Hi.
I'm currently really struggling with my mental health. I've always had mild struggles but feel they're currently really ramping up. I had a tfmr earlier this year which followed a number of pregnancy losses, and the death of my dear father in law. I have a 5 year old son who is a real handful - nothing is ever enough for him, he constantly pushes the boundaries and seems to enjoy seeing how far he can push things and seems to enjoy seeing me cross. I try to not get cross but it's very hard. I understand why he's acting up (my losses are his losses too, plus we've just moved house to a brand new area which I know is a huge thing for him) but I struggle massively working out how to manage how he acts up.
I'm 15 weeks pregnant and just feel like I've had enough and like I won't be able to cope with another child - ds is terribly behaved and nothing I do seems to make a difference, being calm doesn't change his behaviour, being cross doesn't either, so #2 will obviously be a handful too and I just don't know how I'll cope with two like that.
My partner is fantastic although has a huge amount of stress at work. My family don't really care about me and never really have.
I have a job I hate and I don't make enough money to do anything nice, I just about get by although it's a struggle.
I just don't know what to do. I desperately don't want to be on medication as I don't think I would survive the 'feeling worse before feeling better' that seems to happen on SSRIs. I have a lovely therapist but she or I have been off for most of the summer so I haven't had that regular contact I usually have. I will get to see her this week though.
I don't know if I can have another child as I'm obviously a terrible mother to have produced a little one with such ire and defiance, I don't know what to do. I thought I really wanted another child but now I just think it's a terrible idea. I just saw another post that used the phrase 'lovely kids - a credit to their mother' and no one would ever say that about my son and me. Argh, I don't know what to do.