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Major depression

8 replies

Ilovemycatalot · 30/07/2023 19:30

i’m going through major depression and I just can’t shake it. Under the mental health team and on antipsychotics for depression but I’m just not getting better.
The last couple of months have been daily mental torture and I hate every day it’s like dreaming of never waking up.
i’m only here for my dd as she has no dad in her life so care would fall to my elderly parents but how long can you go on when every day is just unbearable? Not even sure why I’m posting but had to get it out somewhere.

OP posts:
Ilovemycatalot · 30/07/2023 19:32

I just wish I was diagnosed with a terminal illness I know that sounds sick but that’s how desperate I am.
At least no one could blame me for leaving then.

OP posts:
GetInTheBinThenGetInTheSea · 30/07/2023 19:40

Oh you poor thing. I remember having major depression myself and it was absolutely wretched. I remember wishing I would die of how unhappy I was. It took me a long time to recover, but luckily it did happen.

Did anything trigger it for you?

Ilovemycatalot · 30/07/2023 19:42

I think it’s a build up of traumatic experiences and masking for years which I’m good at. My brain just can’t take it anymore basically.

OP posts:
mushroomushroom · 30/07/2023 19:47

Hi there, I suffered from major depression about ten years ago and to be honest, I can't remember much about that time. I was under the care of psychiatrists and psychologists and took antidepressants (I didn't take antipsychotics but it was discussed). For me what was most helpful was the psychologist. Once I was out of the depression what became key for me was to be able to identify when I was on the downward slope again and to get help in time to stop it from progressing.

For me, there was no shortcut to making me "feel better", it was so gradual, until one day I realised that it had been a couple of months that I hadn't cried or had suicidal ideation.

The pain of it is exquisite, there is nothing like it, you can't move for the heaviness (or nothingness).

All I can say is that I know it's possible to get through, and that I think it's a very personal journey though it. The only way out is through, and even though the pain is overwhelming, it doesn't last forever.

A combination of medication and talk therapy is what helped me, if you need inpatient speak to your doctors about it.

Sending you lots of love OP, I know how absolutely awful and bleak it can be, but I can also promise that there is a life worth living at the end of it xxx

Ilovemycatalot · 30/07/2023 19:49

I’m just scared how long this will last. At least if I knew a time line I could make it through

OP posts:
Ilovemycatalot · 30/07/2023 19:51

Also not sure why I’m on antipsychotic medication and not antidepressants? I didn’t get a choice but I’m not bi polar or anything like that so is it going to help me?

OP posts:
GetInTheBinThenGetInTheSea · 30/07/2023 19:59

I have memory loss from mine too. I don't know why because I normally have a very good memory even for traumatic events, but maybe my brain wasn't working properly? I don't know.

I'd say I was acutely unwell for about four months (which I can't really remember now), then very down for about six months, and then slowly I started coming back to myself after another six months. So it wasn't quick but it was definitely an upward trajectory. I'm really glad I didn't manage to do myself any serious harm because it got very close a few times. But I think you will get better even if it feels impossible now.

I don't think anything in particular helped massively apart from time. But some things that were comforting were audiobooks in the dark, binging the same predictable programme over again, making myself go to exercise classes, trying to get routines going, even if it was just simple stuff like folding laundry, moving in with a friend temporarily so they could look after me a bit, and going for a drive.

coffeeisthebest · 31/07/2023 17:34

So sorry you are in this space. I wish we could tell you how long it will take but none of us can as you well know. You just have to take up your space here I guess. I also tried to make little routines and do what I could. I tried to be as good a parent as I could when I felt like the bottom had dropped out of my life, I felt like there was no stability anywhere. It took me a while too but gradually structure returned and I didn't feel quite so wretched. It's so difficult to describe what it's like, I just remember knowing I wouldn't wish it on anyone. So take care of yourself,be gentle with yourself, and just see what the day brings. x

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