Husband has withdrawn from life, I can't take it any more

[Seashell8]

I feel terrible even saying this but I can't cope with our situation anymore , I want to separate.
Husband has had severe depression for 2 years, became psychotic and also manic. Wasn't hospitalised. He has had a lot of help, medication and a lot of involvement from mental health services, they have been absolutely amazing. They come to see him/us every week. But nothing is working.
He's tried a few medications but they can't seem to drag him out of his depression. He also takes an anti psychotic which he says is working but it isn't because he's still hearing voices.

2 years in he's telling me that he's fine and although he has withdrawn from everybody in his life , he doesn't go in to work ( can work from home for the time being ) and doesn't do anything with me and the kids. He has spent 2 years sitting on the sofa watching TV, he thinks this is absolutely fine and I will just do everything

I know this is an illness and please understand that I have tried so hard to support him through all this and it isn't his fault, but I just can't carry on. There is no end to it, he could be like this now forever. I've got nothing left in me to give. I am so so unhappy living in this way where he is just so detached from me and the children. I've tried and tried and he's now telling me I need to accept that he isn't going to change and he's basically never going out or seeing people ever again. We have been having marriage problems for about 8 years that preceeded and probably caused this depression

I'm currently just about to go into a solicitors meeting to get some advice regarding divorce. The guilt I am feeling is immense but I can't face another 40 years of this and its not fair to the children.
Please someone tell me that I am not being an absolute bitch here and abandoning him at his hour of need. I'm so conflicted

You've nothing to feel guilty about. Eight years of marriage problems suggests there are fundamental issues that are never going to be resolved.

He's told you he's not going to change. Believe him. He is responsible for himself, you are responsible for your own happiness.

I agree. It is great that you have been supporting your partner during his difficult time, but there is only so much you can do for him. It is important to think about what is best for you and your children.

He's told you already he's never going to change.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. I would divorce in a heartbeat if it meant a even a slightest chance of finding happiness without them.

The thing is it's is illness talking tho, that's not really him. He doesn't want to lose his family I'm sure of it and I'm sure he doesn't actually want to push everyone away. But it's so hard to live with I just can't do it anymore. He is harder to deal with than both my kids put together

I suffer with anxiety and depression. I say you are absolutely NOT being an absolute bitch.
You can’t fix him. He isn’t doing what it takes to get well. You can only protect yourself and your children from the effects of his illness. I’m so sorry OP.

Don’t feel guilty, you need to look after yourself and your kids. If he doesn’t engage with you or the children then you have every right to leave. You aren’t his carer.

I have suffered from intense periods of depression and fear it might happen again in the future when we have DC.

I am well now and have told my DH if I get really unwell again in the future, he must do everything he can to protect any future DC even if that means leaving me. I have other people who can look after me, whether other family or the mental health services, his priority must be the children.

Would a ‘well’ DH want similar for your children?

I don’t think you are being a bitch at all and it sounds like you have been being completely selfless for years.

You were having problems for 8 years before his illness, so it sounds like like you would have split anyway if he hadn't got ill.

Worth remembering. You and your children have one life. You should go out and enjoy it.

My first husband was alcoholic and I wasted several years trying to fix him and feeling guilty because he had an “illness”.

Leaving him was the best thing I ever did.

It’s hard with kids, but your kids WILL be suffering right now. You have to do this, and you’ll do it compassionately.

Unfortunately it IS really him. This is who he is now. He isn’t going to do anything to make himself better because he doesn’t think he needs to.