I can not ever see a life without anxiety and poor mental health - can you ever conquer this?

[Inaworldmadeofsteel]

Because it has plagued me for most of my 50 years and is wearing me down to the bone.

I was a very anxious child with a very active imagination, lots of ocd’s, general anxieties, health anxieties and strange behaviours (which I suppose I used to help me ‘cope’ with the anxieties).

Although I have had better times during these 50 years, I have never been fully free of anxiety, never felt free, light and what others would describe as feeling happy.

And over the years depression and other issues have decided to join the party which has made the anxiety even worse. I am currently at the worst I have ever been (and I know menopause probably makes it all worse but HRT hasn’t helped sadly).

I don’t think that I will ever free my poor frazzle mind from it all.

I live as healthy a life as possible (boringly so but that’s health anxiety for you) but still I am riddled with low mood, anxieties and dark thoughts.

Tried endless medications over the years but they make me feel dreadful (I have gut issues, exacerbated by the anxiety, which become worse on antidepressants which then makes the anxiety flare even more….great!).

Years of CBT, talking therapies, counselling, mindfulness etc have had little impact (and I do put in so much effort to feel better as I am desperate to become free of it all).

It feels so much more powerful and stronger than anything I can hold up against it, nothing makes it retreat.

The older I get the more I feel so worn down by it all and so fed up and tired fighting it all the time that I may as well let it consume me, let it ruin me?

Can you really ever be free of poor mental health? I am starting to think not.

In a word, yes, you can. You developed anxiety at a young age but you weren't born anxious so something caused it. How were your parents and grandparents? Was there anything unsettling in your early years? Finding the root cause is the key to resetting your subconscious mindset to change the negative thought patterns.

Agree with PP. I'm coming to the realisation now in my 40s that I'm going to have to invest some real time and energy in decent therapy to release me a little for the rest of my life.
My anxiety developed from copying my mum's health anxiety and GAD (which only became utterly obvious to me when I saw her interacting with kids and every little thing they did was driving her wild with worry) and also she had a severe depressive episode when I was about 8 or 9.
Clearly this is learned behaviour - my brain thinks it's keeping me safe when it's doing the exact opposite - and I need to retain it.

Would you consider trying again with another therapist? Maybe you need to find one with a different approach.

Thank you Eyesopenwideawake and YukoandHiro I do believe that a lot of it is most probably learnt behaviour (although my dsis doesn’t have the same issues as me). Although my dad and his parents were very laid back people, my mum and her parents were the polar opposite (huge anxieties, constant worry and fret and lots of health anxieties) and were a big influence in my life (parents are only children so GP around a lot).
I have also discovered in recent years my mum suffered from post natal depression after the birth of my sister (I am 2 years older) and was whacked out on Valium for a while (dad said he would come home from work and find her asleep on the sofa and us playing on the floor). I remember nothing of this and only recall my mum being an anxious but wonderful, caring mother (sadly now has Alzheimer’s so can not tell me much about my younger years anymore).
I do recall having lots of anxieties and worries bigger than my young years (ie existential fears, contamination fears and health anxieties) from a very young age.
YukoandHiro I would absolutely love to invest a lot of time and money in long term therapy for my issues but sadly I just do not (and have never) had the funds. My gp can only offer me more CBT which is currently only for 6 sessions (and can only cover one mental health concern at a time) and it is typed CBT which has not helped me in the past.

Changing the way you think doesn't necessarily involve huge investments of time and money. Your subconscious mind wants you to be safe and happy (actually happy and safe - otherwise people wouldn't do dangerous sports!) but yours is still working on the principles it learnt in your formative years - "huge anxieties, constant worry and fret and lots of health anxieties" and is still working on the basis that that's the correct way to behave. It is possible to change this.

Please have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis - lots of info on there.

Similar age to you and yes, plagued by anxiety and depression on and off. I have functioned but never comfortably - for example, a job which I was over-qualified for but stressed over. I'm a mum which has caused me anxiety too and prone to health anxiety. I've also experienced PND. And now the dreaded peri-menopause on top of everything else.

Difficult childhood - abuse, distant mother who was also on valium and likely alcohol. Bullied at school.

Years of psychotherapy, CBT hasn't had a huge impact. Now I have a diagnosis, I am on the pathway for DBT and EMDR. Remedial hypnosis does look interesting but I'm going to try the EMDR first as I've heard such great things about it.

To answer your question I don't know until I've exhausted treatment. I've also tried endless medication. Just as an added point, I'm also attending a screening test for neuro diversity soon. It could be a combination of this and C-PTSD. It felt like a huge relief to have the C-PTSD diagnosis.

Thank you Eyesopenwideawake I will take a look at your AMA.
BimboandTopsy Being a mum too has definitely upped my anxiety levels as well, I totally understand. I suffered PND too, that wasn’t a fun time at all. I have had EMDR sessions but sadly it didn’t help BUT it was during Covid lockdown and so via Zoom, I imagine face to face would be much more successful. I hope it goes well for you, it does appear to have good results for many people.
I do believe that I could be neuodiverse, in particular somewhere on the autistic spectrum. I have many quirks and idiosyncrasies which I am sure could be attributed to a neurodiverse issue but at 50 and having been told for so many years that it’s ‘just’ anxiety, I worry I won’t be taken seriously if I raise the subject with my GP and I don’t have the funds for private assessment.