Depressed about the life I have

[CutiePatooties]

I hate the property I rent and the fact that I’ll never own my own home. I hate that I don’t have any friends, no hobbies, no social life and spend all my time stuck indoors, taking the kids out or at work. That’s it. I’m just existing.

I’ve never been on a plane and only ever been abroad once as a teenager on a school trip. Never taken my children abroad, DH doesn’t like going anywhere or doing anything as he says it’s hassle with kids. I pay for nearly everything and he contributes next to nothing, as he’s paying off a massive debt each month. I haven’t had my hair cut in a year (can’t afford it) I’m obese and really horrendously ugly -we got married last year and the photographer never posted our pics but posts all her other weddings on her insta. The videographer uploads his videos to YouTube but didn’t upload ours. I posted pics of it on SM and no one commented or liked the photos. I’ve come off SM as don’t have any real friends anyway.

No one likes me at work and I find my job extremely difficult. I’m a teacher and I have BPD so the stress just got too much and I asked to drop to 2 days from September but I don’t think it’s helped at all. All summer I’ve been sent things to do when I only work 2 days a week now and will only get a grand a month after tax. They’ve given me a subject to lead as well, despite me saying I’m dropping days due to stress. I don’t think I can continue in this job.

I don’t have a relationship. We have no sex life, never go on dates, he doesn’t show me any affection AT ALL and we don’t talk much. In the evening I used to like watching tele to unwind but he comments on everything that’s happening in the storyline etc so I take myself off to bed early now. Just stay in bed crying most nights.

My family don’t care either. I am one of 7 children and our parents only help out 2 of the siblings who are successful. They own their own homes and make lots of money and my mum watches their kids while they go to work but won’t watch mine or my eldest brother’s children so he had to give up work and I just pay the extortionate childcare but that’s ridiculous as I’m only breaking even. I had a bleed while I was pregnant and asked my mum to come with me but she was round the favoured sibling’s house at a party of theirs so didn’t come. If I ask her to have the kids for a day she says no, even if she’s got nothing else to do and at home all day. One of these siblings even put a post up on fb saying 50% of his siblings are shit. I can only assume he means me being included in that, as he didn’t come to my wedding. We have two alcoholics, me with BPD and one brother with paranoid schizophrenia. They leave all of us out of everything and have just decided to shut us out. The youngest brother hasn’t and he came to my wedding, but I feel that for the favoured two, the rest of us just aren’t good enough for them as we all have something wrong with us. Our paranoid schizophrenic brother is in prison and I was the only one to visit him as everyone else seems to have given up on him. I just hate that we don’t have a compassionate family.

We had hardly anyone at our wedding and the people who came left early as it was completely dead and boring. We ended up ending the whole thing at 9.30pm or 10pm and someone who I thought was a friend, then told everyone at work that I had no one come to my wedding. How embarrassing.

I honestly just exist; I’m not living. No hobbies, no friends, no sex life, no marriage that’s worth anything, no money, no social life, no family who are interested, don’t look after myself, I’m hideous to look at, my job stresses me out, I’m over-worked and underpaid. Every day is Groundhog Day. The only time I go out is to take the kids out so they have enjoyment but even then I pay for everything and he pays for nothing so I have no money for myself at all. My hair is a complete mess, have no money for make up or the gym etc. Nothing to make me feel better about myself.

I go back to work this week and I’m dreading it. I’ve never job-shared before and the woman I will be job-sharing with is a member of SLT with very high expectations and I’ve only just passed my NQT. I’m scared about this. I know I won’t keep up with her demands or the demands of leading a subject and they want me to do a full time job for part-time pay. I just hate it.

I just feel like I’m never going to be happy.

Not sure what I want from posting this, but I have no one to talk to. If I talk to DH he walks off while I’m talking and goes into another room, which has become too painful that I now just don’t talk to him.

Hi @CutiePatooties I just wanted to say that I hear you. I’m pretty miserable about my life too right now (financial struggles and both kids grown up and left home, I live alone). Just sending some unmumsnetty hugs to you xx

It’s sounds like you are in a bad place. Have you spoken to GP? You may benefit from therapy/ medication?

Perhaps also see if you are eligible for the weight loss injection?

if you felt a bit better then you may be able to tackle other things and make changes.

That sounds really tough. You are hard on yourself and I hope that you can be kind to yourself as I am sure that you are to others, such as visiting your brother in prison.

I hope that you find some strength soon.

Why do you stay in your marriage? It sounds toxic. Your husband sounds like a financial black hole and a drain on your energy, and a total bore.

You could do with a break from working, if you re in receipt of PIP (?) you may also qualify for housing benefit, if single. You really don't come across as being at all well mentally, or physically. A couple of years at home, therapy, weight loss, working on your self esteem, spending time with your kids. Separated, you might meet somebody decent who values you. You sound as if you are heading for a breakdown like this.

@AInightingale I don’t have any money for a deposit as all my money goes into providing things for the kids, plus paying half of everything else. I also don’t earn enough to be considered for renting anything big enough for me and my 2 girls.

I am in receipt of PIP, so that’s good to know that I could claim housing benefit if single. However, it’s really difficult to find a private landlord that accepts benefit tenants and I’ve spoken to the council but they won’t put me on a waiting list for a council property as I have somewhere to live and I’m still on the lease here until November anyway. I just don’t know how I’d be able to leave him.

I do agree that I’m sinking further into depression; I just can’t think of a way out.

This sounds incredibly difficult OP. As a first step, could you get yourself to the GP? You are clearly depressed and as a result you're paralyzed and can't see a way out. An anti-depressant (and therapy) might be the thing you need to lift your mood enough to make some changes.

Agree with above poster about help from the NHS and also, I think you need to ask your husband to leave if he is contributing nothing in terms of finance or anything else. You're working to pay the bills and live an utterly soul-destroying existence. People moan on about 'benefits dependency' but it can lift people out of terrible situations and exploitative relationships. You might be better off working part time as a single parent or having a break from work for a couple of years while you sort your head out, receiving a little help with your rent, and not supporting a useless debt-saddled man. If you loved him and he cared about you, it would be different, but it doesn't sound as if you do.