Mid 30s realisation that I can't do this

[greenBees]

I'm mid 30s, mother to 3 DC. Diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago. Makes a lot of sense. Have always been impulsive, quite irresponsible, unable to stick at anything. Went on meds (elvanse, lisdexamfetamine) which help motivation and focus but certainly not a cure. I still find myself absolutely exhausted by 4pm every day and struggling to 'get through' till the kids are in bed.

I had my first DC quite young, I've been floating around doing odd jobs in between all DC. ADHD symptoms have made things hard for me and I do really struggle with day to day life, trying to keep on top of life/school admin, laundry, cooking, DIY tasks etc. I find school runs quite hard to deal with, I am constantly stressed, late, feeling and looking like shit. I find eye contact with the other parents hard and I know they think I'm a bit weird and cold. It's a twice daily reminder for me that I am not like the other mums and not likable. They all seem to get on well and make small talk etc.

I had my own one-woman business a few years back and did quite well but called it all off quite abruptly when the overwhelm of trying to run it as well as home life caused a break down.

Most recent work was as a domiciliary carer doing evenings and every other weekend, but I left after a few months because they were constantly asking me to cover shifts and the overwhelm once again got too much. One particular service user made work really tough too. I then tried to do a full time course studying from home but just could not keep up with the work demand whilst trying to be a mother and do the household tasks, I quit after 4 months of struggle. I then tried to sell graphic designs on Etsy, but the work involved again proved to be too much with constant distractions from the kids and home life demands. I seem to find it almost impossible to get ANYTHING study/work wise completed with ongoing constant distractions. The overstimulation and overwhelm I feel from the 3 kids (they range from age 3 to teen) can be quite distressing as it is and I have a constant list of half completed tasks at my back.

DH works 6/7 days a week in construction. He works his ass off but it's not enough to sustain a family of 5 anymore.

I've tried to make a decent CV and have applied for a few TA jobs (I don't want to be a TA, but working in a school is the only thing I can see working considering childcare issues in school holidays), but my flaky work history doesn't exactly go in my favour.

I feel full of shame about how fucking useless I am. I have to contribute financially but it seems I'm mentally crippled. If I manage to get work in a school,, I am wondering how I will cope with being a mum to 3 and the life/house chores when I can barely cope as it is. One of my DC has just been diagnosed with autism. I don't know how I'm going to help them into adult life when I can't help myself.

If there was a way for me to delete my existence without anyone else feeling any pain it would be the logical thing to do. I have come to the conclusion that I am largely a parasite who burdens their loved ones and isn't any good for anyone.

Unfortunately, they and me are fucked because if I leave they will be damaged, if I stay they will be damaged.

You need to reach out and get help OP. Are you actively suicidal right now? Whatever you are telling yourself, if you die your kids lives will be devastated. They will not understand your actions. There is no coming back from that. All the other thoughts of self hatred and wanted to delete your existence can be worked through with professional help. Please get some OP.

I'm not actively suicidal because I couldn't do it to my loved ones.

I am feeing absolute despair at the fact that I can't do what I should be doing for my family - providing additional income. I don't know what to do.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I also have 3 kids and have been through dark times trying to do it all and combining career and family.

It is very hard work so no wonder you're feeling the way you are.

I have a ton of questions for you, you don't need to answer them on here but I think they will give you clarity. Your mind seems to be tangled and I'm sending you such a massive hug. please be kind to yourself.

So here goes, ready?

Could it be normal to be exhausted by 4pm with all those worries swirling around, 3 young kids (including the mental load) and a household to run?

Have you got a cleaning, cooking, everything on schedule?

Could you schedule in a break for you so that you get some gas in the tank from time to time?

Are you planning your time properly, do you have buffers scheduled in for example?

Are you comparing yourself unfavourably to other parents? Why?

Could you find one or two friendly faces on the school run that you could make eye contact with and maybe even smile at them?

How do you know the other mums think you’’re weird and cold’?

Would it be a good thing to be like the other mums?

What is it that makes the 'all the other mums' different to you?

What makes you think you’re not likeable?

What was your business?

What went well there?

How can you protect yourself from breakdown that isn’t an all-in all-out reaction?

Can you find more of a balance? Are you often thinking in terms of of all or nothing?

Could you do a part time study course?

Could your kids help out?

Could your husband help out?

How is he feeling in all this?

How is your relationship?

What made having an Etsy shop so hard?

How can you reduce distractions?

How can you tackle your task list?

Can you rank your tasks and drop the unimportant ones? Delegate others?

Can you lower your standards in some ways?

Are you sure it’s your work history that stops you from getting a TA job?

Are there ways into that job?

Is your inner voice and the things you tell yourself about yourself mean and harsh?

How can you find self-compassion?

Can you be kinder to yourself?

Are you future tripping when you tell yourself you have no idea how you could cope with a job and 3 kids and household?

I could go on but that’s a start.

I’m sending you a massive hug. It is hard and listen, you are not damaging your kids. If anything you're damaging your self that is in there and needs a lot of love right now.

I believe in you. We all do.