My DH of 20+ years was diagnosed with Bipolar 5 years ago. This was after episodes of depression and mania spanning over the last 14+ years. We have two DC aged 11 and 15. Looking at his family history, his deceased mother was almost certainly bipolar too. He is a lovely man generally, but when he is manic I find it incredibly hard to deal with. He becomes unpredictable, restless, makes poor decisions, spends too much, works too much. I’ve learnt how to manage this over the years and we communicate well, he does listen to me when I point out that I think he is heading for a manic episode and he tries to manage it. He takes his medication and engages with his doctors. I’ve been the main carer for our children since they were born (I also work full time). His first episode of depression happened when DC (15) was a newborn, so from early on I feel I’ve had to protect them from his mental health problems. He was fine for a few years after the initial period of depression, we were fine, youngest was born, but then soon after that the cycle of depression and mania kicked in and we realised it wasn’t just a one off.
Both DC are lovely, happy children. They were not particularly close to the father when they were little, but as they’ve gotten older, their relationship with him has improved. This is a positive thing for all of them but is also my reason for posting. My eldest (15) is very calm, relaxed and measured. My youngest (11) has always been high energy and busy, but also very happy sitting quietly to do crafts, cooking, reading, etc. Lately, I can see that my youngest gets fuelled by DH’s moods, specifically the hyperactive times. DH is often restless in the evenings, and will suddenly jump up and announce that he’s bored and is going for a drive to see X relative. He’s been like that for years, can’t say I understand or think it’s healthy to keep doing things like that, but the behaviour is not harmful, and his family members don’t seem to mind him just showing up whenever he is in “one of them moods”, so I let him get on with it. Now he keeps asking DC (11) if they want to come with him on these jaunts and DC seems to want to go along all the time. In the past DC would say no and want to stay at home.
DH constantly says he’s tired, that he works too much, but then is unable to relax when he has the opportunity and then goes the opposite way and exhausts himself further by running around all over the place. Now I fear my DC is caught up in doing the same. Anytime 11 year old gets over-excited or seems unsure what to do with themselves, DH jumps up and suggests a drive to visit a random family member. It’s like he has this compulsion - he often doesn’t even stay too long when he goes on these visits, it’s just the act of getting up and out when he gets restless. We have spoken about it before and tried to think of other outlets when he gets like this (going for a walk, cycle). I am getting really upset as I feel like all of my hard work to try and keep my DC balanced is being undone. It’s good for DC to be “bored” occasionally, they actually have a really busy social life with their friends, but life cannot be one big “exciting adventure”, constantly on the go, there needs to be some downtime.
I’ve put so much effort into making sure my DC have a stable upbringing whilst being very aware that I cannot shield them from their dad’s issues completely. I am just exhausted with it all. When DH was diagnosed, his psychiatrist asked to speak to me separately to get my opinion on what life was like day to day for DH/our family. After speaking to them, they said they could see how much love and willingness to get through this there was between us, but that also, by all accounts, I am his unofficial carer and that it can take its toll.
I’m mid 40’s, work in a very stressful job, and pretty sure I’m perimenopausal. I am just so tired of trying to keep everything under control. Part of me thinks I need to give up and just let the cards fall where they may, but I know deep down it would be wrong for my DC. Not sure what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this, I have been searching online for bipolar spouse support groups to see if anyone feels/experiences the same. Has anyone else had experience of this?
I suppose deep down my biggest fear is that DC (11) may have inherited the condition too. Or they could just be a normal excitable child who likes going on random “adventures” and I am just hyper aware of any behaviour I see as being linked to DH and his condition. Either way, I am having a wobble at the moment and unsure how to manage this anymore (if I should be “managing” it at all).
Sorry this is so long..