Chronic anxiety and depression - what are my options?

[silkysmoothparanoia]

I've suffered from anxiety and depression from the age of 12. I was bullied in highschool which was traumatising and never had many friends. Now I'm 20 and not much has changed. During this time I have had many different therapists, a mixture of private and NHS, CBT, ACT, counselling etc.

At 17 I was diagnosed with an eating disorder from which I have mostly recovered. At that time I tried 3 different SSRIs but had to stop due to side effects. They gave me nausea and terrifying vivid nightmares.

Things never completely got better and in the past year my symptoms have worsened as a result of starting university and my long term relationship going long distance. I am constantly in fight or flight and cannot switch my brain off. If usually takes me 2 hours to fall asleep. Social situations and making decisions makes me feel physically ill. I've been so tearful and it feels like my heart is breaking for no reason.

My boyfriend was getting worried about me so I've reached out to the GP but it's been a long wait. I'm not sure I'd want medication anyway after my previous experience. I also self referred to IAPT service but all I was offered is this online CBT platform called silver cloud. It seems to be quite surface level and I feel like I would need something more long term where I have an actual human to talk to.

I'm starting to lose hope, as I'm going from disappointment to disappointment. I feel like going for private treatment may be my only option but I can't really afford it unless I tap into my savings. I've no idea what to do, I just want to get better so I can live a normal life.

Sorry for the wall of text. I appreciate any advice, thank you

What happened when you were 12? Dealing with the root cause is always the most effective way - even if your circumstances have changed since then there's part of your subconscious mind that's 'stuck'.

It's hard to pin down a specific event but I found the transition from primary to secondary overwhelming. Also, at the time I started questioning my sexuality which was difficult as I was raised Catholic. I just generally have always felt like an outcast and like there's something 'wrong' with me

@Eyesopenwideawake sorry I meant to reply to your post. I'm still figuring out mumsnet

Your university may offer a counselling service for students and also do a search to see if any local charities off low cost subsidized counselling as sometimes these have less waiting time & more flexible on number of sessions than NHS offer.

It maybe worth looking into ASD/ADHD to see if fit neurodiverse traits, I only suggest as I was long term anxious/depressed and while some anti depressants and MH services helped a bit, I was treated as a bit of a failure for not managing to get better. It was something the GPs had never screened for but it was suggested I get assessed by a specialist I saw privately, it made a lot of sense when I read up & I looked back on my life since being formally diagnosed. As your younger I'd hope it would be more likely to be picked up during education but it doesn't always happen. Eating disorders & anorexia are also more common in ND community.

@123Squirrel thank you for your reply!

My uni does have a counselling service but I think it's not available over the summer. But I'll get in touch with them once I'm back in September.

I have been thinking that my mental health issues could be the result of being neurodivergent. My mum and one of my previous therapists suspected ASD a while back. I have done some of my own research and it could explain some of my experience but I'm not really sure. I feel like I've grown out of some of the traits I had when I was younger, especially sensory issues. So I'm not sure if it's worth pursuing further. I scored below the threshold on the AQ50 so I'm not sure I could bring it up with a GP.