Can't cope anymore

[purpleme12]

I just can't carry on anymore.
I hate being a mum.
I can't cope anymore.
I don't enjoy it.
And no it's not because she's little
She's challenging. I ALWAYS have to be there. It's ALWAYS down to me . To make her feel better. It's ALWAYS my job. She's too much for me
It's too much.
It doesn't matter how many times she says sorry it will always happen again
I just don't enjoy it anymore

Can you say more about the behaviours, her age?

You’re obviously having a hard time and don’t want anyone to palm it off as because of your child’s age etc, I totally get that. But by sharing more, the support you get might be better.

Sorry you are having a hard time. Is there nobody to help you close by?
Admitting you need help is a good first step so well done for reaching out.

9
She cannot calm herself down apparently. Very angry. ALWAYS my job. NEEDS me. Hard to swallow. When she's disrespected you and insulted you as she's 'angry' but the cuddles from you are the only thing to calm her down
No consequences don't work.

And I'm probably a shit mum. And probably someone else would do better.
I'm exhausted. And feel so shit.

And I felt so shit about myself today.

Sometimes I can't bring myself to cuddle her after she's been so horrible to me

It's so draining.
I know people probably think it's nothing

All the best and positivity, and I guess that's what being a parent is, in my perspective, yes it's tiring, hard going etc.

Do yours get angry all the time and have outbursts and can't control themselves at this age?

It’s not nothing. These feelings are big and real and so very, very hard. I totally empathise.

It’s not nothing. These feelings are big and real and so very, very hard. I totally empathise.

What have you tried? Camhs/ school/ courses/ early help? Are you the only adult at home? Sounds like you need some support. Is she violent or just unpleasant to you?

❤️

Even my friend's son who is autistic and whose child I've spent the most time with, is not as challenging as mine.

@purpleme12 my sons like this he's also 9 he's been like it from a very young age I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety when he was younger he's got no sense of danger, he doesn't understand why he's angry I feel like everything I do for him was never good enough I felt like I'm a rubbish mum loads of times School mentioned they think he shows traits of adhd and the odd trait of Asd is she the same at school too, has school mentioned how she is at school?

@purpleme12 I know have family that have autistic kids and they say my son is worse behaved then there's too all children are different, I've cried so many time feeling like my son hates me when all I try to do is make him happy

Please seek help there is so much support out there. Your local authority's early help service will be able to signpost you. This is a very brave first step you have taken realising that you need help and things need to change xxxxxx

Has your dd ever been assessed for ADHD?

It can present very differently in girls, but one of the main signs i see in myself is sudden outbursts of anger which come and go in a flash, and then all you can do is apologise knowing that it will happen again but you don't know why.

For me i have identified it's when i get overwhelmed. I can be fine, then i get too hot, or hungry, or too many noises and i snap. My dc are the same, so i have to continually ensure we keep everything to a strict routine, that they are prepared for exactly what will happen and that they don't get overwhelmed. I've learned through my own experience that if they lash out, or have a meltdown that often they need a cuddle before we can talk about what happened. Sometimes i really don't want to cuddle them, but i have to because punishing just escalates things. I'm teaching them self soothing techniques and breathing exercises so i can get them to calm down in the moment and talk about why they got overwhelmed.

Me and dh cop all of the bad behaviour because they don't feel safe to unmask at school or at other people's houses. So i definitely get where you're coming from. You're her safe space, so she feels safe to unleash all of that but that doesn't make it any easier for you of course.

Id have a read of adhd in girls, and autism in girls and see if any of it resonates with your daughter.

If she is ND, chances are you might be as well so could be why you're also struggling.

Im not trying to diagnose you both but it's worth looking into.

I would also say mine are perfectly behaved at school, as was i at their age because i was scared of getting in trouble.

Hello OP I'm sorry you feel like this, there are times I feel like this also.
Children are challenging and they push out boundaries, I will give you some kind advice (and hopefully take it onboard for myself too)
Don't give up
Calm voices
5 mins of play at a time
Wants carrying? Nope, kneel and cuddle instead
Wants this at this time? Nope set boundaries
Only give choices of two options.
Accept the apology but talk about why it's wrong even if you have to explain what could happen in the long run

Are you by any chance an unpredictable parent op? As in, sometimes get overly cross about minor things, sometimes let things slide, sometimes just in a bad mood for no apparent reason? This could be a reason for her anger and her contradictory need for comfort from you.
I only suggest this because I was like it. Anti depressants worked for me and led on to her behaviour improving as I became a more consistent and predictable parent.

In terms of practical things, reward charts worked better than punishments and having a bit of a routine/schedule for the day helped too. Also picking my battles so I wasn't on her for every little thing was a big help. Giving her some control over things like how much of her dinner she'd eat for example, made her less frustrated.

Sorry I don't have energy to reply yesterday
@BungleandGeorge she has had a couple of things through school although they've finished now.
I don't know if I can bring myself to do Early Help.
I have thought about ringing the doctors for CAMHS. To try and get help for her to calm herself down.
But never got that far.
Yes I'm the only adult.
Mostly unpleasantness but can be aggressive, throwing.

@Mummy2023 I'm so sorry it's so shit for you too 😟😞
Yes she doesn't understand why she's angry. To be honest I'm not sure that's one specific issue anyway.
She's ok at school. Which I can well believe.
She can be so lovely but it's these bits that make it so hard.

@Donotshushme it's her dad who has ADHD. I do not believe she's got autism. But yes I think about ADHD. But at the same time when I look at the questions I don't feel like I can say oh yes she gets distracted all the time. Sometimes. But sometimes I wonder if I just don't know it because she's all I have and I just don't see it because she's who she is?
I can't refer her through school if I can't fit the questions enough
I know emotional regulation is not one of the questions anymore even though people say it's still part of ADHD.

@unhappysparkle thank you appreciate it although think perhaps some of the advice is more for younger ones (and/or) feel like the issue isn't quite as straightforward as that advice.

@ReadtheReviews I don't think I'm like that?
I'm not a strict parent (because she would rebel too much it wouldn't work with her).

Look up your local camhs, you can often self refer. Obviously there’s a waiting list but they can signpost in the meantime. Many of them also have a lower level intervention which you may be able to access more easily. It may well turn out she’s ND but there are other reasons that could be why she’s like this. I’ve seen the book ‘the explosive child’ recommended a lot for strategies- things like rewards charts often aren’t great for ND children. And if you’re the only adult at home it is important that you have the opportunity to let off steam, otherwise you’ll both probably be feeding into each others irritability

I tried to do a reward chart for the tidying and we still do but i'm not sure it has the desire effect still.

I just don't know what the right thing to do is.
I have no one who knows her like i do who i can talk to. Her dad doesn't ever want to talk to me. i love her but i don't know what the right thing for her is at all. i'm jsut not veryb good

If her dad has adhd it's very likely that she's inherited it. Have you had a look at the signs of it in girls?

https://www.verywellmind.com/adhd-in-girls-symptoms-of-adhd-in-girls-20547

It's not just about being easily distracted, there's a lot of other signs as well which may or may not affect her to a degree.