Just found out the worst news about my nephew’s father - please help.

[Babymama2022]

It sickens me to type this but I’ve just found out the most evil horrible news in the world today and mentally I need help dealing with it. I won’t say what it is but it involves the most evil thing you can think of. My sisters ex, the father of my niece, her son, is the definition of evil I’ve learned after what I’ve been told today. Social services and police were involved 2 years ago apparently but she never told me about this, and he was cleared, god knows how, but now they have found evidence of his evil crimes and he is not allowed to see my nephew again and will be taken to court for prosecution.

honestly it’s awful having the live with this knowledge, I’m so worried he did something to my nephew, he’s been staying with him every other week, he’s 10 years old. I have a baby myself, just turned one, thankfully this evil man has never been in contact with her and they live in a different city but I’m so worried thinking about other evil people like him in the world, it’s shaken me to the core, why do such evil people exist, how can they do such things? I want to protect my child and all children from horrible evil people like that. I’m so worried. I suffer from depression and anxiety and have struggled terribly in the past, I’m on antidepressants and getting myself in a good place, but this news has made me feel so sick and disturbed and worried, how can I be happy knowing that such evil people exist? I honestly feel like it’s going to be difficult to be happy after this news, how do I put it to the back of my mind? Please help someone, I can’t afford therapy at the moment. Thank you.

I am not sure what you are wanting from MN. You will maybe feel better if you concentrate on your sister and DN - do something practical in real life.

I'm assuming OP has mental health issues anyway from OP which is perhaps making this even more of a shock and perhaps OP just wants to offload on here.
It must be a shock at the minute OP

I suspect that this is a “circles of grief” thing. By “dumping out” onto mumsnet she can “comfort in” for her sister and nephew.

Op - no real advice I’m afraid. Focusing on what you can do practically to help your sister and nephew will help. It is very hard to get your head around though - about 5 years ago a close family friend that I grew up with was convicted of a sex offence. I’ve still not fully got my head around it. I will occasionally have a happy childhood memory pop into my head and then remember that he is in it and so can’t just enjoy the memory. And so many innocent things that I am now re-examining.

Are you fucking kidding me. How sad is your life you need to lash out and be unkind when someone is clearly desperate?

My grandfather was that evil man too, he destroyed quite a few peoples lives but I refuse to allow him to take my happiness too. His actions had a direct effect on my childhood and still have an effect on my relationship with my mother but I don't, and won't, give him headspace. If you are struggling with this then call your GP and ask for help.

Op I assume you are talking about child abuse. I think it's normal to be reeling. I'd look for specialist support like nspcc or something for families. What help are you currently getting for your mental health?

how about you don't come on the Mental Health forum to have a kick at someone who has heard news that would deeply disturb anyone. You might want to think a little more about yourself - bit of self reflection wouldn't hurt.

OP, when evil comes really close it is really disturbing and makes you question everything. Having your own small baby will also heighten all your senses of fear and vulnerability. Mind yourself and reach out for whatever support you can get/need. I hope your nephew and sister are as ok as they can be.

Give yourself time to take this in. Be kind to yourself. It must be an awful shock.

that's awful. we can't remove evil from the world... but we can do good actions. for me, looking at it like this really helps

OP having been in a similar position all I can say is you'll never get over it. It won't happen but hopefully, at some point, you won't think about it every hour of the day and when you go to bed every night. Time will get you to that point. You'll never understand what happened and you'll never comprehend or accept it. It's a very heavy burden to carry, having someone to carry it with you makes it not less heavy, but somehow easier to carry.
If your sister knew, which I think is kind of implied by the way you OP was phrased, I hope they both burn in hell together. People who close their eyes are just as guilty and hell is not hot enough for these monsters.

i wouldnt be able to sleep unless i knew

I think we all just bury this stuff down and try really hard not to think about the evil that goes on out there. Every now and then you’re forced to think about it if it’s in the news but you have been faced with dealing with it extremely close to home. I can’t even imagine how hard that must be for you and your family. I do know people who have been in similar situations though and it was really unimaginably tough for them. But they have come out the other side and although their family has been torn apart by in and nothing will ever really be the same again, they have found a way to move forward. Your family will get through this. Be there for your sister and nephew as much as you can but recognise your boundaries of how much you want her to talk about it

Be there for your nephew - increase your contact with him and let him know he can talk to you about anything (this may be easier than speaking to his own mother - it's less confronting) or can not talk to you if that's what he wants. Just let him know he's valued and has people looking out for him.

https://mosac.org.uk/ might help? If not you, then Dsis?

I'm really sorry this has happened to your family.

I don't think there's any easy answer to this. Give it some time for the worst of the initial shock to wear off. After that, things will still be difficult so maybe find a support group where you connect with people who've had a similar experience.

I'd also advocate supporting your sister and nephew if you feel you can as they may be victims and in need of a lot of support.

xx

OP, I completely disagree with others saying take it easy with your sister. No, you need to know for sure what and exactly how much she knew. There's no beating round the bush here. You need to find out and you need to listen to your gut and that voice in your head: did she or didn't she know?
I'm assuming the police were called by somebody other than her. If it had been her, she would have said something to her sister. This is the sort of thing you share with siblings and it dies there. Not many outside the circle will know. Not friends will know. So, who called the police? On what evidence?
You can't bury your head in the sand. This is a pivotal moment for your nephew but for you too. The ramifications for what happened don't stop with his guy going to jail. Your sister possibly having buried her head in the sand is something for you to take notice too.
You can't close your eyes and pretend this didn't happen. You need to know the facts in order to be able to move on. The not knowing will drive you insane. Your brain will try to fill in the gaps and that'll make you hit rock bottom faster. You're go stir crazy. You need to know. Not knowing will kill you slowly. You need to know so you can start getting out of the darkness and into the light.
I can't advise on charities in the UK but for the love of god, get your nephew some help. If his behaviour is very erratic maybe he needs a shrink on top of the therapist. This has to be handled by people who know what they're doing. You all need an expert for this. For the parent and the child therapy is an absolute must.
If you can afford it, you should see a professional too and talk to your GP.
Look up charities who are specialised in this. Again, I can't stress this enough, this must be handled by people who are experts in this field, preferably with experience. Don't let your nephew be seen by a rookie therapist.
Instead of luck I hope you can all find somebody to share this heavy load with you.

You sounds like you need to talk to someone in real life. There are free counselling and resources available in most areas. Try googling or posting in a local Facebook group (you don’t have to give any details). Also if you urgently need someone to talk to the Samaritans is a good place to start, you don’t have to be suicidal, in fact most of their callers aren’t. https://www.samaritans.org/

I'm sorry I told you to see somebody if you could afford it, I see now you can't having reread your OP. Talk to your GP. Ask for something to sleep better. Try Sertraline, I know somebody who had to start taking that as they too were talking about suicide in a similar situation. Sertraline was amazing for this person. Try it too.