Was happy but have developed an obsession.

[bulby]

I am becoming quite concerned about my mental health and am hoping for some advice.
I have been with my husband for around 25 years and overall we are happy although I do sometimes feel life can be a bit dull.
Years ago I worked with a man and it was clear we were strongly attracted to each other. He once made a move and I stopped it, had I been single I’d have jumped for him. I hadn’t seen him for about 15 years but I often thought about him.
About 8 months ago we unexpectedly came into contact again. It felt like a real missed opportunity and we clearly both were still massively attracted to each other. Absolutely nothing has happened between us but he made it very clear he wanted it to. Circumstances now mean that we will not have any contact unless one of us actively seeks it.
My marriage has always been strong, I don’t want it to change. The guilt and stress I felt about being attracted to someone else made it really difficult to eat and I’ve lost weight (I cannot afford to lose more) I cannot think about anything else but this other man and am fantasising about him. I spend the whole day hoping he’ll make contact whilst knowing that’s the worst thing that could happen.
I feel bereft and so lonely as I have nobody I can talk to about this. I’m having to constantly be doing something so I don’t sit and dwell. I am so lucky in my life and cannot believe that my own head is doing this to me.
I am 48 so part of me wonders if my hormones are a bit to pot. Is anyone able to give me advice as to how I can move forward with a life I was pretty much content with just a year ago? I am so sad, lonely and finding it so difficult to keep pretending I’m absolutely fine even though my life is exactly what it should be. Thank you

There's no need to feel either guilt or stress, you've done nothing wrong and you're not intending to. Maybe turn it around and congratulate yourself for not responding to him?

What would make your life with your husband less dull?

Thank you for your reply. My rational head knows that you are correct. I can’t seem to control the irrational and obsessive feelings though as no this is starting to scare me a bit.

And now not as no

It might be worth chatting to a therapist to get your thoughts out of your head and examining them.

What do you imagine this man would bring to your life that you don't have now?

Maybe think of what people would say if your husband was posting this about himself. That might help you.

Thank you for your replies. I am thinking that a therapist is what I need. I know this is becoming an obsession and I hate myself for it. I’m so lucky in the life I have and absolutely hate myself for feeling like this. I’d be so hurt if I knew my husband was feeling like this which just adds guilt to the obsessive feelings.

There's a saying you might care to remember "When you beat yourself up you just end up beaten." If a friend confided in you that she was in your position would you hate her or would you tell her to hate herself? No, of course you wouldn't. Be your own friend.

You are not unusual in getting your head turned (what a quaint phrase) while in a committed relationship. No one lives in a bubble where they can't be attracted to other people, it happens all the time - maybe it's happened to your husband at some point and he saw it for what it was, a harmless crush.

Interesting that you haven't said what steps you could imagine to make your current life less 'dull' to lessen the attraction of the other guy. (You don't have to, of course, but working out how to make your own garden greener will reduce the allure of the other).

I am 48 so part of me wonders if my hormones are a bit to pot.

I'm a similar age and have definitely felt this kind of thing more intensely since coming off hormonal contraceptive a while back. Feels like a last crazy surge. If it help, I've found the feelings can get very intense but then subside after a while if not indulged (hard I know but definitely stay away and distract yourself as much as possible) and then I've been very glad that I didn't hastily act on them in the heat of the fixation. Step back and see it for what it is rather than building a narrative around it of 'the one that got away' and dwelling on how much you think he's into you, as those things will only make it worse. Better to think that he didn't really give that much of a shit and fancies other people all the time, and is probably much more boring in daily reality than your DH, and that he wouldn't put up with you longer terms, you're not compatible etc etc. All of that helps rather than feeding into the obsession. It will pass and you'll be glad of your steadfast DH, and can do something about the dullness there.

Thank you for your kind words.

I think that on paper, my life and marriage are really good. There are no financial difficulties and we are able to travel and do things. I love my husband to bits but am not sure I ‘fancy’ him and I am interpreting this as finding it dull- a lack of sexual excitement perhaps.

Thank you pinkdelight. Your post resonates with me a lot. I’m scaring myself with my feelings but my rational part knows it will pass. It’s good to hear from someone who has felt in a similar place.

Google limerence and see does it resonate.

I've been exactly where you are for about the past year. My head has been nowhere it should be and constantly on him him him him fucking him.

The odd day where isn't in the forefront of my mind feels like a huge relief.

Falling for him coincided with some major shit going on in my life so I think of him like a lovely distraction. But it's taken over so much of my time, my head scape, my so many moments I've probably missed because I've not been focused on the moment I'm in.

Fuck knows what the answer is. I do think peri menopause has a part to play though.

Wow, thanks for the later replies. It’s awful isn’t it badbaddecisions! I’ve just googled limerence and so much of what I’ve seen rings true, especially the intrusive thoughts and physical effects.
I am worried about the way my mind is thinking but it’s helpful to know that others have felt similarly. I do think that I need to speak to someone about this and it’s been really helpful just writing this down.

I have one friend I've been able to talk to about it, but it doesn't help much.

The only bonus is I've ended up thinner and hotter 😆

I agree that a therapist would be really helpful. Often, a person coming in from the past can spark this kind of intensity, and it is usually an unconscious yearning to fulfil missed opportunities; to live life more fully than one is currently living it. In other words, this man is imbued with your longing for something different, but he is almost certainly not "it". (And hormones will be an aggravator, but not the instigator, iyswim.)

I was going to say this sounds like limerence, OP. It will pass, at least at this level of intensity. I've experienced this a long time ago and it was like a mental tornado, drug addiction, magical sickness or some such stuff. Very destabilising and strange whilst it lasts and utterly exhausting.

I feel like I have been like this all my life. Whatever relationship I am in i never feel fully present always thinking about someone else until I lose the person then j become obsessed with them. I absolutely hate living like this am single now will probably stay that way.

I have been very tearful today reading the kind responses and reading about how other people have had similar experiences. So much of what you’ve all said has rung true.
I’ve been able to admit to myself that actually my thoughts have become intrusive and have also realised that I’ve developed some compulsive behaviours that I hadn’t acknowledged. I’ve always been a person who has been able to rationalise my mind in the past so it’s been a bit of a shock to admit even to myself that I need a bit of external support.
Thank you