Self harm thoughts postnatal

[changename24434]

I'm pretty sure this is the start of PND baby is a month old and I'm not sleeping, tormented by thoughts of self harm and suicide. I have been ok till now and it's fine in suddenly.
I would never actually kill myself but the thoughts about it keep coming and I can't sleep because I have all these thoughts as soon as I close my eyes.
I am shaking with adrenaline and boiling hot. My husband has taken the baby to try and let me rest but I can't.
I am scared to call the doctor in the morning in case they separate me from my baby. If they give me anti depressants does that mean I can't breast feed? I am still trying to breast feed with some formula feeds.
I just at the moment feel like making it to the morning is endless and I just want to give in and go and cut myself or something. Im managing not to but I am just so tired. I wish these thoughts would stop I can't get away from them.

I couldn't read and run. People are here to listen if you want to type/talk.
I speak from experience- healthcare will always do all they can to keep you and baby together. Depending on the antidepressant (if that is the right course of treatment for you, there's lots of options) you can still bf.
Please do call your doctor and keep speaking to those around you. This can get better x

Please speak to a professional. It's such a tough time and we all need help from time to time.

I do believe you would have to stop breast feeding for ad's but it's much more important that you are safe and happy and this transfers to a happy and safe baby.

I am going to call up somewhere in the morning

I feel so guilty if baby can't have breast milk because of me. I can't get away from these thoughts though I feel like such a shit mum

Oh sweetheart
Don't want to leave your post unheard
As a PP said please do seek some help.

It's good your dp has your baby right now. I don't know which meds are contra
Indicated but you may be okay.

Even so I want to tell you that You have done brilliantly to give your baby a great start By breastfeeding this far so that even if you did have to chose between a/d and B/f you have done an amazing thing. You can't pour from an empty cup my love and you have to put your mental health first
It is bloody hard having a new baby, and you have been doing it all day every day all this time in the face of adversity: look at how well you have done xxx
Pl

You 100% can breastfeed on most antidepressants OP so don’t worry about that. Are you up to googling whether there’s a specialist perinatal mental health team in your area? If so, going to your midwife or HV and asking for a referral will be the quickest way to get treatment. But I’d expect a GP to be happy to prescribe.

My dh is really lovely and supportive. We have a toddler too and I had PND then too but could take meds as wasn't BF. This feels worse. They are my whole world and I feel so awful for having such horrible thoughts when I am so lucky. I am so exhausted i cant see straight but can't sleep at all. Thank you for the kind words. I would really like to continue bf but am genuinely worried I will hurt myself if I don't get this sorted so I guess that has to be priority

The thing you have to remember is what a brilliant job you have done so far
Some mums don't breast feed at Al
Your baby has had the colostrum and all this milk so far
So even if there is no more breast
Milk (and another poster has said that you may be able to continue) you have done this alsready

One thing a hv said to me when I was worried I was being a bad mum "the really bad mums don't worry or feel
Guilty."

The fact that you care about these things shows that you are doing a
Great job even when you're struggling

You can 100% breastfeed on anti depressants so please don't worry about that.

They will not take your baby off you.

Please call the drs tomorrow and take all the help that can offer you xxx

I was poorly (with similar to how you are feeling) and they put me on medication that still allowed me to breastfeed, so it allowed me to get better and still breastfeed. My husband also gave baby bottle in formula, so in the end was mixed fed and it didn’t interfere with breastfeeding. The bottles of formula gave me a break when I needed it.

please don’t worry. People will want to help you and know that you are a lovely mum. The not being able to sleep really does make it worse. They really don’t like to separate mothers and babies. I ended up in a mother and baby unit for a couple of weeks and it got me back on track. Not saying you need this, but it’s what I needed and before I knew it I was on the mend and back home enjoying being a new mun.

there is lots of help out there, so make sure you are honest with how you are feeling.

sending you virtual hugs. This is really tough but it will get better and you will be able to relax and enjoy your baby.

it’s just a blip but with the right support you will be fine. You are definitely not a shit mum. I bet you are lovely xxx

The sleep is a real killer, it twists your mind. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Some ppl may disagree but breastfeeding isn't more important than you being a functioning human being. Do whatever you can to get some rest, if it means medication then do it, there is zero reason to feel guilty. Tell your doctor you can't sleep, tell your husband he will have to do some night shifts. Call in your village. Those early days are so, so hard, please be kind to yourself. You are giving over everything to another human and you only have so much. It will be ok, call your doctor in the morning. Try whatever you can to get some sleep. Keep us updated, lots of people here to talk to xx

I was on AD's towards end of my pregnancy and early years and I breastfed my DD for 5 1/2 months. She's now 10.

There are lots of antidepressants that can be taken whilst breastfeeding. And asking for help doesn't get your baby taken away. It gets you help. Call your GP. You deserve help, and your baby deserves a mum who is helped to get better.

I’m not an expert but I don’t think you’re depressed. It’s a perfectly natural response to a shit situation, there’s nothing disordered about it. You’re tired, overwhelmed, physically exhausted, still recovering from going through birth, so of course you feel like you’re on rock bottom. You need sleep and respite, you’re obviously not getting enough help.

Definitely talk to your doctor, it’s so brave for you to ask for help.

if it means anything at all, I couldn’t breast feed any of mine- my first ended up in hospital with dehydration as he wasn’t getting anything from me. He’s 19 now and it’s honestly the last thing I ever think about and he’s healthy as an ox.

Just awake and thinking about you OP. Hope you are doing ok.