Unable for future with down syndrome child

[Trauma21]

Baby was born unexpectidly with down syndrome. And its caused severe trauma to mee since.

I never wanted to take on this journey but felt pressure from her dad and family and friends who knew i had her.

Her dad left me and takes her at the weekends, full time care has been left to me. I have been suicidal since her birth. I am unable for the journey ahead, my placenta failed aswell so lack of oxygen has probably made down syndrome severe.

Every time i think of my future all i want is a rope, and noone is helping me, all doctors and mental health teams say its normal.

Now ive bonded with this baby and i love her but she wont always stay that way and the thought of her future and mine definitely has me suicidal.

My family said im digusting and will be disowned if i give her over to her dad.

He says he will take on full time care but then refuses to leave work and wants to leave her with his elderly parents. Making me more guilty.

Judge if you want but not everyone is able for this journey. I am going to sue my doctors, i feel like they should all be in prison. They took my life from me . I should have had a choice. My life feels like damned if i do damned if i dont. Death seems easier both ways.

This shouldnt have happened me. Plus i dont want this life for my daughter. As i said they let my placenta fail due to negligence and the lack of oxygen in my eyes means her future will be bad. I feel very guilty for bringing life like this in the world. Feel like i ruined so many lives. But i deserved better care, its 2023 not 1923. This shouldnt have happened

Hi op
Just wanted to post in reply and tell you I feel the same, except my son is severely autistic (still waiting official diagnosis). My pregnancy and birth with him were horrific, we were both failed and he was deprived of oxygen.. I believe this is his reason for learning disabilities. They left me for 4 days begging for a c section to save my baby. My nhs notes were forged and birth debrief was full of lies. I'd love to sue but don't have the emotional strength. Also no family support. They know im suicidal. I know how you feel when you say this life will kill you. Please feel free to private pm me. You are not alone. My childhood was also full of trauma and I think I must have been an awful human being in a previous life to deserve all I've had in this. That being said, your child has a diagnosis, contact your social services for children with disabilities team. Look up short breaks for when child is older. Apply for every benefit going. It's better your child is in car with a mother who visits than a dead one. You are human and deserve a life too. Xx

Do you have help at home? Is there a home start organisation in your area so you can get some sleep ? Can you get those calm earplugs if you’re finding noise / crying difficult ( just to turn down the noise) can you go to your GP and maybe take medication for your anxiety? Please God your as your baby grows she will surprise you with how much she can do. Take care and seek help..

Hi OP. I also had a post birth diagnosis of Downs with my son. It was like a bullet to my head - I felt huge self pity, anger and fear. I completely understand where you're coming from. I couldn't see the wood for the trees and thinking about the future was just so overwhelming.

But, he's nearly 4 now. I still worry daily about him (as I do with my other non DS child!) but the path DOES get easier. I know that doesn't sound massively reassuring right now, but if you can find the right medical and therapy support grounds then that's a fantastic starting point. Don't beat yourself up. It's hard and it's stressful but it's far from impossible. My boy will always be 'different' but he is still just a little boy. He's happy, running about, mischievous and all those things little toddlers are.

Please find some support and keep strong. You are in the early days of all of this, I promise it will get easier with time xx

I told my family my dad said shes not a toy i can give away.

My mam called me a low life scumbag tramp the lowest of the low an evil cunt and i dont know how many other names, it was like someone in a competition to see how many names they could call someone in one minute.

These two people gave me a very traumatic life anyway so f them i suppose. I know theyd rather this take my life then have the shame of the public knowing shes with her dad and im not rearing her.

No matter what they say it doesnt change the fact that i wish every day for a heart attack or cancer or anything at all that kills me instead of this.

My daughter deserves so much more than me. So so much more. But i cant help how i feel, this is my worst nightmare. I am living my own personalized hell, something i always feared even as a child. And i cant shake it.

What about 50/50 with the dad?

It might relieve the pressure on you and stop you feeling overwhelmed.

I would ask dad to care 50/50 to give you more of a break. Maybe if you were back at work and had something away from being a mum you would start to feel better.

I have experience of Stewarts law re medical negligence causing birth injuries. It is a slow process and if you were successful you would be unlikely to see any money in the next decade. The money would be held in trust and used to pay for your daughters care.

Your family are awful op.
Try speak to hv gp is one of them on your side do they listen?
ss children with disabilities
Call local down syndrome support
You need someone on your side
What you decide now is for now and clearly you need support

Your family sound terrible and unsupportive, please don't seek advice from them.
You clearly need a break to help your mental health, as posters say you need to speak to her father and come to an agreement around custody even if you have her weekends would this make things easier? You sound like you're in a dark place and shouldn't be making any long term decisions regarding your daughter but you definitely need a break and some space to recover. Speak to your GP about counselling/medication also as you are having TLNWL. I really hope you get some more support

The hypocrisy of your parents is hateful. They have given you no care, no parental nurture - yet they are expecting you to do all the things they would and could not do, in a situation far more difficult and painful than they have or will ever experience.

Let her dad take her for majority care for a while, even if the gps care for her, and get yourself as much support as you can. Talk to your GP and your HV. You can reassess the situation when you feel less crushed.

Ignore your cruel and stupid parents, they are not worth your time or your tears.

Hi op,

I'm so sorry you're in this position and still having to process so much.

A few thoughts I had is that when I had ds at 17 weeks I was still feeling all over the place, hormones were still all over the place and it feels very overwhelming even with a straight forward birth and no additional needs to consider. So it's completely understandable that you're feeling this way and that you're angry and scared and unsure how to manage. It's been a huge shock for you and it does mean a huge change to the plans you had and how you envisaged those early months of parenthood to be. There's probably a part of you that's grieving the dreams you had for your baby and the aspirations you had for your futures and that takes time to process and heal from and it will be different for everyone how long that takes or what that looks like. There's no one right way to respond to this and I wish you had better support around you who understood that.

I agree it's important to seek out specialist support through your gp and health visitor and discuss your feelings with them. I think it's very positive that you've been so proactive in seeking out counselling and I would keep going with that. Your counsellor is right in that your feelings about this are valid and normal. I'm wondering if there are any peer support groups in your area where you could meet other parents with children who have down syndrome who could give you support given that they've likely had to go through these feelings and try to come to terms with the diagnosis and decide what to do about the future. Might be worth looking into when you feel ready to do so.

I think for now it would be good if your health visitor could support you to access family conferencing and a social worker. They would sit down with your family and her dad's and try to agree who will support with what, who will babysit and how often, who can help you with other tasks around the house etc, who could you go stay with in crisis if you felt completely unable to manage at home alone or who could call round at short notice. That might help you feel a bit less alone and a social worker might be able to back you up and reinforce to your family that this is huge and they shouldn't be judging you.

Ultimately its entirely your decision whether or not you want to keep dd with you or have her live with her dad but I think it's still early days in terms of your own recovery from birth and you're still early post partum so I would try to hold off on making big decisions around that until you've had a bit more time to process and explore support in your area with a clearer head. How workable is her dad? Would he be difficult to co parent with if you did make that arrangement?

On a separate note, you're entitled to sit with your midwife and go through your file for a birth debrief. I'd do that and ask for a copy to see if you have legal standing to make a complaint about your care.

Your parents are actually evil. Every name your 'mother' called you applies to her. I wouldn't often say this but I think you should go NC with your parents. They're no support to you whatsoever; quite the reverse in fact.

I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time, and I hope you can avail of professional support.

No shame whatsoever in 50-50 if your daughter's father is willing.

I'm so sorry about how they spoke to you. No wonder you have low self confidence when they people who are meant to love and care for you the most treat you with so much contempt.

I am also a single mum to a baby but with no known special needs and I had my parents looking after me when he was little. And even with that love and support I found it so hard. It is so hard!! You're all on your own looking after a little one. Of course you feel awful.

Please remember - you do not need your parents permission about any decision about your baby. Please stop asking them and discuss with your health visitor or babys gp instead. Please go to a local children's centre if you have one- there is so much help and support available from staff there. If you get on ok with them, use your Ex partners parents for support and help (and him too evenings if possible and weekends) - the more time they spend with baby the less you will worry when you give baby to them to be cared for. If possible let them come to your home to help so that you're not away from baby (unless you want or need to be) but you're being supported. Could the baby's dad sleep on the couch to help you at night?

Have you told your friends that you're struggling? Please do.

I would stop giving your parents any info or even take a break from contacting them now. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that no one does.

You are the best mum for your little baby and you are her whole world. She needs you to be looked after.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster than they can afford to spare.

Nothing really to add op as it been said more succinctly by others except that you need to believe in yourself and your decisions - there is nothing wrong with a dad raising a baby either. Your parents are quite wrong in their attitude (not to mention behaviour!) Hugs op and get some help for you. Take care

Mumsnetting when I should be working. My colleague a few desks away has cerebral palsy. I didn't know until I'd been working with them for a few months, in person in the office. I now realise that their slight limp is a symptom. The only visible symptom.

About once a week I meet up with someone who has downs syndrome. I'm sure it is not easy for his parents, but honestly, he has a very full, happy life, lots of friends and hobbies.

No guarantees but the future might not be as dark as you think.

Should have added, you deserve much more support and understanding from your parents than you are getting. Please don't listen to them.