That's tame really. I mean, I really dislike myself. In every way. People would never know as outwardly, I am the happiest person you would ever meet with a constant smile.
I'm late thirties now and nothing to show for it. I feel I am extremely odd and ugly on the outside but also not good enough on the inside.
I won't describe my looks as too outing if I go into detail. Needless to say, I could make a long list of things that I hate about how I look. I have no recent photos of myself and when one is taken that I am unaware of, I feel deep shame as I look so very ugly. I'm sure people feel sorry for me because of my looks but also because of other things. The fact that I am so quiet and socially awkward. People comment regularly that I have a strange accent which should not be the case as I am UK based and born and never moved away. They often end up imitating my voice or certain words which makes me feel really embarrassed. As well as that, I can never think of interesting things to say to anyone and although I am well liked at work, I can't think why because my scintillating conversation is definitely not it. I often worry that as well as two chronic health conditions, that I also have autism but then other things dont fit and I think even if I did pursue a diagnosis, would it really help as I feel it would only make me feel worse. I've been through a lot of medical stuff over the past few years with treatments still ongoing as they tend to be for chronic illnesses so this just feels like something else to worry about.
I have no friends as lost touch with previous ones, single and no close extended family. I feel my family just see me as someone who is lacking. Especially my mother who I feel makes a lot of digs about not reaching my full potential etc. I do feel she has put me down throughout my life, perhaps not even realising what she is doing as I feel she is so unhappy with herself but I am tired of being the glue in the family. Supporting everyone else while being overlooked as well as treated as the scapegoat in the family. I feel I am only loved for what I do for them, not who I am. I feel embarrassed that they have me as a daughter, but I didn't ask to be brought into this world. As for work, I am temping at the moment but the shifts and work are physically exhausting and I hate it. Another thing I feel shame about is that I have a degree but its in a bit of a pointless subject so I feel it's been a waste of time but again, I know that's something that's held against me. Sometimes I feel I spend so much time feeling deep shame and people pleasing. Almost like I am embarrassed to be here and exist. Right now, I feel numb. I used to write in journals for hours, now nothing.
I'm tired of calling myself ugly and feeling disgust at my face and my life. This is too long and I wouldn't blame anyone for passing by. Just wanted to offload and drop my guard for once.