I've never felt depression like this before

[imonia2]

I've had anxiety and some mild depression for around 5 years now (possibly longer). Recently though life has felt utterly rubbish.
I have a son and a very loving and caring husband who I'm not the best wife to.
Last night I had the most awful awful dream. At the end of it I had this very overwhelming feeling that I wanted to kill myself.
And I woke up so relieved that it wasn't real but I couldn't shake that feeling. I had to wake my husband up because I felt so scared. I just cried and cried for a couple of hours and finally went back to sleep.
And I still feel this depression. Very very low. I don't know how im going to get out of this horrible rut I've been in for the last few weeks.
I don't know what I'm looking for or asking. I guess I feel that just getting it out anonymously is going to help me

Are you on any medication? Have you had a recent check up with your GP? I’m sorry you feel so bad.

What happened 5 years ago? And what would make life feel less rubbish?

I'm sorry you're going through this. This started for me just around the menopause, an enormous existential crisis which has left any previous mental health grappling properly in the shade.

I'm treating it like any other health crisis, prioritising my health over other stuff, but it's not easy. I often feel like I'm running in place.

Have you had thyroid blood tests? Do you have someone you can talk to?

Not on any medication although have been prescribed things in the past that didn't agree with me.

5 years ago was around the time I was getting ready to qualify as a nurse and my god the anxiety was awful. I lost just over 10kg in weight in less than 2 months. But I ploughed on. Crashed when I first started in my role and I just feel like I keep getting up but 'collapsing'.
I hate my job but I can't leave. Financially. We are barely surviving on what income we have. There's just no way we would manage if I left and got another job that paid less.

What would make life less rubbish? Hmm good question. To be able to think straight. To not think that everyone hates me/us. To think I'm doing ok at life. To have a job that I love. To be able to buy nice food and clothes. To have time and the motivation to do nice things. To have friends. To have my relationship back with my husband as it were a few years ago. The list could go on. I'm just so negative about everything and feel like I have no ability to see positivity.

My psychotherapist (who is lovely but I don't actually feel like we have done anything productive so far) has recommended I go off sick for a little bit. But my anxiety eats at me so much that I just can't bring myself to do it. I would much rather work and cripple myself mentally than have that phone call with my manager whom I have a good relationship with and she is aware of some of my issues (being lack of self confidence and esteem within work). And saying it out loud sounds so ridiculous that I am putting my work and patients first before my own mental health but there are so many scenarios that go round in my head that are stopping me from doing it. 1. I know it's not my issue but who would cover my work and see my patients. My manager and everyone in the team has spent so much time and have been so lovely and supportive in getting me up and running in this role that I feel like I would be a huge burden as opposed to an asset 2. I probably wouldn't go back/want to go back and I feel like I've come so far that I'm scared to give it up

I'm sorry you went through this too. It is utterly awful. I'm a good few years from menopause age so doubt it's that.
I haven't had my bloods checked recently. Maybe over a year ago. I don't really have anyone I can talk to other than my husband and my mum but my mum. They all say the same thing though. Go off sick. Call the GP. Maybe I should listen but I feel like I can't do it because it will make things worse for me

Is there a side ways move that could work for you like giving vaccinations, health visitor or a different type of nursing? Sorry you're struggling