I’m heavily pregnant and so excited to meet my baby, this is the only part of my life that I’m happy about and having any positive emotions towards. A much wanted baby that took years to conceive and I’ve never felt luckier.
However in the background the rest of my life is falling to sht and I’ve had enough.
I have a teenage daughter who has been hell to parent since she hit puberty. Her behaviour has got worse and has involved police and early social intervention on two occasions. The stress she has put me through is hard to explain. It’s never ending and makes me feel like the worse mother in the word. Our bond is broken and most days I despise her. She’s going into her final year of senior school and won’t focus on her GCSEs, just getting into illegal situations and mixing with the wrong crowd. I may now have to remove her from school for her own safety.
Where we live is awful with non stop crime and neighbours from hell. I feel trapped and I’m walking on eggshells constantly. We moved here for extra space for the baby as we were in a 2 bed flat previously but it turns out it was the biggest regret of my life coming here. We’re now stuck here until spring at a minimum and all I do is cry about bringing the baby home to this dump.
My friends went awol when I told them I was pregnant and they realised I couldn’t meet socially for drinking or parties anymore. Their children are nearer to my daughters age so me starting over again has ruined their social plans and made them push me out. My so called best friend of 23 years didn’t even check on me after I had a bleed at 19 weeks and I haven’t heard from her since.
My partner is a workaholic and always choses job options over time with us. He was asked to work late tonight and told me he had no choice for me to find out it was optional. When I need him most he conveniently has other things to do. He doesn’t know how down I am because he just doesn’t understand and thinks I’m always over reacting. It doesn’t effect him the way it does me as my mental health is shot to pieces and I have no support system around me. I have to bottle up how unhappy I am and it builds up more each day. I feel guilt that I’m bringing a baby into this situation but it was never like this when we were ttc or found out about the pregnancy. It feels like the world is trying to punish me for wanting to be happy.
On top of the cost of living crisis while on maternity allowance everything is just too much for me to cope with alone. This baby is the first bit of happiness I’ve had in 10 years and something always ruins that for me. My midwife is aware of my daughters issues resulting in social services coming to her school for a safeguarding check so I’m now worried if I tell her how I feel that they’ll assume I’m a bad mother and will want to give me a social worker for the baby’s safety. I’m not a danger to my children I’m just worn down and struggling with the environment I now exist in.
Has anyone else been through this and found the strength to make changes? It’s not my hormones as I know many will suggest, it’s the result of several bad situations on my shoulders with no one to share it with. I don’t want my baby’s early years ruined by me feeling like this I just want to be happy.