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Original poster

Struggling with my Mum

5 replies

Flutterbye22 · 05/08/2023 19:10

Hello everyone.

I am 33 y/o - left a long-term relationship last year in which we had our own house and were engaged. Was a really traumatic time and I had to move back in with my Mum.

Lost my Dad two years ago. Mum & Dad were still together. Ever since I’ve moved back home - my mum has been treating me really poorly. Saying stuff to me like she is ashamed of me… I’m only back due to my problems… I am disrespectful etc.

I’ve spoken to some friends about it and they think she might be depressed & going thru something. Which I understand. I too suffer from terribly low mood. I want nothing more than to be back in my own house (used to run a 3 bedroom home) or have my own place. I don’t earn too badly and have a professional job but due to my poor MH, I can only work 3 days at the moment. I am hoping to increase this from Sept / October.

The atmosphere at home is terrible and it’s making me very depressed to the point where I’m struggling to look after myself and think clearly. My mum keeps making these comments and I try my best to avoid her but she will text and message me them as well. As a result I’ve been spending more time outside of the household and with friends but it’s making me spend more money.

my goal is to try to buy my own place, but I need to wait for another 3-4 months after I’ve gone back to full-time hours in order to qualify for the mortgage. How do I survive until then? It’s looking like next year is when this will happen. My mum has just yesterday started asking me for rent. Today is the 2 year anniversary of my Dad’d death

im so stressed - I don’t feel like I can think clearly or cope very well. Does anyone have any advice? My other thoughts were to rent temporarily but everything is so expensive - a 1 bedroom flat in the south east. I hate how expensive everything has become and this impacts on my mental health too and I worry so much I can’t sleep at night.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 05/08/2023 19:19

Op that sounds awful. Your mum is probably struggling if she's not normally this cruel but it's not an excuse for her to treat you so badly. Would a flatshare be an option? Or would you have a friend who would take you on as a lodger until you have enough to get your own place?

It sounds like you need a bit of space in your day to have the chance to think clearly, going for counselling or going walking with headphones might help you find that space outside of the house? Some charities do free counselling so it doesn't need to cost you anything.

I understand your mum asking you for rent, cost of living is affecting everyone it's just poor timing really. Have you told your mum directly the impact her comments are having on you and that it's holding you back from getting back to work and your own place? I think if your mum is being like that you need to have a line ready for her such as 'I refuse to be spoken to like that, you can talk to me again when you can be respectful ' and walk away and go to your bedroom or go out. If she's likely to then text you to keep going you mute her on your phone. If she's consistently getting the same, mature response then she will eventually stop because she'll know what's coming. That's the only thing that worked with my mum. I had to leave the house a few times but if you're consistent then it's effective.

Gymmum82 · 05/08/2023 19:22

I think you need to move in to a house share. Or do you have a friend you can stay with for a while? And pay them obviously.
You’ll never work your way back to FT work while she’s damaging your mental health.
Sounds like hers is poor but it’s no excuse to take it out on you. Try and get away from her somewhere as cheap as possible to stay

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 05/08/2023 20:27

Gymmum82 · 05/08/2023 19:22

I think you need to move in to a house share. Or do you have a friend you can stay with for a while? And pay them obviously.
You’ll never work your way back to FT work while she’s damaging your mental health.
Sounds like hers is poor but it’s no excuse to take it out on you. Try and get away from her somewhere as cheap as possible to stay

I agree - I’m not getting better living with her. I’m getting worse.

problem with house share is I don’t feel strong enough to live with others at the moment. I also need a quiet and confidential room to work from due to the nature of my job and I worry I won’t get this from a house share.

I will keep looking though… thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 05/08/2023 20:32

Lavender14 · 05/08/2023 19:19

Op that sounds awful. Your mum is probably struggling if she's not normally this cruel but it's not an excuse for her to treat you so badly. Would a flatshare be an option? Or would you have a friend who would take you on as a lodger until you have enough to get your own place?

It sounds like you need a bit of space in your day to have the chance to think clearly, going for counselling or going walking with headphones might help you find that space outside of the house? Some charities do free counselling so it doesn't need to cost you anything.

I understand your mum asking you for rent, cost of living is affecting everyone it's just poor timing really. Have you told your mum directly the impact her comments are having on you and that it's holding you back from getting back to work and your own place? I think if your mum is being like that you need to have a line ready for her such as 'I refuse to be spoken to like that, you can talk to me again when you can be respectful ' and walk away and go to your bedroom or go out. If she's likely to then text you to keep going you mute her on your phone. If she's consistently getting the same, mature response then she will eventually stop because she'll know what's coming. That's the only thing that worked with my mum. I had to leave the house a few times but if you're consistent then it's effective.

Flatshare could be an option I guess - Just worried about living with a stranger due to my current mental state. None of my friends are in a position to lodge me. I only have a handful of friends anyway.

space in the day for walks sound good - I’ve already had some therapy and the therapist told me I need to get away from my mum for my own mental health. My mum has made me want to end my life at times. It’s really, really bad. I’m smart enough to recognise it’s not rational, but when you’re in the situation at home, it’s intense, and you feel trapped. It’s like a domestic violence environment but it’s emotional and verbal. Yes as soon as I walk away or ignore her or go to my room, I get a barrage of text messages! I’ve actually just blocked her on WhatsApp now. It’s too much.

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 05/08/2023 21:25

Flutterbye22 · 05/08/2023 20:27

I agree - I’m not getting better living with her. I’m getting worse.

problem with house share is I don’t feel strong enough to live with others at the moment. I also need a quiet and confidential room to work from due to the nature of my job and I worry I won’t get this from a house share.

I will keep looking though… thank you x

Show quote history

If you’re strong enough to live with your abusive mother. You’re strong enough to live in a house/flat share. Where people will most likely be much nicer to you.
You’ll have your own room to work in and most likely your flat mates will be out at work during the day unless they too are WFH.
You can’t carry on like this. Instead of making excuses as to why you can’t leave make plans to leave

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