DD18 really bad. Advice please.

[WhatDoIDo1999]

DD has had mental health problems for a while. Depression, anxiety etc. She sleeps all day, doesn’t eat (has had 200 calories in the last 36 hours) she’s lost all interest in life. She literally just lies in bed all day.

Background: Her dad and I broke up 2.5 years ago- she always had a decent relationship with her dad after the split until she found out he had raped me. She cut him off straight away and is very negative towards him but obviously is struggling with not having her dad. Her two younger brothers see him still(they don’t know anything) and I think she feels jealous of them although she is great with the boys and doesn’t display it.

She’s so enthusiastic about meteorology, wants to study it at uni. She did her a levels and has had poor attendance We tried intervention for it with the school to little success. I think she has given up and feels she’s wasted her time so thinks she has failed and won’t get into uni.

As she’s 18 now I’m not really sure where to go for help. She’s told me she thinks she’s fat (she’s 5’11 and weighs 9 stone 7) she very tall and has lost a considerable amount of weight. Her face is gaunt.

It’s heartbreaking to see and I feel so much guilt over the reasons why she’s so down. I was at the time barely managing to keep myself afloat and didn’t see how much she was suffering.
Thank you for reading this far.

She must be horribly conflicted - loving her dad yet hating what he did, added to the facade she needs to keep up with her brothers. Could you and she talk to a rape counsellor together? In the longer term she would probably benefit from therapy to help her understand that this was nothing to do with her and that there was absolutely nothing she could have done to prevent it.

How are you coping OP? Could your daughter be feeling despair at not being able to protect you and seeing you suffer? Joint therapy sounds helpful or both going together to see different people and making it your QT to connect? She must be envious of her blissfully ignorant brothers and must be so conflicted feeling angry at the whole situation- why do they get to not know, they should know and share her rage etc - she must have a million hopeless thoughts.
Do you have any joint interest you could follow when the boys are out? A distraction or trip away might help even if brieflylift her head from her rut. What about any other daily like your mum and close friends aunts etc who you could meet for afternoon tea with books or go for a walk or whatever- maybe some girls close time would help cocoon her from this harsh truth she's grappling with.
Also will you tell your boys at some point? They might be angry they don't know if they find out later? They might want to support you and DD- how old are they?
Really feel for you both xxx

im so sorry this happened to you. I hope youre ok. You daughter... she sounds like she needs to talk to a therapist. It must be very hard to process what her dad did. She probably feels like she cant talk to you about it too and has no-one else. Her dad probably made her feel safe and its very confusing for her.

Thank you.

All you posted above is true. I can’t imagine how conflicted she must be. It took me ages to process the man I knew for 20 years was like this.
She’s so good with the boys. They’re 13 & 15 (the older one is very emotionally immature) they know something has gone on but not what. It kills me to have to have a co-parenting relationship with him. It seems so unfair but I made the choice to let him still see them.

Me and DD do talk about it sometimes. We’ve had very frank chats. She’s very sensible in this way and I’m proud of her. We share some similar interests and have times where we go and do fun things, but it’s infrequently and dependant on whether she gets out of bed.

You need to get her to see a dr and psychotherapist for help.
It sounds like she needs lots of love and support, which it sounds like she’s getting from you. It must be so hard to watch your dd go through this, especially with the trauma you have suffered. I wish you all the very best.