What if life just never gets better

[pinguuuu]

Im just posting here to vent really. I’m miserable. I just don’t know how to keep going. I’ve felt like this for so long I just think it’s never going to get better. I can try all the medication in the world but it doesn’t change the fact my life’s a mess.

I was physically and emotionally abused as a child by my mother. She made my childhood and early adulthood a living hell until I cut contact with her a 21 but by that point the damage was done

I went to university and did a degree but I was left with such crippling anxiety and confidence issues that I’ve done nothing with it. I instead got a minimum wage admin job which I’m still in now with no chance of progression because of my lack of confidence.

I ended up in an abusive relationship when I was 26 which I only just managed to get out of at the end of 2022. He ran up as significant amount of debt in my name so now my credit score is shot and I’m trying to juggle payment plans to pay everything back because I technically did give him permission to use my details even though I was coerced and forced into it and didn’t know just how much he was applying for. So now I’ve got no chance of ever getting a mortgage and to be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever pay all of this debt off. Between the payment plans and the fact my job isn’t well paid I’m barely making ends meet. After bills this month I was left with £13 for food for the month

When I left the relationship I was given a council house which I know I should be grateful for but it’s in a terrible area and the neighbours are horrendous. No chance of moving anywhere else due to credit issues and no one would swap to live here in a million years. My car had its tyres slashed last week which is the 4th time it’s happened since I moved in.

In the last 3 years I’ve lost all 4 of my grandparents (the last one passed away last week), my sister, my aunt and my best friend. Now it’s just me and my dad but he’s not well at the moment and is undergoing various tests. If he dies I’ll have no one. I’ll never have a family or children of my own because every time I’ve attempted to meet someone it’s been a complete disaster to the point I just can’t face it anymore.

It just feels like every time I try and improve things for myself life just shoots me down. People tell me life is full of ups and downs but there’s no ups. It’s all downs. I can’t remember the last time I was happy. My dad tells me things will get better. But when. I’ve been waiting for things to get better since I was a child and I’m now 31 and still waiting

Have you ever had any counselling. I know you say that medication can't change your situation but have you ever been prescribed any ?
A combination of the two might help to ease things for you so that you feel able to take some steps forward

The relationship with your mum and the abuse you suffered is important here - it is about the only thing psychology knows for sure - bad early life can impact every aspect of your wellbeing - the way you have relationships, the way you feel about yourself, how worthy you feel in the world.

That relationship has set you off on a track for your life - it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

But you do need to take a deeper look at how it has impacted you

This is just a handhold and a hug. Life can feel bleak. And you are grieving for close family and your best friend, including your grandparent last week. I am so sorry.

Well done for leaving an abusive relationship.

it is too much to expect yourself to cope with damage and trauma without help.

I hesitate to say things like GP for referral for counselling, depression, bereavement, because you’ve probably been on to all this.

Money: in case it is helpful, here are some free sources of advice recommended by the BBC radio programme Money Box:

survivingeconomicabuse.org

nationaldebtline.org.uk

stepchange.org

moneyhelper.org.uk/en/money-troubles/way-forward/bill-prioritiser

entitledto.co.uk

And Samaritans: 116 123. They say “Whatever you're going through, a Samaritan will face it with you. We're here 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.”

@NomNomNominativeDeterminism only you can make the changes needed to turn things around.

Part of that is finding the right medication and not just staying on whatever the GP gives you. Engage with a therapist and read therapy books to help break the cycles you get caught in. Do the Freedom Programme so you can find a real relationship.

Contact the council and ask to rent a garage and put your car away when not in use. Or start flooding the mutual exchange sites on facebook with swaps. There will be someone who wants to be near 'family' in the rough area.

Tackle things one at a time and find something to be passionate about.

Look for a new job. If you get an interview, great, If you don't, at least you are trying.

Work on yourself because you can't get the most out of your life while you are hiding in your wee bubble with no confidence and no clue how to change anything. You can do it. You've already survived abuse. The strength is there, you just need to rely on that one thing you know you can do - survive and push forward.

You ask What if life never gets better....but what if it does? What does that look like to you?

I have been through similar things to you. Had some really really low times. Tried medication. It helped but didn't deal with root cause.

I got a really good therapist....not good in the sense of expensive but good in the sense that she was the right fit for me and for my issues. It was a long process and I will never fully be "fixed". I still process and work through the things I have been through. But it did work. It pulled me up to where I was able to believe in myself enough to hope for and work towards better.

My life is great now. I'm not rich and I don't have a mortgage yet but I am content. I have a good relationship and I have been able to build a good career. Life is still hard and I still have hard days but I am able to cope with whatever comes at me.

I don't say any of that to brag, but simply to show another side to your thinking. If 8 years ago you had told me my life would look like this now I wouldn't have believed you at all. And I am nothing special or better than anyone. If I can do it anyone can.

So instead of asking what if it never gets better, think about what it will look like when it does, and allow yourself to believe that is possible.

Maybe something on this thread resonates with you
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/4838451-what-changes-improved-your-lifestyle-mental-health

Sadly, much as we would love to we cannot change the past. So all you can do is work towards a better future in increments. It seems so cruel that those of us who get the abusive parents then also often have toxic adult relationships beacuse of learned patterns. You are still young. You can work on having better boundaries in relationships but also work on being happier with yourself. You have escaped an abusive relationship, got a degree despite coming form an abusive background and you have a job and a roof over your head and have been coping with great loss these past few years that would fell most people. All that took great strength and courage to achieve.

Take any free (self referral) CBT that the NHS in your area is offering.
Consider a low dose anti anxiety med just to help you a bit
Try to do something outside work that lifts your spirits e.g. hiking or whatever lifts you and gets you away from your rough estate for a while
Just keep listing the flat for an exchange
If you have the energy could you get a side hustle or weekend job to boost your finances? A cafe or pub shift?
If you liked Uni perhaps there is another course you could take to help you change, maybe a degree or postgrad where you can get a second loan (some NHS fields, PGCE).

I have had extensive therapy, I was sexually abused by my stepfather, my Mother did nothing to stop it when I told her.

You can come back from your childhood, It is very sad that we have this forever hanging about like some kind of awful shadow but with therapy and finding small things that bring you some happiness it can be surmounted. The shadows lessen, they are less dark and less deep.

I found joy in nature, long walks, looking up through trees and gardening. I have also experienced a lot of people that I love dying in the last few years, it’s been really tough. I don’t know you and you don’t know me but I am sending you love.