Coping strategies due to in-law behaviour triggering anxiety

[Charlie1111]

I know this isn’t an uncommon topic, but I’m in a position where my in-laws are pretty dreadful, but not quite dreadful enough (I can’t cut contact and for my dh and dc I need to at least pretend to be civil). I just need some suggestions as to how to cope with this.

For my dh sake, I don’t like to complain about them too much to him or to my friends as I know he’d be hurt by that.

But it’s leaving me with no outlet for my irritation and upset. And that’s building up into rage. And the rage is leading to severe anxiety. I already live with a serious mental health condition (which is well controlled) but having anxiety puts me at risk of a relapse.

They live a few hours away so we tend to see them every 8 weeks or so for 2 to 3 days.

To give some insight with recent examples (there are many more but I won't bore you):

• When dc2 was due they decided to book a holiday away on the due date and announced they’d come stay with us the week prior (I was having c section, so this was going to overlap with baby being born). DH told them no but they still visited the same city and expected DH and dc1 to go see them the day before my CS. In run up to this, despite them having knowingly booked a holiday on the due date, MiL kept making “jokes” about hoping dc would arrive early so she could spend more time with him. Lots and lots of this. And me being anxious about preterm delivery etc. No insight that that was dreadful thing to say.
• MiL has zero social skills. E.g on a recent visit she was asked to lower her voice in a restaurant because she was talking at the top of her voice. Shouting for waiters to come over to get her next course (rest of us not even finished) and even burping loudly. That happens all the time.
• FiL is generally better but when he is in a bad mood, he takes it out on DH with critical and undermining comments (e.g. about his appearance such as losing his hair (which he’s not!), his job not being that hard (DH is a doctor)) etc.
• They stayed with us for a weekend 8 weeks after dc was born. And didn’t lift a finger to help. In fact they both drank too much, treated it like a holiday and then didn’t even help with childcare with dc1 due to being “too tired”. And by childcare I just mean spending some meaningful time playing with him so that he wasn’t bored and we could do some cleaning or other tasks.
• They complain all the time about not seeing us enough but then can’t be bothered putting in any effort with dc. E.g. any childcare (for a couple of hours maximum whilst we tidy up and cook for them) involves putting the tv on.
• Their last visit was 2 weeks ago. Again, no help and we were exhausted after it as we have two young dc and both work long hours. They are off work this week and dared asked to come back! They literally think this is a hotel.
• They also frequently make comments about “when they are old and we are looking after them”. Recently they considered moving to our city so they could “help us”. But given they can’t be bothered helping when they see us so rarely, I know that this is them thinking to the future that they want us to care for them. That makes me angry too, given they have done perhaps 8 hours of childcare for us and nothing else to help in 4 years.

DH does speak to them sometimes about their behaviour. But he’s sensitive and doesn’t like conflict. Neither do I which doesn’t help- I know I should have spoken up more about the “baby coming early” issue for example.

But despite this, DH and dc love them. They can be good fun when they aren’t doing things such as above. And they aren’t abusive. So I can’t cut them out. But I need to be able to survive this somehow. I have so much bottled up rage.

DH understands why I find them challenging (but he doesn't know the extent of my rage). So he’s put some mitigating things in place to help e.g he makes sure to contact them regularly (as if not, then they start calling and texting me), he plans visits when I’m working so that I can minimise time with them.

But my rage is so bad. And my anxiety is getting quite overwhelming. I’m really worried about them moving to live near us and I’ll never be able to have a break from them.

If any of you are in a similar position, what coping strategies do you have?

OP, I found this post on a search for something else and can't believe you didn't get any replies.

Honestly, I think you need to tell your husband how much their behaviour is really affecting you and come up with a plan. Though it sounds like he is coming up with some ideas, more are definitely needed. Can you not mix it up a bit and go and stay with them instead of them coming to you all the time?

Or your DH will have to just have to be honest and tell them that you find their visits hard work and exhausting with all the extra catering with two young kids and long working hours etc and will have to have them to visit less frequently unless they are willing to share the load a bit.

"Mum and dad, you know we love to see you, but it's so much work for us and we are shattered after you leave with everything else we have going on. We can't carry on like this. So either you come less often, which we really don't want, or you have to do your share" And be REALLY clear what their share is.

Hopefully some other posters who are better at this than me will come along and help now!

They are emotionally unhealthy people so are not safe to be around and they are abusive. All these nasty comments they come out with to their son is emotionally abusive behaviour .

Abuse is not just physical in nature and it’s also about wanting power and control. Emotionally healthy people do not behave like this in restaurants and it’s likely your MIL has some form of untreated and untreatable personality disorder. Your FIL and their son, now your husband, have been conditioned accordingly to deal with her.

You would not tolerate any of this from a friend. Get assertiveness training and stand up for yourself here because your husband cannot readily do that for himself, let alone you. He is mired also in fear obligation and guilt when it comes to them.

Your husband’s inertia when it comes to his parents hurts him as much as you. He does not like conflict, it’s been drilled into him that dissent of any sort from he to they will not be tolerated. Am glad your h has come up with some ideas re his parents but more is needed. Would he see a therapist?.

If you’re finding them too difficult or toxic for you to deal with, it’s the same deal for your kids also. They will start on your kids soon enough if they do not already. Keep them well away from his parents going forward. Your h may want to continue to have a relationship with his parents because of fear, obligation and guilt but that does not mean that you and your kids have to follow suit. These people will continue to wreck havoc on your mental health if you have anything to do with them. Even if they do move closer to you, you are still under no obligation to care for them in their dotage. You owe them nothing, let alone a relationship here. Read Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward, your husband could do with reading Toxic Parents by the same author.

I couldn’t read and run because your words really resonated with me. I am NC with my in laws now after they ruined DD’s first birthday party by being rude to me and then my parents. Like you they triggered anxiety in me for a long time as they were overbearing and had no concept of boundaries. There were a few red flags beforehand but it stepped up when I was pregnant, and my anxiety manifested as rage. To be honest it still does.

I think the only thing you can do really is to go NC and put yourself first. You are very busy with work, young children etc and really your time is too precious to be dealing with them if this is how they make you feel. Let DH deal with them and you can have a few hours to yourself when he sees them with the DC.