Worthless and ugly

[Rainfull091]

I have so little going for me. Firstly, my looks. I am late thirties but mistaken for a lot younger. Probably because I have a weird, childish face and am slim/fairly short but then I also have thinning hair, to the point where it feels like there is almost nothing at the back. Very long nose, long shaped face, slight double chin, ridiculously small ears, flat chested, weird bendy shaped arms. Have chronic illnesses which doesn't help with the hair issue in particular or the way I look so pale and drained all the time.
I have an odd voice which everyone comments on. Am single with no kids. No friends. I work but in a job that everyone comments on as they feel I should be doing more seeing as I have a degree which I don't think I should have been awarded. I say that because I barely spoke in class and couldn't handle presentations. The only positive thing I can say about myself is that I am thoughtful and kind but it always gets taken advantage of or viewed as a weakness by others so I don't see it as a positive.
My mother is very critical of me and always has been. I am estranged from the rest of my family for different reasons and the ones I do speak with, view me as a charity case due to my position in life. Silly things but distressing things seem to happen to me all the time. Bank card being cloned, being spoken to rudely at work and if an irritating thing happens, it will always be to me. This isn't me playing the victim, it's just what I have observed. I have never had luck on my side.
What I don't understand is that people at work and people I have met in the past have all said I am lovely and they love me. I don't know why unless they just like the compliant and willing side of me. Really, I'm just struggling so much. I have nobody else to talk to. I have work tomorrow and am dreading it. I feel there is nothing to look forward to and constantly feel a sense of foreboding dread.

Hi @Rainfull091
I'm sorry you're feeling like this xx
The way you describe yourself i will guarantee you there are fashion beautiful catwalk models that have your look. Pease don't say you're ugly ❤
With the other areas of your life hun, focus on one area and see what you can do to change things. Even if it takes weeks or months focus on that area of your life until you are content. You got this 💪 xx

My mother is very critical of me and always has been

I wonder how your life would have turned out if she had instead been loving and supportive?

Have a look at this article, it will go some way to explaining why you feel the way you do about yourself.

https://www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

You are obviously intelligent and you write well. You are thoughtful and kind, as you say, and these are wonderful attributes.
People have annoying things happen to them all the time, you are not the only one! The problem is not the things happening, but your perspective on it.
Regarding your looks, it sounds like that is your perspective too - small ears are good, you're slim, what's wrong with a long face? Do you have lovely skin? You look young, which everyone wants.
It can be damaging to have a very critical parent, so your viewpoint undoubtedly stems from her treatment of you.
Can you arrange counselling to help?
Think, or make a list of all the great things about you. I know it sounds trite but do the gratitude thing - you have your health, your sight, wealth, compared to much of the world and so on.
You sound like a lovely person, try not to be so down on yourself.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, wanted to send you a virtual hug! Hope you have a good day at work. I love being on my own at home, dread going into work it's hard. My work isn't even too bad! I agree with pp, make a list of positives in your life. Have you got anything you like to do/hobbies? Could you join a group and find other people with similar interests? It can be hard if you're in a funk and can't see much that is good. I promise you you do have plenty to offer, you sound lovely.

Please do this simple thing:
Take half an hour, sit down with a pen and paper and type into Google: Free Self-compassion worksheets. Then click on some and start filling them out and reading up in the rt of self compassion.

This doesn't mean you can't make some transformations if you choose to. There is a balance between accepting yourself as you are in a loving, compassionate way (which is essential and the most valuable thing you could do at this point) and allowing yourself to examine aspects of your self that you'd like to improve and taking steps to improve them.

Do you allow yourself to tackle any of the issues that bother you? FWIW I had very thin hair until I started taking supplements and now it is so thick and grows so fast the hairdresser remarks on it. Not sure which supplements do the trick, but i take vit B complex (very useful if you tend towards depression) magnesium, iron, Vit D spray and sometimes L-Tyrosine.

Did you know you could hire a vocal coach, someone trained to help actors find a good pitch for their voice, who could help you modulate it.If everyone comments on it, then it is clearly something that makes you feel self conscious on a regular basis. Voice work could be really helpful for you.

Been feeling extra down on myself today if that is even possible.
I am pathetic and weak. I got nervous about talking to someone senior at work today and I could see they noticed. Its been playing on my mind all day. I am very weak compared to everyone else. None of my other colleagues would react in the same way.
I live with 2 chronic illnesses but they are on the most part well controlled and so I am not brave or strong at all. Because of that I have to be careful what supplements I take to help solve my other issues. Like the thinning hair. Unfortunately that is also hereditary as my mother is almost bald at the back and has been since her late fifties.
I look in the mirror and just feel disgust. People mistake me for many years younger but it's not a compliment. I just look like a haggered teen. The hair which is thin and lank, the long and pointy nose, the thin lips, pale. Flat chested, pot belly, swollen knees due to my condition. Not to mention the ears, voice, mega shy and weak personality. Lack of personal success too. I constantly wonder what the point of me is and why anyone would find anything likeable about me. Despite being told I am very likeable many times, I just don't see it. It's hard to face people knowing I am so ugly and lacking in so many ways.
With my mother, she is a difficult character to say the least. But one thing she has always done is made me feel like I am not worth standing up for. She will laugh it off if I say someone has done something to upset me. Or she will say something in their defence. Unfortunately, she has passed a lot of her negative traits onto me, including her weakness. It's just weakness in a different form. Hers is shown in the critical way she is with me and how she has always taught me that I come second to others and mine is taken out in how weak and submissive I am when it comes to standing up for myself.
I appreciate those who have taken the time to reply. Thank you x

I am very likeable many times

Isn't it strange that "many times" people have got it wrong? Maybe they see something about you that you are blind to because of the the way your mother has fucked you up.

Did you read the core beliefs link?

I am going to give it a read now.
I also do think though that because I am perceived as a lot younger, that's why people like me. As in the sweet, shy "20 something" when the reality is, I am pushing 40 and a lot of the traits I have are downright weird or embarrassing at my age.

I'm sure you are not ugly. I wish I were flat-chested, for one thing and it's fine to be pale and thin lips. Could you wear nice scarves in your hair to cover the thinness?
I think it would be really helpful to have counselling for your self-esteem and possible body dysmorphia.
I hope posting has made you feel a bit better.

Ì am unfortunately.
The scarves is a good idea, sometimes I wear it half up but I think it makes me look even younger so need a different idea.
It's helped a bit, have nobody I feel could listen to me outside of here or understand so it's very helpful in that sense.

I'm really glad it's been helpful. It's good to get thoughts out and do something about the turmoil in your head. Well done, it can't have been easy writing that first post. You are brave. But...Do you think counselling would help?
I think most of the way you think lies with the way your mother was/is. It seems that her treatment has distorted your perception of yourself.
So what if you're shy or nervous? It's not a crime, and it can be endearing.
Most people would love to look younger, it's really not a bad thing but you think it is.
I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Hi @Rainfull091 Just saying hi, and that from the way you describe yourself I bet you’re actually quite lovely to look at. Scarves in your hair sound a great idea, in colours which really suit you. I think having a collection of scarves you love could be one way to increase your confidence.

Sensitive quiet people can be the best. Bombastic confident striding people are great, sure, but of no greater inherent value than someone quiet and watchful and thoughtful. Work hierarchies mean jack shit in terms of actual human value. Please unhook from that mode of self-criticism.

Have you had any therapy? That childhood of yours sounds harsh and horribly undermining. The impact it has had on your self image is not the truth about you. You can unpick it, and unlock new positive feelings about yourself.

My personality brings a lot of embarrassment. I am known primarily for being quiet and I hate that. In the past I have overheard work colleagues say 'I always try and stand up for Rainfull091 because she's really shy and can't do it herself.' I can't stand up for myself, it's true. Even the other day, someone was really rude to me at work. When management heard about the incident and spoke to me, my voice was all shaken, even though they couldn't have been any kinder and in total support of me. I am weak unfortunately. Like my mother once said 'You are weak, just like me.'
But in terms of her, she confuses me too because she has said so many hurtful things but then would do anything to help in other ways and can be very generous in terms of treating me. It then makes me feel guilty for speaking like this. It's a headfuck really.

Have you had any therapy @Rainfull091 ? It’s a good place to start unpicking this tricky stuff.

I haven't as yet. Been too focused on my other illnesses and not had the mental energy to do so if I am honest. I'm also scared to do it and yet I know it's needed. Just hard to feel I am worth doing it for as well as actually doing it. I know the waiting lists are ridiculously long and I definitely wouldn't be able to afford to go private.

You could do worse than have a read of this book;

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Responsibility-Rebellion-Unconventional-Approach-Empowerment/dp/1544509138/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=responsibility+rebellion&qid=1693554029&sr=8-1