Can you be re-traumatised?

[HelpaFriend85]

My father was an alcoholic. he’s dead. My brother binge drank this weekend on a family event. He got aggressive and wanted to fight people. I stepped in pushing him back (I got hurt myself).

It was complicated. I ended up holding him down, til I got help from people. I then went and got the person my brother wanted to beat up out of the house.

I also saw it coming, so to speak so got my kids away and other kids so they didn’t see anything.

the whole thing was exhausting. It took me back to when I was younger with the shit with my dad. His drinking, the arguments and fighting. I’m stronger now, in the past when my brother has done stuff like this I get really upset and shout at him etc. but I had to be the calm one in the very heated room of shouting. I got people away, told people to leave me with him etc. gave him space, got him food.

it’s the day after the night before so to speak. No one is saying a word. I’m exhausted. I feel physically ill, I’ve lost my voice. My body wants to sleep. I feel a sort of disassociation. And partly feel re-traumatised but partly stronger because I didn’t shout at my brother or get angry. I tried to diffuse the situation. But it’s taken it out of me.

I just don’t have anyone to speak to as the family have closed up. Won’t talk about it today. I’ve not got therapy for a while. Exhausted. I guess I just needed ti let it out here.

Yes. Absolutely.

Maybe consider some counseling because the tentacles of your childhood are long.

Be kind to yourself and get some rest.

That sounds horrendous for you and all concerned. I’m sorry.

Thank you. I have some therapy planned for next week, I’ve been taking a break. I had worked through so much of this trauma. I was feeling partly healed. I am so so so exhausted today. It’s like my body wants to shut down

Your body has gone into extreme fight or flight and it will take a while for those hormones to dissipate. The most important 'takeaway' that I read from the incident was but partly stronger because I didn’t shout at my brother or get angry. You're not the child who was forced to cope with your father's drinking and you're not the person who previously got upset with your brother and had to shout at him. No, you dealt with the situation as a adult and you should be really proud of yourself.

Maybe your brother should learn from you and get himself into therapy...

Thank you @Eyesopenwideawake for your response, yes I was really shocked at my response. I was more composed. I mean at one point I was prepared to call the police, my priority was my kids and then of course my brother not harming anyone. It’s weird but at one point I could see that my brother wasn’t responding unless someone showed emotion.

So I did show some emotion but it was my conscious choice. I persuaded my mum to just walk away. I did have to raise my voice and I felt happy to push back, but I knew if I said or did too much it would aggravate the situation. I was no hero it took a few people to hold him back. But I felt people listened to me, in a sense the person he wanted to beat up - I was like I’m taking them out. It was hard work, it’s like everyone else was getting consumed by the chaos. I’m not a hero but just keeping composed helped me. Today though I am shattered.

I’d love my brother to have some therapy he’s so far removed from doing anything. It’s very sad.

I'm not surprised you're shattered, there must have been buckets of adrenaline running round your body! Have a look at this video to understand what happens to your body when it's under stress;

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Thank you. I will have a look and thanks for those that have responded. I feel sad for everyone involved. Even though I got the kids out of the way sent them all upstairs. They must have known something was going on. I’m so angry with everyone involved too.

My brother hasn’t said a word of apology. He has apologised to the family members he kicked off with but not me, or his wife. There were several of us affected, me physically as I got hurt holding him back.

I want to write him a letter, at the moment I see the wounded child in him and know that this behaviour stems from his childhood with my dad etc. I don’t want to attack him. He’s become quite arrogant over the last 4-5 years. I want him to seek out therapy but I think it’s unlikely. I don’t actually think he respects women much either as he’s only apologised to the men.

I’m not sure how to help, but I do want to say how dare you ruin our time away as a family at this event. Rare, precious time. I know he’ll get defensive hence a letter.

What outcome do you want to achieve with the letter and/or conversation?

I want him to recognise his behaviour, or the severity of it and the impact on others. However I suspect he lacks the ability to recognise that he’s upset us. My fear is he could make life very difficult for other family members if I send this letter, he could shut me out as this causes issues for my mum as they live together as an extended family.

I don’t want to attack him, I want to suggest how he might obtain help but also get him to see that his childhood, our experiences but also his as a young adult when I left the home have damaged him and he needs severe trauma management. We had young parents so were in our early 20s when Dad passed away and he only in his 40s.

The ideal outcome would be a) he chooses to stop drinking or at least realise that at family events he can’t drink b) he seeks out therapy. He’s incredibly charming, sociable etc and last time he said he started giving the therapist therapy, which I know immediately is a defence mechanism and he wasn’t willing to enter into the therapy. I want to call that out. I know he’ll have deep embedded issues why I think EMDR might me useful but he needs to open up to this he has a young family .

Thank you @Eyesopenwideawake for engaging with me I really appreciate you taking the time for a complete stranger.

You're welcome!

There's a saying that comes to mind "Can people change? Yes. Can you change other people? No"

From what you've said he would very much benefit from therapy but is probably scared and defensive of what he will learn and what changes he will need to make. Given that he doesn't respect women I would be happy to PM you details of a couple of my male colleagues - he might just be intrigued enough by the time limited, non 'woo', solution focussed approach of remedial hypnosis to at least have an initial consultation.

Yes please are they operating remotely? That would be wonderful.

Sent!

I am so sorry to hear what has happened just lately, and in your life previously. It must be dreadful for you. You might already know about this organisation, but if you don't, or have heard of them but haven't looked into it before, please do have a look at Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics. They are non-judgemental, kind and very supportive.

None of what has happened is your fault and you sound like a lovely, caring person trying to do your best in a very wretched situation.

Sincerely wishing you and your family better times ahead. x

Thank you @REP22

i just feel an immense amount of sadness, shock, I’m still processing the incident. My brother did get hit quite hard during this incident, it’s like parts of of it are coming back to me days later. I know now he got hit which is why he was retaliating. It’s really so very very sad, I don’t want this for my brother. I feel so sad he is so damaged and he has not spoken to me but spoken to his wife and he’s ashamed of his behaviour and wants help.

it was all such a mess, just wanted to say thanks to those helping.

Oh, bless you. It's a bit like a grieving process, even though your brother is still alive. I'm sure you are sad for what happened, his choices and what they are doing to him, and for all that he could be if he wasn't drinking.

You are doing all that you can, so please try (easier said than done) not to beat yourself up.

I suppose it's a start that he says he wants help. Maybe this could be the start of something better? I'm not sure if he would read any books on the subject, but I have found The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray very helpful, as well as a podcast by a guy called SoberDave called One for the Road. Others have found This Naked Mind by Annie Grace. If a book by a woman might put him off, Alcohol Explained by William Porter, as well as How to Stop Drinking by Allen Carr, have also been recommended by a number of friends.

If he'll see a GP, ask if he can be referred (or maybe he can self-refer, I'm not sure) for SMART Recovery - Self-Help Addiction Recovery | UK Smart Recovery, Drug addiction: getting help - NHS (www.nhs.uk). I found it more helpful than AA - but AA has helped many, many people over the years, there's bound to be a friendly and supportive group near you.

But ultimately, you cannot change your brother - only he can do that. And all you can change is how you react to it. Look after yourself and keep going.

Every good wish to you. x

Hello, I’ve heard nothing from my brother. I mean we were together the following day but it was busy day with kids around so didn’t talk.

I know from my SIL he’s ashamed, doesn’t know why he acted that way.

I still keep re-living moments. He’s not called me, I kind of want to know he’s ok. But I also want him to apologise. I feel a lot of compassion but also anger. Anyway I am told he is seeking therapy. Whether he has contacted anyone i don’t know.