My mental health is in tatters, awful weekend

[enchiladas8]

I’ve been struggling with a few things over the last few weeks and am under a lot of stress. I’ve been snappy and felt really up and down, been crying a lot. I’m under nhs therapy and I am on Sertraline but unsure if it’s even working.

On Saturday me and my boyfriend went for drinks with a big group of friends. We both had a fair amount to drink. I accidentally knocked over a glass in one of the bars, he judgily said “oh [my name]” so, a few cocktails down, I got upset as I thought he’d just laugh like everyone else. He apologised but I couldn’t let it go. He tried to nip it in the bud throughout the night but drunk me wanted to avoid any confrontation.

Before I know it were shouting and screaming at each other outside, where his friends have heard us, and I’m banging my head onto the wall (no one else saw), saying I’m not worth anything, and having a panic attack. I have bashed my head on the wall in the past and it is a problem for me.

My poor boyfriend carried me home and admitted that he thought of ending things with me at that moment, but decided he wanted to help me through it.

We’ve had a long chat and he said, as far as he’s concerned, it’s all over and forgiven and it doesn’t change anything.

Now I’m just completely lost and stuck. I can’t stop thinking about it, I’m so embarrassed. My first step is of course to stop drinking alcohol. I just can’t stop thinking about how he wanted to end things with me, I can’t stop thinking about how awfully I acted, and how bad I got. I just don’t know how to get past it and now I’m paranoid that he’ll realise how awful I am even though he’s saying I’m not.

Where do I go next ☹️ I’m on a therapy waiting list, I can’t afford private and I’m already on meds

So sorry to hear you're struggling, being on meds and waiting for therapy is good that you've reached out!

Alcohol is a downer - especially on medication.

I personally myself find that drinking doesn't always agree with me especially when I'm having a rough day.

I think your partner saying that would impact you too, I don't think he should of said that in that moment. I'd say it's quite unreasonable him doing that mid meltdown BUT I have also been exactly where you are, for me it's more the frustration is that they don't understand? Because they never want to really.
He's said all is forgotten so please don't waste so much time worrying about it.
Try planing a date night? Chill, enjoy the moments.

I hope you can have a better day today OP.

If you cut out alcohol that will really reduce the risk of these kind of big scale altercations.

Can the GP offer you online therapy, I think it’s called silvercloud, while you wait for something face to face?

You are obviously dealing with some very difficult feelings right now. And you are right to want to move away from this kind of behaviour. But don’t beat yourself up too much. These things happen. Hopefully therapy will give you an opportunity to work things out. Good luck and I hope you start to feel better soon.

As someone who’s had depression and anxiety on and off all their life I will say to you the golden rule is to avoid alcohol at all costs.
Its literally the worse thing you can do and if you drink while unwell you roll the dice for ending up spiralling into destructive behaviour or suicidal feelings.
it’s okay, you’re in good company and most of us have done similar.
moving forward, restrict nights out to things where booze doesn’t feature, movies, the theatre, active stuff and so on.
you will get better, this is temporary. Help yourself by being as active as you can and trying to get into a new hobby of some sort, I appreciate this feels a bit condescending and cliche but there’s a tonne of anecdotal and scientific evidence that it really does help when combined with meds and therapy.
Dwell on it no longer, deep breath, move forward. Book something new and interesting to do with your partner to make a fresh, positive memory this week.

yep, jumping in here to say alcohol is the WORST for anxiety and depression, it's taken me 20 years to finally realise this and am enjoying not having alcohol in my life anymore.

Sending some sympathy your way - you’ve had a rubbish time. I agree with others about the alcohol, and that things might be easier if you avoided it.