I have always felt anxiety and been described as "quiet and shy" by almost everyone. I had a few events in childhood which also made me quite socially anxious but nothing major. My Dad was the type of parent who would get angry if we made a mistake and wasn't the nicest to be around but ultimately I have thought it was just my personality to be naturally anxious. I was always told I would grow out of it.
I am 29 and married with one child and a few close friends and have managed to muddle through. I have always felt like my nervous system was in overdrive but it was manageable. Things like knocks at doors, and I have always felt like people thought I was socially anxious and "weird". I haven't really had normal conversations since I was in my early 20's unless it was with DH or close friends/family.
Recently it has worsened quite a bit. I've gone back to work/ started a new job after a few years as a SAHM and it has all spiralled. I get the butterfly feeling most days over basic interactions and problems. I'm having difficulty communicating with my colleagues in my new job and I feel like they don't like me at all. They do try but I find it difficult to muster up more than basic responses to things they asking me. Last week I passed my two months probation but I still feel like I am underperforming. My line manager told me that he wants me to feel part of the team and feels like I should be involved more. And a colleague described me as "naturally very quiet" which has made me feel very self conscious. I really need this job as our mortgage has doubled and general COL issues which has made my anxiety worse. I also have quite a bit of responsibility at work (accounting), and I find myself second guessing myself on basic things.
I just feel bad at everything and like there is something wrong with me. I don't really want to go to the doctors because I wouldn't know what to say. It's hard to describe what I'm feeling. I just don't feel like I fit in and like something very bad will happen at any moment. I also feel guilty about not being fun and interesting for the people around me.