After suffering for a while and getting scarily close to ending my life, I went to the gp.
I am not depressed, I am going about day to day life fine, altho my brain feels a bit foggy. I got some sleeping tablets (was told lowest dose and wouldnt kill me even if took all), but when I went to collect them they weren't ready and I was told to go back to the doctors reception.. I did and they told me to sit. This felt like a set up to get me to see someone else so I left.
For context:
I just feel done. My childhood was very abusive by my parents, I was also groomed by a parents friend. I left home to uni and then got in an emotional abusive relationship (didn't start this way). For years it was very happy. That broke me. My family member was sectioned, twice, my nan died, all in my uni years. My other parent would cry about their divorce. I developed tics as a child that got much worse during these years. I left uni became a professional, what a mistake that was. Worked so hard for a career that was awful. Left it, felt broken again. Yes you guessed it another unhealthy relationship. I think I was just looking to escape living with parent after my failed career.
Met my now partner and father to my children. Finally very happy pre kids. My first was born, most horrific day of my life. Nhs lied. Haemorrhage. Both in danger. This replays all the time. Pregnant with 2nd. Horrific hallucinations, spiders on ceilings, snakes in bed etc. Perinatal mental health cbt for cptsd. Therapist wrote to my gp that's what he was treating for me (I'm not diagnosed). Useless. Tried to relive trauma to experience it differently... horrendous idea for me. Second born here and safe. Feel happy..First born is diagnosed with non verbal asd, and a rare bone disease. Constantly cries in pain. Now realising my partner (altho truly wonderful) isn't for me. Very weak willed. Can't form his own opinions..needs everything hand holding. I'm.exhausting being the one to do all the disability paperwork. No relationship with extended family. Resent mine for leaving me to struggle..I'd begged for help. Also hate them for my childhood.
Any how after Dr's, next day I get multiple calls from crisis team. I ignore. Just want it all to stop. Get voicemail saying collect pills then we will come in morning to assess. I ignored. They ring again asking to know I'm safe and speak with partner. Say no again, they say they'll be back in touch with gp and they couldnt tell if i had consented as form isnt clear. Sound threatening. I have no idea if I did or didn't. Another person keeps contacting me, again say no.
I went to gp for help and they were amazing, I thought gp was going to cry too. But now I have options I don't want them. I'm not even sure why I went..maybe to get pills, yet I know I wouldn't have taken these. Dr has made me another appointment to see them, I want to cancel but scared they'll worry. I dont feel i need it and someone else does. I'm not a planner. If I died it'd be impulsive enoughs enough. I don't loathe myself, I actually really like who I am but this life is being so cruel. I.wouldnt ever self harm. I'm more of a get the job done person.
Not sure why I'm posting need to get my thoughts out