Narcissistic Mother and impact on Adult Mother

[tx5il]

Hi I am the adult mother of teenage children. As they get older you would think I would have enough going on in my own life to worry about my relationship with my own mother. But unfortunately I am letting my narcisstic mother cloud my judgement, effect my behaviour and consume my focus on things.
I am trying and I have read every book I feel on the topic, I have great support from my brothers who suffer too from her behaviour and I have a husband who is very understanding. My children see it and I know its up to me now to change things. Today I just felt honestly enough is enough with my behaviour never mind hers!!! I just want to be kind, civil and not feel crap when I get off the phone or meet her. She is living on her own now and I ring her every week, text during the week and visit her often. I have to psych myself up to do all that and the relief I feel when its over makes me feel so guilty. But today I just realised I am never myself even on the phone and I feel I am actually not even nice to her. But its so difficult to share happy stories around the kids etc as she never really seems to be interested or will answer straight away that her life is so hard. She makes no effort to engage with family life with us and if anything good is going on in mine life she will ignore it or focus on other peoples lives. Recently one of my children won a major award in a different country. I sent the family group chat a picture - I very rarely do this. This child has special needs and it really was a big event! I was so proud of my daughter. My mother never acknowledged it and when my sister posted something about something else my mother posted so much on it. Even writing this I realise how stupid all of this is and life is so short - just live it with kindness and ignore the crap and get on with your life. God knows its busy enough and I am so lucky to have what I have. But just today I was wondering how to people deal with toxic relationships that you are not going to go no contact with but you want to stay kind, strong and not give a ........ Thank you!

Sadly she'll never be the mother you want (and deserve). You don't have to go NC or LC but you do have to emotionally disengage with her for your own sanity. If you can view her as a woman who, for whatever reason, is unable to feel or express love or happiness you can be kind, civil but ultimately unaffected by anything she does or says.

Contact kept to a minimum and kept banal. Check out the Out of the Fog website for ideas on how to manage your own emotions and reactions around her. Techniques I find useful are Grey Rock and Observe, don't Absorb.

Congratulations to your daughter on her award.

Thank you so much for the words of wisdom and advise. Its always great to have other people say things that you know yourself in your brain you should do, but its your tummy and heart that let you down to practice them.

I have to start not feeling guilty for not always being the one at the end of the line or front door when she is in a bad mood and takes it out on me and importantly to cherish my own family and not want her approval.
I always say to my own kids when they note how awful she is - that she gave me a gift on how not to be a mother!

Life is so precious and I know this first hand and I just want to have inner peace and not always doing things that have my mother behaviour in my head.
I really know I am the problem not her!!! In the words of a famous singer - its me, I;m the problem its me.............😀
Thank you again!

Having been where you are the ONLY solution is NC. Sorry.

You are not the back stop op. Someone like this is very good at making you feel like you have to be there for them because they have no one else. It isn’t true. You don’t have to and there is always someone else. You don’t have to take all their shit. If you want to keep some contact then get really good at boundaries. And you’ll have to repeat them, a lot.

Could have written op myself. I minimise contact but have started being more assertive when she tries on the guilt trips. My sister is much better at doing that than I am.
It's really hard but try not to let it eat you up.

This will sound awful but my dad was the same. Was always on eggshells and unconfortable from when we were kids. Lots of PA and even SA in our childhood.
When he died and I was in my early 30s, it was very strange. I didn't go to see him in hospital as it was a long way and I had a newborn. I couldn't face the conversation.
I did go to the funeral but my sister didn't. Lots of people wondered why.
I was emotional and very mixed up. In some ways I felt guilt, other ways sadness, loss but also release and closure.
I still feel guilty for not going to see him when he died but I just couldn't face it.

Mum still has a hold over me but it's getting weaker as I stand up for myself and don't give in to her guilt trips and her way of making me feel exhausted every time I see her or hear her drama.

I don't answer the phone now when she rings. I brace myself and ring back when I'm ready or send a text message.

I would say after years of walking on egg shells around my sibling, finally walking away has saved my sanity. What has helped has been talking to others about narcissist abuse and reading up about it. In the end, they can't change. It has helped me to realise there is nothing instrinsic in them that will be able to do anything other than prioritise their own primary needs. If you choose to stay, you should set your bar extremely low.

My goodness what stories too from you all and its clear you really understand. Its actually helped me over the past 24hours to realise some people actually understand the battle that goes on. I have brothers who fully get it, but my sister is very much team Mum and exhibits similiar traits. Then I look at her and realise she is the golden child but that probably has its own challenges. She does see how my Mum is with me and my family but yet never supports me either and that hurts. One thing having your Mum be the way she is but when your sister decides to ignore it or behave like your Mum then it is very upsetting. But as you all say distance and getting myself right is the key. I am determined now literally from this hour to try to keep negativity and toxicity out of my life and to concentrate and appreciate the wonderful family I do have. Its wearing on them too when I am not myself and in fact I feel as I get older I don't know who I am as a result of the crap I have and do put up with it with other family members. I do need to stand up for myself or move away in my head from the crap and get on with my own life. I know for sure my Mum and even my sister are not thinking of me right now and letting my behaviour effect them.

Its funny as you get older you would think you would have more sense. I feel as I get older and watch my own children and my own relationship with them I feel sadder about the lack of positivity I have with my mother and now unfortunately my sister.

Thank you again and as you say they won't change but I need too and thats the advise too I would be giving someone else in this situation. @Sittingonasale hugs to you too.

Take care all!

Just popping back in as feeling rather weak or should I say not strong about my relationship with my mother or even my own behaviour. My wonderful mil is at end of life stage at the moment. I love her dearly and she has been a really special person in my and my kids life. My own mother hasn't asked me about her or asked how her grandkids or hubby are or really anything about the situation bar told me she was praying extensively for her and lighting candles when she is with her friends going to church. I saw red today when I spoke to her and I shouldn't have let myself down by saying maybe when your in the church the next time you might light a candle for me and grandkids who are really struggling watching her suffer and being so ill. "Why don't you stop visiting her and let your husband family be there if your that upset". Sorry I shouldn't even be posting this. Her lack of empathy today and in general just hit a real chord with me and I just felt finally I cannot even ring her now without me feeling awful when I get off the phone. Why ring her you may ask - out of guilt I guess, feeling I should check in on her! Never a check in the other way - unfortunately. Thanks for listening. I guess the more I feel crap with that relationship - a penny should drop and stop stop engaging!!! Thanks all.

Have a read of the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on the Relationships forum of MN. It is not possible to have a relationship with someone as disordered of thinking as your mother is. You’re also going to have to let go of all hope that she will change, this is who she really is and she is not going to apologise, let alone take any responsibility for her actions.

You have been immensely harmed by her and now your children will
be harmed in not too dissimilar ways either. You have to drop the rope she holds out to you. The sky will not fall in on you if you decide to have no contact or low contact (that often leads to no contact anyway). You’re probably also one of the few, if anyone else, who actually bothers with her. This is because you’ve received the Special Training given to children of narc parents. You are basically taught to put them first with your own needs and wants dead last. Cutting her out of your lives is not a bad thing, you are protecting your children from bad things.

Your mother is a deplorably bad parent to you as a child and she has not changed in all the years since then.

Help yourself by cutting down the number of calls you make to her weekly and gradually. Deal with your fear obligation and guilt through therapy. YouTube podcasts featuring Dr Ramani are good to watch.

Narcissistic people have no empathy at all. None. This should not be a surprise to you. If you want to at all see your mother you’re going to have to be about as interesting to her as a grey rock and tell her nothing, particularly to do with your MIL. You need to put her on a strict information diet.

I had similar problems with my mother; her complex personality disorders governing a lot of my feelings and responses to situations. I would think about her all the time; constantly comparing my parenting to hers. Kind of obsessive, very tiring and not remotely productive.
I started to see a jungian analyst who was able to help me work out what was actually wrong with my mother. We talked about her behaviour a lot, and having an expert eye on it really helped demystify it for me.

A few years before this happened, my mother stopped talking to me for 5 weeks the day after DS was born, I was so upset about this. Then when she decided to speak to me again something snapped in me. I'm not sure what but her power disappeared and I stopped caring Aboyne her.

The jungian analysis was the final piece of the puzzle for me.

I have a narcissist mother also. Growing up, I tried everything in my power to try to please her, constantly putting her needs first before my own, and I never once got a thank you. Very rarely she said she was proud of me, I think she has only said that 2 or 3 times in my whole lifetime and I am now in my 40s. It was always about her, her moaning constantly about her life, but not asking about mine, it was always that she wanted me to help her with something but she wouldn’t help me with anything. Our relationship was always very one sided and there was no empathy from her whatsoever, no care even. She often said her friends are her family, and told me I was a mistake. I would feel discarded, like a spare part. So, sometime in my 30s I realised enough was enough, she is never going to change. So I went LC, slowly at first, now I only speak to her twice a year and I am hoping it will be NC eventually as she may give up on me. My brother has gone NC with her and hasn’t spoken to her in well over 20 years now. I am sorry to say this but if you see a pattern of this behaviour they rarely change, I agree with other posters that you may like to consider going LC or NC. Since I have gone LC it has been like weight off my shoulders, I am finally able to get on with my own life and concentrate on trying to be a good mum to my own DD now. I no longer have that panicky feeling of having to see her or the constant second questioning of myself if I am doing the right thing. I no longer live with the guilt of trying to be a good daughter and failing. I can finally be free and be myself.

You didn’t let yourself down for standing up to her. I think you should go NC with her and concentrate on your own family who sound like they love you very much.

I am so sorry to hear about your mother in law 💐

Thank you all so much.

For the first time ever @Cats1234567 the comments you noted " I no longer live with the guilt of trying to be a good daughter and failing. I can finally be free and be myself"--that just sums it up for me. I couldn't articulate it and thats it all in a nut shell. I need to remind myself of this - thank you!!! I actually shed a tear - but hopefully this is a good set of tears!! Tx you!!!

Completely understand these posts. I have a narcisstic MIL. I have nothing to do with her and dh keeps her at arms length. We only reached this stage after years of trying our best and realising we were never going to be able to do the right thing. Nothing was ever right. We have had so much peace since putting in those boundaries and accepting that we can't change her but we can protect ourselves and our family.
I also have difficulties with my own mother. I've never been sure she is completely narcissistic but definitely cold and unable to show love or give praise, unless you are the favourite. Every interaction is negative, she's always looking for the negative in any situation and similar to you there have been lots of instances where she could have said well done or showed some pride in her grandchildrens achievements but she seems to be incapable of it. I also have to keep her at a distance and find any time spent around her physically draining. It makes me feel really sad sometimes when I see the close relationships other people have with their mums. Luckily, I learned to accept that it wasn't my fault, it's entirely on her.

Thanks again everyone for the posts and the understanding. Sometimes you feel you really are on your own with your experiences and then you realise others have experienced it too and fully "get it". Virtual hug to you all today. Tx you!