I have been experiencing problems with anxiety and depression on/off for a few years. In the last few months, I've started to dread work every single day.
I've had bad jobs/managers in the past and even then not felt as bad as this. I think it was perhaps triggered because my manager made a comment that others had been saying things about me /that I wasn't adding value to an area of my role. Over the past few months I've developed what can only be described as a phobia of work or extreme work place anxiety. I WFH most of the time, but I bearly sleep on work days, feel physically sick, physically shake, sometimes vomit.
I know this has impacted my performance, not because I don't try, but things take me longer as I'm so overwhelmed by worry. A task that would have taken 10 mins, takes 35.
I've been there just over two years, so have some protections but I'm convinced I'm going to get fired and lose everything. I do want to move on from this job now, but obviously need a bit of time to apply. My confidence is now so low I also just thinking I'm unemployable.
My job does lack structure & I was off sick around 6 weeks ago with work-related anxiety. My manager has said he'll manage me more robustly, but this hasn't translated to being more supportive - just tracking everything I do in written format, highlighting things I haven't managed to do. My mid-year PDR didn't go well - in fact, it was squashed into the last 15 mins of a normal 1:1, he didn't highlight anything positive I'd achieved. I'd come with a list of achievements, but he didn't seem to be aware of anything I'd actually achieved. I felt like I was stumbling over my words and it felt more like an interrogation.
There is one area in particular where I've struggled & he said he'd like me to have sorted this by the next 1:1. The last one was Weds and I'll have under two weeks until the next. I'm also off two days this week but contemplating working through one of those. I can probably make progress in the area, but not have it completely sorted by the next one. It relies on other people agreeing (essentially, similar to pitching something, though I don't have a sales job.)
I feel like I need to say to him this style of management is making me more anxious and ill. I think if he could leave me to it, I could get on with things better. But I'm not sure I can put this to him as I get the impression everything is now seen as an excuse by him.
Yesterday was absolutely awful, I was in tears, self-harming, having suicidal thoughts. I don't know how to handle this. I can't get signed off sick as I'll only get half pay, am not entitled to any benefits, and won't be able to pay any of my bills.
I don't think what he's asking of me is unreasonable - and totally understand why he thinks I'm not doing enough. But I think his attitude about it isn't helping me and I'm just getting increasingly ill and less productive as a result. I've thought about speaking to OH but feel it might annoy him more if I don't address it with him first.
Our relationship hasn't always been like this - it used to be really good. But I think he's just made his mind up on me now & I'm not sure if I'm being managed out.
Is there anything I can do in this situation? It's got so bad I've considered resigning and trying to temp for a while, but I have a lot of outgoings, so not sure it's the best route.
Drugs-wise I'm currently on a beta blockers and a short course of diazapam. Self-referred for CBT, but there's a six month waiting list.