Adult ADHD medication concerns

[Adhdandme1]

After 7 months of titration on Elvanse and Dexanfetamine with a private psychiatrist, I have been accepted for shared care by my GP on the NHS thank god because it was all costing me an absolute fortune.

This strange thing has happened lately where I suddenly feel that I have an overview of the systems that need to be but aren’t in place at work, and everywhere I look, I see lazy colleagues coasting along who are happy for me to pick up the majority of the jobs, despite the fact that I’m paid the same as them.

Not long after taking Elvanse I was offered a promotion to be team leader but I wasn’t happy with the pay increment so I declined the role.

Because the Elvanse has reduced my social anxiety, I am more forthright with my manager about what needs to be put in place (we work in a sector where we are regularly inspected) in order to be doing things properly, and when the Elvanse wears off later on , I’m aware that she could be perceiving my personality change a bit challenging and I worry about this. Prior to taking Elvanse I was a worry wart and a major people pleaser which managers always liked!

I’m vocal to my workplace about how sad it makes me feel that they’re not giving me autonomy to make decisions which I believe should be mine to make because they’re based upon data and observations I’ve made since working there.

Im struggling with not sleeping deeply enough so my mood is sometimes very bad with my family. I cried all morning because DH questioned the way I came down on DD (7)about her sore losing issues.

Im really depressed at times especially on my break days and at times I feel my ADHD is creeping back. I also question all of my choices. My job, husband, location, relationships with my family. I fantasise about living alone in a foreign country where I can follow my heart and not be relied upon by everyone.

I can’t tell if it’s just my age making me have these difficult feelings, sleep deprivation or addicting myself to a controlled drug.

I sometimes get a dizzy feeling in my calves and the odd chest twinge but I’m not sure if it’s just health anxiety.

Anyone else have difficulties like this?

It took me so much time and money to get to this stage I don’t want to risk coming back off the medication. I don’t even know what’s me and what’s the medication.

I'm sure the medication is making a difference to you and your abilities at work but it sounds to me as if you could do with some down time, a hobby, do you ever get to the gym or to do something you want to do - a break from all you have on your plate?
What dose are you on?

I don’t really, because when I’m not working I’m looking after my daughter with very little support.
I know I need to. The summer holidays are always particularly over stimulating and hard for me 😞.

It sounds as though the issue is aside from the ADHD and more to do with your job - could you look for a new job possibly?

It’s on my list. I just need to get my ducks in a row because my job has huge risks of out of the frying pan and into the fire.

The job doesn’t suit my adhd because it’s about collaboration but with weak leadership, meaning that the team members are not held accountable for their individual contributions so it all falls on muggins because it makes me too anxious not to get projects done.

Could you maybe try changing your dose, spk to your doctor in case it would help with sleep etc

Thank you,
I woke earlier today to take Elvanse and will take Dexanfetamine earlier as well in the hope that my sleep is deep.
My daughter asked me why I don’t go to the gym any more this morning and I thought that was quite a good idea.
I self-abandon during the summer holidays because my main focus is my daughter but I think I need to try and synthesise caring for her with caring for myself. An art I’ve never been able to master.

My DH was diagnosed earlier in the year and is doing well on medication. But it's now becoming more apparent he also needs to pay attention to the strategies he needs to succeed.

Like lots of adults he had already got a whole bookshelf of self-help books before his diagnosis, but hadn't read any of them past page 5. He hadn't even read his ADHD report in full, even though there is lots of advice in there.

Like any long term condition, ADHD is managed best when it is managed by the expert in the condition - the individual themselves. You now need to learn how to do that for you.

It usually needs a holistic approach. Diet, sleep, exercise, planning your day to use your executive function when you get the most benefit from your medication, having work time and down time. Read and try out tools and techniques and look at online support groups for good, practical advice.

Career wise, it sounds like you are having a rethink, but I would suggest taking time to work out how to optimise you before you make any major decisions.

Thank you, @Dinopawus,that’s amazing advice.
you’re right it’s taken me this long to sort the medication side of things out now I need to be more methodical about the other aspects of managing my life.

I like the idea of planning my tasks that require more executive function into the time slot where my meds are in full swing.

I tend to live reactively which is probably because I am trying to avoid the familiar shame of not getting things done so I just respond throughout each day to piles of laundry/ phone calls etc short term things expected of me without doing daily things that will help my life over all.

Because having my DD at home all summer can be quite repetitive and boring, I tend to book days out and do quite expensive things with her for my own sake partly because I need novelty/dopamine so much.

I feel guilty that I can’t just lean in to a simple day in our PJs playing in the garden or staying at home easily. She always tells me off for being on my phone so much and that makes me feel bad too.

I’m at home all summer holiday because I’m a teacher and I’m good at loading/ unloading the dishwasher/ mowing the lawn/ doing laundry etc but I get to the end of the holidays and feel that I’ve accomplished nothing of any merit with the huge amount of time I’ve had off.

I always plan to get fit, do loads of lesson plans, organise my classroom, read my books, give up sugar, organise a friend gathering, write (I love to write) but my time gets swallowed up by reacting to whatever is in front of me without an overview of what I ultimately want to gain from 8 weeks off.

My eating habits get disordered and I always end up feeling like a lonely blob, ashamed of how I have squandered 8 weeks on nothing of note. No one has any sympathy of course, because most people would kill for all that paid time off.

I always notice my mental health improving dramatically when I have been back at work for a couple of weeks, where there is enforced structure and my spare time is limited, so the pressure created by that fact, means I’m more efficient and I enjoy my free time more. I get more alone time at work too, because the drive there and back alone helps me to connect with myself through music and podcast listening. I love the part of the day where my TA and the children leave my classroom and it’s quiet and I can just breathe in peace.

I booked my family a holiday this year and it landed on me to do all of the ferry/ accommodation/ packing/ filling the car with fuel/ oil/ water/ air/ activity planning and I found myself tidying/ cleaning the holiday bungalow/ food shopping organising with my dad who lives nearby when and where to meet each day.

This all felt quite tiring and my DH was slightly unenthusiastic and low energy the whole time, as though he didn’t see the point in it.

It was a step on this year, because for the first time in 9 years I’d got him to agree to save up for it all year with me and see that making memories is important for our DD.

DH lacks executive functioning skills, despite having an Oxbridge degree. He is always passive, making me be the one to think of what guests might like to eat or preparing the house if people visit, communicating plans with family or booking meals days out. If we go to a pub or a restaurant, he will make sure he is stood behind me so he doesn’t have to ask for a table or anything. It’s frustrating.

The summer holidays scare me because I feel like my painful internal landscape (when work demands are stripped away) is waiting for me and where I’m excited to rest and reconnect with true myself (I’m masking a lot at work) what I really discover is a deep sadness and despair. The demands of the domestic world are just as difficult for me as work, so I never feel fully recharged or happy.

Work colleagues text me wanting to meet up but I don’t want to be reminded of work so I bat them off. I also find workplaces quite back stabby and just want to isolate from people because I’ve noticed in groups people can be quite unkind.

Writing this, I think I need to seek out an ADHD coach. Now my prescriptions are free, I can consider this expensive option.

Thank you for reading. I just want to get it right next time.