Regaining friends with BPD - I haven't been the greatest friend

[BPDandme]

I have just seen that my friends from high school went away for the weekend together. We don't see each other often. Maybe once/twice a year so I know we aren't as close as we used to be.

We used to have a whataspp but no one uses it anymore, I do think they have a new one. I'd just love to be part of the group, to have friends again.

I haven't been the greatest friend. Thro lockdowns I went to a MH hospital 3 times and made 3 very unsuccessful attempts to hurt myself. They know about the 1st time in hospital and said they were supportive but I don't think they knew what to say. I am always the one texting first.

My sister who knows them says they are my friends and maybe they are busy to try again in a few days.

PPL are always saying reach out etc. Should I tell them I am struggling and that I really need friends right now? I know I haven't been the best friend. See because it's a big group they don't need me, they all still have each other so I feel like they have let me go as it's too much work.

Oh OP, I'm sorry I can imagine that might be a bit upsetting for you.
If it was me, I'd probably try and arrange a brunch or coffee date to try and kickstart some contact?
Sorry that you've been having a rough time, hope things improve for you.

@givemecoffeee that's a good idea. I think I will have to be a little open with them. They live in my home town. I moved away 15 years ago. I will try arrange something next time I'm home. I did meet two of them for coffee last time I was down and that was nice

Op sorry to hear that you struggle so much. Can you join a support group where you can share with others your experiences and ideas without being judged? Try some new hobbies? Netting, art group, walking group etc? At least they take out of the house? Look around to see if your local churches or community centres house any charitable groups that you may like to pop in?

Really sorry for what you’ve been through.

On the basis that friendship is a two-way street (and forgive me if I’m wrong, but it reads like you’re wanting to get back in touch so that they can support you), why not start by getting back in touch just for the sake of being in touch?

@givemecoffeee’s suggestion is a good one - make contact, arrange some things, ask how they are, etc, etc.

If you do it this way, rather than just getting in contact to say what you need from them, you’re more likely to get a positive reception.

All the best.

I would get in touch with the ones you like the best individually first c

i would avoid off load too much or any of your worries to a normal friend as it may put off some people. Perhaps just meet up and talk about some good old days or positive things or light hearted gossips initially. Also it may help you to think more positive. Not everyone is good at supporting others on an emotional level.

Hey OP, BPD is so difficult to live with so I hope you can be kind to yourself.

I see you have moved away from your hometown, I think that is likely the reason they aren't including you as much.

All friendships have a course, maybe you could put your energy into finding a smaller group of friends where you now live.

Making friends as an adult is very hard, but look what activities or hobbies would interest you and start there.

Good luck!

I agree with PP that maybe the best thing would be to text one or two friends from the group individually and ask how they are doing and what they’ve been up to, including some specific details if you can … “how’s the lovely dog that you bought during lockdown - she must be huge now?” / “are things still hectic at work? I hope it’s all settled down since last time we spoke.” / “Is your mum feeling better now? I know she was in hospital a while back.” Etc. And then say you’d love to catch up for a coffee or a walk or something like that next time you’re home.

Then when you see those friends individually, again, make sure it’s a very two-sided conversation with lots of asking, listening and empathising about them and their lives, the good and the bad. And that might be a good time to explain you know you might not have been able to be the best friend for a while but it was because you’ve been very unwell, and now you’re better it feels really good to catch up again, etc.

Wishing you the very best of luck OP. Not everybody understands about BPD and what a challenge it is to live with, but some people do, and if you pick the right friends from the larger group and put in effort to be there for them too, so it goes back to being a two-way street, those friends will be so proud of you for all the hard work you’ve put in to getting better and want to spend time with you now you’re home. In my experience, people with BPD make very good friends because if you’ve suffered like that and come back from it, it makes you a very empathetic person and people really value that in a friend.

And if they don’t, you know you tried and maybe it’s time to move on and find new friends who are a better match for who you are now. But I’m sure if you pick the right people and really rekindle the friendship by focusing on them, you’ll get a positive response. Good luck!

Hi all, thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

I had text two of them asking how they are. When we have spoken in the past it is usually a lot of me asking what they are up to/ how they are etc. Anyway I was feeling very very low this morning and text 1 who I thought would be a bit more understanding to very loosely say how low I am feeling. She has read the messages but not replied.

I think I need to 'read the room'.

It is very difficult to make friends where I have moved to. I live very rurally, next house is about 1/2 a mile away. The closest town is about 5 miles and has a population of approx 1,000 with maybe 1,000 more in the surrounding area. When I first moved up in my early 20s there were very few people my age around. Those who did invite me out (DHs cousin mostly) I always went. Out of those 3 girls 1 moved very far away but I do see her when I'm home. One just never showed up to my wedding, no text, no card, no explanation. I saw her recently enough and she spoke to me. The cousin is big into horse riding I am not. She does a lot of horsey things with horse people at the weekend.

Over the years I have joined slimming world, a gym class both of which did help a bit. It meant I did recognise some people in town. There are no mother and baby groups.