Completely crumbling and all alone

[EndoftheRope1]

I suffer with anxiety but can function at home in our usual routine.

I have taken DC away this week thinking it would be lovely to have a change of scenery. I knew it might be a bit of a challenge but it's been harder than I could ever have imagined.

My brain has been taken over by anxiety after anxiety and carrying on as normal when dealing with it has really taken its toll. I've not slept well either and the exhaustion is now next level. I don't even want to eat anymore.

After putting DC to bed I started crying and now can't stop. Even if I try to think about something else tears keep streaming down my face.

On top of it all, DCs are having an amazing time and I'm already feeling guilty knowing I 100% can't go through this ever again.

I was just hoping for a handhold. I feel so alone with it all

Handhold OP. I’ve dealt with anxiety for many years, it’s mentally exhausting. Just a cycle of awful thoughts. Would you being able to call Samaritans ? When I was going through it badly with my anxiety, I called and spoke to a lady, it really help just for someone to listen. Let yourself cry, get it all out. I know you’re on holiday but would you be able to get a hot drink and perhaps put on something to watch? Maybe something funny or a documentary ? Sometimes they help to keep your mind off of your thoughts. This will pass.

OP sounds tough for you. Please don't think about "ever again".... think about this week. And tomorrow. What would be fun/ do-able? How old are your DC? Mine are tweens and honestl think that crumpets and jam and an hour extra screen time is the Best Day Ever. One day at a time my lovely, you will get through this. Where are you? What fo you need? Can a family of internet strangers do some googling and find some activities that will fit with what you can cope with?

Anxiety combined with change can really put you on a downward spiral. I had two plumbers in my house yesterday (well one plus his apprentice) and they were doing jobs in 3 different rooms. There was stuff pulled out all over the place plus their tools plus they were shouting to each other and banging and crashing. I felt so utterly stressed out I was practically having an out of body experience.
It sounds so daft to say that but I hate people in my house at the best of times but I can cope with one tradesman even though it really stresses me. Two working in 3 rooms had me just about crying. Honestly.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You have done something difficult for you so that your kids have a great time. That's amazing. When you get back home and settled back in your safezone and your routines you will be pleased they had a great time. It's tough though.
I watched 5 episodes of Downton Abbey after the plumbers left as I find it 'soothing' but vowed never to let another person over my threshold again.
(Shame that is impossible!)

Hi @EndoftheRope1 you are doing amazing, you are not alone, Mum's go through anxiety. You are so strong, you have taken DC for a week away, you have inspired me to do the same xx

Thank you so much. Still crying over here. I feel like screaming. I honestly can't see a way out, I'm already thinking what anxiety I will be dealing with when I get home. I see no end in sight and it's so bleak. My chest is so tight and I can barely breathe.

I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I'm fed up with being so weak and not "normal".

I wish I could call samaritans but we're in a small place and I doubt I can speak on the phone without the DC waking. My head is pounding and I dread tomorrow so much I'm fantasising about having to go to hospital or something (only for something minor) so i can get away from it all and not have to face anything.

Hi @EndoftheRope1 if possible could you open a window and breathe in some fresh air? Also, do you like music? Who is your favourite artist or band? Xx

Thank you @Summer2424 . The fresh air is good. I'm charging my headphones so I can hopefully put a podcast on soon, though I am really struggling to focus on anything

Your children are having a great time and its a testament to what a great parent you are despite the anxiety you face. Its probably deeply uncomfortable for you, but you are so strong.

Hi @EndoftheRope1 omg yes a good podcast is so good to listen too.
Later if you can, i know this is a bit random but try some yoga, there are some really good videos on You Tube xx

So sorry you are feeling this way. You have been incredibly brave going on a break.
Some good ideas on here for anxiety. Annoying pop up adverts but sound advice.

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/distress-self-help-now/

Ahhh this sounds familiar. I felt like this at one point too, it just crippled me... but it is possible to recover. I have zero anxiety now. Nothing!

Here's what helped me. For you now, just try and move into the now... literally this moment that we are in now. Forget about what will happen or what has happened. Focus on the now. Look around and start noticing your surroundings.

Breathe, do ordinary things like stretching and drinking tea. Any bad thoughts cut them off immediately and say to yourself you'll think of them another time.

Go slowly in the now. Find something funny to watch and move only within the moment.

It can go, it isn't you, it's possible to recover. Start just being yourself and forgive yourself for being anxious. So what if you are anxious, lots of women are anxious, it's part of our mothering instinct to keep our kids safe. It's just gone a bit haywire but now it'll pass and you can move into the next phase of your life leaving anxiety behind.

Talk to your doctor too, a course of antidepressants can fix it and get yourself a copy of The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

Thank you all, I am really grateful that people would take time out of their evening to message a stranger.

My DDs are just perfection, I love them so much I could burst, it pains me so much that I can't enjoy these precious times.

@PattyDuckface "no anxiety, zero". I'd honestly give all my money to have this. It doesn't even seem a remote possibility at the moment while I'm in the hell of my own brain but it gives me hope to know you've made it to the brighter side.

I feel for you, I've had such bad anxiety in the past and still do at times.

I'm thinking you should re label yourself a strong woman who is brave! Taking your DC away on your own is incredible and many wouldn't attempt, so I'm in awe of you! 💪🏼💪🏼.

You might just need more sleep perhaps? Always makes my anxiety worse.

My tool kit for moments like yours is...

Ground yourself - breathe outside
Drink a warm drink
Distraction- watch something utterly mindless but easy to follow - my go to is trashy stuff like Celebs go dating etc etc - I find it helps then I calm myself down and get perspective
When I've calmed down I remind myself it's just my body's alarm system misfiring, flight and fright response etc etc
Do breathing - square breathing - in for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4 (or similar)
Then repeat.
Podcasts or calming soothing stuff to listen to like short meditation helps

You are doing so well! Remember it's normal to feel anxious especially in this situation, focus on taking funny photos of the kids and gigging, doing daft stuff and getting them to give you huge cuddles. You've got this 💪🏼❤️

Your kids are enjoying themselves. They’re safe asleep, tired after a fun day. You’re doing great.

One more tip, try and eat something - buttered toast with jam for example? Even a few slices! All the blood will be diverted to digestion and carbs will relax you and help you sleep which might help too? X

Thank you @Cyberjammies I've always pushed myself outside my comfort zone knowing it would be tough but I'd figure it out and it's always worked out OK.

This is the first time it's been well and truly too much, and I feel like this time anxiety has won. Such a shitty feeling.

I have however stopped crying now (no tears left probably) and am feeling a bit more balanced. Reading this over and over has helped - "Any bad thoughts cut them off immediately and say to yourself you'll think of them another time." My brain had really reached capacity.

Hope you’re feeling better today OP.

How are you doing OP?

Thank you so much for asking. Yesterday was pretty bad, we had a nice day but I felt awful, it was a struggle to put on a happy face. I felt like I was having an actual breakdown. I had barely slept the night before which didn't help.

I have just had a really long night sleep so things seem a bit brighter this morning. I'm going to try my best to enjoy today.

AnxietyJosh has a great podcast that has helped me a lot with panic attacks and general anxiety, maybe try a listen of that, or even just the short videos on his instagram as thats where I first found him helpful

You dont ever have to do this again if you dont want to. And unless you have prepaid activities, you can choose things thatll be more manageable for you, esp if the dc are young.

I had agoraphobia and now live a full and 'normal' life after counselling and meds

It is so draining, I feel sorry for you going through it but there really is an end in sight. You have to want to get there, get angry at the anxiety now - not you. Use that anger then to push the anxiety away. Easier said than done, I know 🤗

Glad today is feeling brighter OP

That's great news - sleep is wonderful! Hope you have a wonderful day 😀