Unable to survive much longer

[Aloneinthevillage]

Hi all,

I am currently experiencing a mental health crisis. I have had low mood etc in the past but no serious mental health issues. This sort of came out of months of stress. I was ok one minute then I felt a bit tired then i suddenly felt a burst of anger and i have declined from there.

I have two dc and dh. Other than that we are totally alone. We have family locally but they are selfish people who claim to be loving grandparents or aunts and uncles but do f all and never see us. They couldn't give a shit and sit back and watch us struggle because they cant be bothered to inconvenience themselves. They are busy having lie ins, shopping sprees, meals out and sitting in front of the TV.

Anyway DH knows im unwell as i told him. He has no choice but to turn a blind eye and hope I get better because we have no time to stop. I cant afford time off work, dc still need caring for, dh cant risk losing his job.

Neither of us have had a break in 10 years. We have not even had an afternoon off in 10 years. One dc has additional needs and so needs me every minute of my life when im not at work. My cup is empty.
DH asked if i can wait till next week for a break or some proper support as he needs to work, as do I, i need to organise all sorts for end of school and an upcoming holiday, the list goes on. I answered no. If i broke my leg would you ask me to wait a week for a pot? But i know hes trying his best and there is no more he can do realistically.

Im awful to the dc. I shout and snap for minor things. Dc1 told dh they are scared of me. I have always been mild and soft before. Im angry, really angry. I get so angry a few times a day over the slightest thing i could hurt myself or someone else but i dont. I dont need an afternoon off. A night in bed will not solve this. Instead i just sit and fume.
I am on anti depressants from ages ago due to low mood.

I cant explain why or what il do because i dont know but I can feel it in my head that if i have to sweep this away and try to carry on as normal il eventually snap and never return. I feel inches away from my brain just snapping until im no longer able to think straight or be myself. Its a bizzare feeling.

If i tell a professional il loose my job, it will leave dh completley alone to cope with everything and it will cause a can of worms for dc, i carry a guilt about that which adds to all my problems.

Dh has gone to work so im alone and i need to carry on being a mum, getting stuff ready for the week and work but im about to mentally break.

I dont know what to do.

You need to see the gp first thing tomorrow. You aren't going to lise your job because you are ill, so put that thought out of your head.

Just concentrate on getting through the rest of today, Dr tomorrow and worry about everything else after that

You can do this....

Thank you for replying its comforting.
Im scared to leave everything to dh its not fair on him or dc

Hi, you sound like you desperately need a little bit of time, a reset.

Does your job come with sick pay? Can you speak to your GP and be signed off for a few weeks? If you don't feel safely able to do your job taking some time off sick actually protects your job as you are away and recovering.

Does your child with additional needs receive DLA? Can you contact social services and ask for a carer's assessment (or child in need assessment) and ask about respite help or direct payments to source extra help for example help in the school holiday.

Would you want to look at the finances of stopping work if your child with additional needs makes it difficult to work? You could look at the "entitled to" website. If your child receives DLA I believe you get an enhanced rate of universal credit.

What is the holiday you are planning for? Although it can be difficult getting ready for a holiday will you be likely to enjoy it/refresh mentally on holiday?

Can you take some time off work? Something needs to give and you can’t really take a break from being a mum, you can take a break from work. Your GP will be able to sign you off temporarily. That will at least give you some headspace so that you can have some time whilst the DC are at school to sort through things both in your head and your life. I would also ask the GP to review your medication, it may be your dose needs adjusting.

Speak to a GP and get signed off with stress to give your a bit of thinking space. Get on the waiting list for counseling. Ask about respite care for your child. Work or what else is causing stress and look at what you can do to reduce the stress you feel or increase your ability to cope.

It's far better for your DH and DC to have you take a short needed break now than for it to all blow up permanently.

Also mentally cut down your to do list. Cut it right back. If get ready for end of school means teacher cards and presents forget them. Just say how much you have appreciated their support at pick up. When my little boy was leaving nursery and starting special school I had no reserves to thank nursery (who had been brilliant) and so he left started school in the September and I remember it was Easter that I sent a card saying how much they had helped because I sent chocolate bunnies. Those who matter won't mind and those that mind don't matter.

If you haven't got the energy to get ready for your hol scribble a list of what to pack as things occur to you then you and your husband together can chuck everything in at the last minute.

Do everything you can to be kind to yourself and give yourself a little break. You might find it easier to go out with the kids for a walk/park/forest and ignore any housework than to stay in and try to entertain them.

Thank you all. Unfortunately im locum so if im not in work i dont get paid and although i earn well we recently had to use all our savings due to unforseen house, car and dc issues. Im actually the higher earner in my relationship but i work less hours so take on more dc work. When at work my job is extremely stressful. My dh does his fair share with dc and home.
Im not sure dc would get a social worker. I asked before and they said im not entitled to any assessment for me or dc.
I hope the holiday will allow some rest and reset but its just us 4 self catering so will be some work still.

Hi,
Have a look at :
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/care-act-2014-part-1-factsheets/care-act-factsheets
You do have a right to a carers assessment. This is supposed to be based on what a child/family/carer needs so if everyone was coping you might not have been found to have a need but if you are telling them you are becoming ill/overwhelmed/facing crisis then they should of course be trying to support you. Demand an assessment and don't let them put you off. Be honest about how you are feeling and the lack of wider support.

Could you have a look at the "entitled to" website to see if you could work less or stop work for a bit?

Could you take a mortgage break or go interest only just for a little while to give you a breather and rebuild savings (I'm guessing you have a mortgage as you spent on house issues but if not then please disregard this). Your health is a priority so don't hesitate to take drastic measures if they protect your health.

Hi op how are you coping today? I could have written this post myself our lives sound so similar. I just want to go away for a while and get my head together and I’m starting to resent DH for not giving me the break I need although I know it’s not fair to him.
Hoping today is more gentle for you. My inbox is open if you want to chat

@Cindertoffe thanks for your reply and checking in. It really does mean a lot. Im ok today. I have had a pretty hard week mentally and i took lots out on dh which i feel terrible about. Im just putting one foot in front of the other at the moment.
I reached out for MH support but was told i can't be prescribed anything untill i have a proper assessment but i have been unable to get an appointment. I have started taking st johns wort and it seems to take the edge off.

Im so sorry you also feel this way and are unable to get a break. Its such an unfair situation. I think its actually quite rare for parents to literally have no one so others do find it hard to understand. Im sending you strengh and positive thoughts into the universe.

Contact your local council and ask for a parent career assessment and a section 17 assessment for your send child. Tell them your family will break down unless you get a break/respite. They should help, but in all his honesty sometimes they are useless.

Sounds really hard OP, how old are your children?
You are absolutely entitled to a carer's assessment and 2nd the advice above, keep shouting til you're heard. Also try Carers UK.

When you say you can't afford to take time off, are there things you can cut back on so that you can take a couple of weeks off, or at least day here or there regularly for a while? It's hard without knowing your financial situation but sometimes it's not quite as bad as it seems. Its amazing what you can do without if you have to.

What would you do if you did break your leg, or couldn't work after surgery or something? You would cope somehow. Sometimes banks can be helpful in temporarily freezing interest on overdrafts etc or even a mortgage holiday, as they recognise these blips as short term.

If you're already on anti-depressants I'm surprised they can't let you up your dose over the phone. I'm sure if they knew quite how bad you're feeling you might even get to speak/see a duty doctor?