn't for me.

For me another hugely important factor was having a DH that I knew would be 100 percent involved, supportive and kind. We don't have a great support network, but I knew we could do it together.

I still of course suffer from the effects of the childhood abuse and neglect, even though I'm much improved. I still flash back into the trauma at times, I'm not as emotionally resilient as a "normal" person, and I need more rest. But I think it's possible to be a good parent without being completely healed. When you have the awareness, you can manage these things with minimal impact on your child.

I think becoming a mother has made my mental health both better and worse. I used to be horribly self-critical, and now I'm much more self-accepting. Having a loving parent-child relationship, and a happy family, is incredibly healing. It's enough, and it makes me feel like I'm enough. On the flip side, being a mother opens you up to a level of worry and anxiety that you can't really comprehend beforehand. And it's so relentless, there's very little time to decompress. I'm sure therapy would give you a better feeling for whether the positive would outweigh the negative, for you.

Good luck, I hope you feel at peace with whatever decision you make.

You don't really want a baby so best that you don't have one. I can't see a baby improving your mental health.

thanks so much to everyone who's posted - I really appreciate you all sharing your experiences and your thoughts with me. they've been so useful to read and reflect on since I posted back in the summer. and just to mention, for those who wisely pointed out I should get therapy beyond CBT stuff - I didn't mention in my post, but I've been doing private therapy on and off for years too, and have found it amazingly helpful, especially when paired with CBT.
I'm still pretty unclear on what I want, but I've had treatment for the depression I was in when I first posted so feel like I think more clearly and logically about it all now. I'm not much of a gambler and having kids feels like it would be a big risk for me - but maybe it would be worth it. I honestly don't know. but yes - just wanted to say thank you for your thoughts/different points of view - they were all so useful!

I have arrived on this board this morning desperately unhappy because I have had a terrible insight into how broken and damaged and not a good person I am, and how this will inevitably horribly damage my kids as I was damaged, and genuinely wanting to die to get myself away from them but knowing that would damage them too so feeling utterly trapped in an awful situation that none of us can escape. My mother had severe mental health problems and killed herself 5 years ago. I'm horrified as the more I look at myself the more I see I'm just like her. Insecure, emotionally immature, selfish, irrational, impulsive, self-pitying. I don't want to be this person. I don't want my perfect, beautiful children to have this for their mum. But I don't want them to have no mum at all. I know I am in crisis right now, and this awful feeling will pass a little, but it will always be true that I am this broken thing, and if I manage to be a good enough mum to them that's as good as I'll ever be, and it will be through daily doing battle with these horrible personality traits. My mental illness isn't something I can cure, it's built into the system. It's who I am. I can medicate it, and I can fight against it, but I'll never BE the healthy, balanced, loving and giving person I can pretend to be on my best day. It will always be a struggle. And that's what I've given them.

So my advice would be no, don't have kids. Which sounds horrible and mean, but if I could do it without hurting them I'd walk away from mine now, even though I love them more than life itself, because I don't want to expose them to the mess that is my mind and heart and soul. If you haven't yet had kids and have no overwhelming need to do so, then don't. It will be hard for you, and hard for them.

My mum left me and my sister with my dad (who had his own problems) when we were little kids, and always said "I just was in such a low place I thought you would be better off without me". When I was little this made me sad for her; when I had my own DD1 it made me angry as I thought it was a lie, a self-serving lie, that enabled her to walk away from her responsibilities and pursue her own wants, because who could look at their tiny child and walk away from them really believing that was better?

Now I know. I understand. I still think she was wrong as the mess I am just proves walking away does its own damage, but i can 100% see why she felt the way she did now. Just as I can 100% see why she killed herself in the end, because the idea of living with the knowledge of how incomplete, how inadequate I am to the task of being there for the most important people in my life, and having to keep on being there anyway and failing every day forever, feels unbearable in this moment. I can see why she decided, in both situations, not to bear it any more.