Grief: DH is alcoholic and suicidal

[cornishone]

Just that really.

Our son died several years ago.

DH is not coping well. He functions on the surface but is drinking heavily every weekend. He is clearly depressed, says that he doesn't care about anything, wants to end his life.

He refuses any help. Won't try to give up alcohol (which I haven't insisted on), won't go and see his GP, won't have therapy, won't talk to any of his friends, won't accept support of any kind.

As well as my own grief which is crippling, I'm also dealing with the anxiety and stress of living with him. It's making me ill too and once again I've had no sleep.

I don't feel like I can leave him. I have no money, can't afford to move out and I can't do that to our surviving son. He has been through so much I don't feel like I can do it to him. Also I don't have the mental strength either.

But the fact that DH is in such a place that he doesn't care is making me incredibly angry.

Help.

Try as hard as you can to persuade him to lower his drinking.
It should matter to you and you should be able to ask him to consider your feelings even though there is no one else he is affecting.
Invite his friends over. Have one of them call over every Saturday to do something that doesn't involve drinking - cards, fishing, washing the car, making tomato sauce, watching the rugby.
Aim for your husband to see a grief therapist - can one visit?

If he drinks less he might be much more capable of dealing with everything else. Can you both invlove yourselves in some charity work that helps people like your son?

Can you change just one or two of your daily routines for the better? ie:
Walk together to do the food shop.
Exercise a neighbour's dog.
Get up an hour earlier.
Give your husband responsibility for more household tasks.

It sounds really hard.

Over time, if there is no change, give yourself more social avenues. Focus on your own well being. Keep seeing your friends.
Go to a church that helps local charities and make friends doing something useful and uplifting.

You ask him to leave. It’s not fair on you.
My DH had MH problems but he refused to believe that the problem wasn’t physical. With hindsight I should have asked him to leave instead of putting me and the kids through it.
And I’m sorry for your loss, losing a child must be the worst thing to go through.

You need to speak to your doctor about this, there are methods of supporting adults who refuse to acknowledge their mental health issues. Your Dr can contact his doctor, or indeed you can speak to his doctor. You possibly need to engage in an intervention of sorts.

Alcoholism is a mental health issue, he us not thinking straight, he is in addiction and needs supports. Speak to medical professionals, they will help xx.

It's not my experience, to have lost a child, but a pal of mine found compassionate friends to be really good. They are a national org set up by bereaved parents for bereaved parents. Lots of love to you both. xx

www.tcf.org.uk/

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I’d second seeing your GP as a starting point to access support. I’d also recommend Al-Anon for support for you with his alcoholism.

Thank you

@CreationNat1on @MatthewBroderick

I did speak to his GP (also my GP) but he was unhelpful. He basically said he couldn't get involved and sort of told me off for ringing him to talk about him. Maybe I should try a different GP in the practice.

I do lots of charity stuff but DH won't get involved. We walk together, he sees his friends and family regularly, but nothing seems to make a different.

Thank you.

I'm signed up to their newsletter and membership, but DH refuses to engage with any of it.

Ah OP, I'm so sorry for your loss and all the pain you're going through. I would guess counsellors would call this 'complex grief' - it's where the grief has become so debilitating that it's leading to destructive behaviours etc. It's completely understandable and must be overwhelming for both of you.

If your DH won't access help, perhaps the best thing you can do is get help for yourself? As others have said, maybe join a grief group, go to counselling or if your son passed of an illness, there might be support groups for parents in a similar situation.

Although I've not lost a child, when I went through a traumatic bereavement, I found that getting involved in a charity linked to the condition helped me hugely. It gave me a 'purpose' in a situation which didn't make any sense at all. Everyone processes things very differently but I think that if your DH cannot access help for himself, you could instead do some things for you and your other son.

Hi, your name change has failed, if you report your posts they will change them for you.

Thank you. All changed now.

This morning is no different. I think he's still drunk to be honest.

Very hostile and saying he has nothing to live for because we don't have any money.

For info, we are not loaded and do have debts, but our mortgage is low and we don't have massive outgoings so we are by no means on the poverty line. We just don't have as much as he would like. And there's a cost of living crisis.

And it just avoids his grief to blame the money for his unhappiness.