Teenage son has self harmed/ constant lies.

[sezy2016]

Hello I'm a mum of 2 aged 5 and 13.
My eldest son lived with dad from age 3 to 10. I regained and won custody when he was 10 and he's nearly 14 living with me. ( dad wasn't providing a safe or stable environment)

So yeah he's been living with me and all has been well, but he has always had an issue with lying...( dad also tells bizarre and untrue lies which I feel is a mental health concern and worried my son has the same condition.)

Home life to me seems fine, he regularly talks to me and we have a laugh and joke. He's been a great kid tbh, at home he doesn't kick off or go missing or do anything thats to naughty. He tries to push boundaries from time to time but everything seems fine on the surface.

I've been aware about the lying for some time, he would lie about little daft things or lie about why he had a detention at school. And part of me thought oh this is just him being a teenager trying to cover his tracks.
Until recently I checked his phone, and seen he was speaking to his friends making out he was suicidal. ( he has a mixture of friends and has recently got into skating and wearing baggy clothes and has a few friends who are also suicidal) but during reading these messages I seen the lies he was telling people.
He lied and said I had locked him in the house and he was gonna run away. But the truth was he lied to me he was ill for 3 days ( at the time I diddnt know he was lying) and so I said because you've been off again because your poorly then you have to stay in and won't have any devices. Because he was claiming he had a really bad headache.
Other lies he told which really concerned me was he was talking about suicide to these other friends of his who are suffering with suicidal thoughts, he lied and made out he was trying to overdose on energy drinks and showed a picture of all the cans he had apparently taken ( this was just rubbish he'd built up in his room) he went on to say he was shaking and his vision was blurry. But it was all a lie. Showing pills he was taking for his headache but making it seem he was trying to overdose on tablets.
In my opinion I feel hes doing this for attention from his friends to fit in and so he can say he is going through the same things as them but it worries me that this isn't normal teenager behaviour.
His dad lies and tells extreme lies I worry he has the same thing. While living with dad son was often told to lie to social services and school and even to me. So he's learned this while living there. But they seem really extreme lies.
He has made a few lies to his friends about me which could get me in serious trouble but there not true at all. And no matter how much I sit down and try and explain why its wrong to lie and the damage it can cause to others he still does it.

I was going to call the doctors regarding the lies but part of me felt they would laugh at me and not take it seriously. He acts so normal at home so you'd never know he does these types of things.
Then on Friday I get a call from school telling me a student had reported my son for self harming.
The night before was a normal night. Everything seemed as it usually is, he had a shower and went to bed before that sat at the table ate with me and his brother chatted laughed everything seemed fine. But school said he had done it that night with the blade from a sharpener.
So he basically cut his arm. Not deep but quite a few scratches. When I asked my son why he did this he said its cos he felt like a bad son to his dad because he doesn't call or message dad very much. But when he came downstairs that night he seemed completely fine. So I was so baffled. School were already aware of suicidal thoughts and now this has happened I've been advised to phone the gp. Do I mention the lies too? I do feel he is doing this for attention. But if I say this then it makes out I'm not taking it seriously but he has lied about being suicidal and has lied to his friends making out he's doing things he isn't. I'm so confused and don't understand why he would even do that. I don't belive he did it because of his dad, as like I said that night he seemed his normal self. Then with the sharpener I asked where he got it from and what did he do.
He said he used a screwdriver to take it apart and then afterwards he threw it all away. I checked his room there was 1 sharper on his desk. Fully in tact. I seen no screwdriver and no evidence of this other sharpener so I feel he's lied about how he's done it too. I'm worried there's an underlying condition here with the lies and now doing this to himself. I'm scared I'm going to somehow be blamed for him behaving like this I just have so many thoughts running through my mind. Obviously I'll be calling the doctors in the morning dad thinks it's because he's started dressing differently and wants to do what all the other kids who dress like that do, he's trying to fit in. He told me to take away his skateboard and all his new emo mosher clothes but that's taking away his identity so I won't do that..when my son made all these changes I supported him and when he told me he was bisexual I support him I feel we have an open relationship and are close and can talk and have heart to hearts but then seeing the stuff on his phone just shocked me so much. He was sending rude pics of himself to a boy. The boy was saying very extreme suicidal things to My son. He was watching weird anime porn stuff. Not sure how as I have parental lock on my Internet. It's just all so confusing. I just wanted to get it all off my chest. I don't know why he's doing these things. Once I seen what I saw everything has been confiscated as he can't be trusted to have a phone as he's putting himself and others at risk. Do i mention all this to Dr? What if they try and take him away or remove my children? My mind is going into overdrive..Obviously I will be getting him the support he needs I'm just scared and unsure as to why he's behaving like this 😔 💔 he's only 13

Theres a lot to digest here but overall you have a 13 year old who is crying out for help. You keep saying he’s lying and seeming to want attention from his friends and that he’s been taught to lie from his dad. He must of had a pretty confusing younger childhood having social services involved and being asked to lie and essentially cover for his dad. This is not something a lot of children go through so that will cause some upsetting feelings for him.

He’s found a group of friends who he feels he can relate to. You say he’s lying about everything bur my main concern is he might actually be feeling this way. Children, especially boys can mask their feelings and portray a positive, happy outlook to others but inside be struggling.

You say you found concerning anime porn on his phone and pictures he’s sent to another boy. He may well be struggling with his feelings for others and trying to figure out what it all means.

He may also have more than one sharpener in his room. It’s likely he would have hidden the blade so you don’t find it and he can access it again.

Overall he needs help, he might be lying or exaggerating but he’s doing it for a reason and I’m not certain it’s all just for attention. I’m sorry to say but sounds like he’s had a slightly tougher childhood than most. Please contact the doctors and explain everything. I would say he’s been lying but I wouldn’t go down the route of claiming everything is a lie as it might not be- you said he was storing energy drinks as rubbish but maybe he thought drinking so many in a short time was dangerous.

I know you’re worried about social services getting involved but it might be for the best if you’re open and honest with them and get him some help. As you say this is a lot for a 13 year old. They will want to keep him in a stable home and help him and the fact you’re trying to get him the support will show social services that you’re not just ignoring it.

Speak to his school, arrange a meeting and ask for more information about what the school know, this will give you a fuller picture. As the school are aware of Suicidal thoughts and self harming then I believe as their duty of safe guarding then they may have already passed their concerns onto social work.

I really wish you the best for you and your son. It must have been hard to read everything and to see him going through this.

Thank you for your reply I realise its a long one, yes his time with dad was very unstable. His dad was a perpetrator of domestic abuse towards myself which he was to young to remember but this continued with dad's new relationships and there were many during him living there, social were involved on and off during his 7 years of living there. Then he also sold drugs something I flagged many times and was ignored. Son was left alone in the home while dad went and met customers. He missed a ton of school and had around 62 percent attendance. Then the lies and always stopping our contact.

Since son has lived with me he settled I'm fine, our family life to me seems great if anything he is a spoilt child to some that's what they say I spoil him, because he has gadgets and phones ect. I take them out regularly when I can afford it to nice places and out for meals and I'm just trying to give them what I never had growing up as I was a looked after child. His behaviour at home is fine, he's a bit untidy and lazy at times but to me he comes across as fine because he's acting his normal self. He isn't in his room all the time, he goes and plays out we sit and have regular talks and chats, he plays with his brother. Goes to the skatepark which he really enjoys.
School he hasn't been so great in he's constantly getting detentions for silly behaviour, isn't organised properly no matter how much I try and remind him about things. Never does homework something else I keep trying to push. The reason I've mentioned his dad is because he tells extreme lies, he was bit by a dog and told his son he was stabbed. That's just one of many over the top lies.
The lies my son was telling to his friends really concerned me, the energy drinks which I don't allow all of the time, we're what he'd built up over weeks and weeks so he was having a couple a week, but to this person online who was a stranger he had made out he had drank them all in one go and he was saying how he was dizzy and shaking and his vision was blurry but this was all a lie and to me that's a very serious and extreme lie to tell. Why would he say those things if its not true? He has a mixture of friends.
He lied and said he was autistic.
He then made lies about me, saying I was locking him in. He went on to say on one night I was out drinking and he had to come looking for me which was an utter lie. Another one was he'd said I was asleep and someone was nocking on my door, oh it's my mums drunk friend this was another lie I don't even have any friends, I keep myself to myself it's just me and the kids. And there's been other lies these are just the ones I can remember. He's always finding ways to get off school always complaining of being ill every few weeks. Today he's randomly been sick so ill be staying of work to stay with him. I'm saying it's because attention seeking as that's what it looks like. He twists the truth and over exajurstes, but he has no clear reason to do this. He isn't getting bullied I've asked these questions, he has friends and goes out. He's still happy and bubbly at home I'm just baffled I really am. I'll be calling doctors soon. X

As for the school they were made aware of the dark messages someone was sending him regarding suicide, and also what my son was saying implying he was suicidal and attempting to do things with the energy drinks and tablets that he really was not doing. School brushed it off, I said he needs to be speaking to someone regularly at school, but it didn't seem to me they were taking it seriously enough. Then now because he's cut himself luckily not deep but he's still done it now they've advised that I contact the gp and they will Contact the school nurse. But he said to me we've spoken to son and he says he feels fine he won't do it again but my son always says he seems fine. Even the night he did it he seemed absolutely fine after he'd apparently done it that night he came back downstairs was talking, his deemener was the same as it always it you'd not think that 5 mins before he was upstairs cutting himself. I've called doctors someone is going to contact me at dinner time. My son isn't Happy about me calling doctors says he's fine and doesn't need to speak to anyone but it's out of my hands. If he's doing and saying these things then he clearly needs help to understand its not normal or healthy to deal with his emotions and feelings In this type of way. I wish I'd spoken to the doctor a few weeks ago regarding lying as I was concerned about that but I left it thinking maybe I'm being over the top. All I know is it's not normal to be telling lies to that extent, it's not something a stable minded person would do. Obviously it's normal for teenagers to lie it's part of growing up, but when your lying about overdosing, and going as far to say he's loosing his vision, he's shaking his hearts racing making his energy drink sound believable to another vulnerable person who clearly is suicidal and is having very extreme dark thoughts he could've potentially made this other young person commit suicide as he was making out he's going through the same things and doing the same things but he actually wasn't and that really worries me. After seeing what I seen on his phone he lost his phone permanently. Before that I had to confiscate his playstation and vr headset because of his behaviour at school. But I do let him play on the xbox in the living room so I can see what he's doing. I just can't understand it I really can't. I've had to stay off work today as he's been sick. Part of me feels he has done that on purpose to get another day off. He could've used his fingers these are the thoughts I'm thinking. Because as I said every single week he has something wrong with him when it comes to school. Now he's back In his room asleep.
What do I even say to the doctors? Do I mention the lies also? And his habit of twisting the truth?

He’s old enough to realise that telling lies will get him and others into trouble. Sit down and chat with him, tell him you’ve seen what he’s said and ask why he’s saying it. If he’s doing the normal teenage thing of fobbing it off then point out the seriousness of the lies and what some of the consequences could be- point out that him and his sibling could end up in care.

Ask him gently about the self harming, say you’re going to help him and no matter what you’ll be there for him. Be honest and tell him you don’t understand but you’d like to. From experience of this, you need to go in gently and be honest about getting him some help.
When he and you are ready, ask about his suicidal thoughts, ask if this is something he thinks about a lot and go from there.

Yes his lying is bad but overall he’s self harming and might really be having suicidal thoughts so it’s good you’re going to the doctor and maybe a therapist would be useful for him too.

OP I very much understand why you are focusing on the “lies” but honestly, I’d be a little worried that there could be more to this for your son.

You are acknowledging how difficult a childhood he had, that’s a lot of change to have lived through, and while it’s brilliant that his more recent home life (with you) has been stable, he may still be carrying a lot of confusion, hurt and distress.

It must be so scary for you, and frustrating as a mom, to recognize that there is a big gap between how happy your son appears to be in your home, and what he is sharing with his friends.

It seems that he’s recently found a group of peers who may also feel like they’ve had difficult experiences in life. Whether you feel he is copying them, or could indeed be vulnerable in his own right, accessing support would be wise - as either way, your son is a vulnerable kid, supporting and interacting with other vulnerable kids and it seems some of them are worried enough about him that they are flagging to adults that he needs help.

Im not sure if we are allowed to post links:
https://www.cetc.org.au/lying-as-a-trauma-based-behaviour/
but lying isn’t always a purposefully mean behavior in kids. Sometimes it can be a flag that something is wrong.

Honestly I have sat down with him a few times about the lies and how serious lies can affect our lives, I suppose I'm seeing his dad has done it for so long that I'm thinking maybe my son has got the same disorder, I don't think he does it on purpose there will be a reason he's doing it. Hearing the lies about me made me really sad as like you mentioned the kids could be removed because of such serious lies and that terrifies me. But I do sit down with him and speak to him and he always seeks very comfortable and open with me when we talk. When he first said he felt suicidal he said it was because he'd lost his grandad. But he only ever mentioned he felt this way when he was getting told off. Obviously if he's naughty at school I punish him in the sense I take away his gadgets and ground him. And the last time I did that he told his friends I was locking him in and not letting him out. There's always a key in the door. He never runs away or stays out late these were just lies he was telling to his friends. His friends are mixed some are how you've explained and some are more chav like if that makes sense. But I do sit down with him and have many chats, I always show empathy and he knows he can talk to me about anything. My job is to guide him through life until he's an adult. So after the self harm I sat him down and tried to explain that it's normal to have days where things feel really bad, but that hurting yourself is not the way to deal with those things. I said you could've came down and spoke to me and he knows deep down I'd support him and make him feel better. I said he could've called his dad and spoke to him and that hurting yourself is never the answer there are other ways to manage your feelings and speaking to someone and getting it off your chest can really make a difference. I got him one on one sessions at school. I do feel confident I am doing what's best for him. He used to have overnight contact at his dad's house until recently I stopped it as dad had kicked son in his leg and bruised it. Son keeps asking to go back there and I've said no. This was ordered by court his contact but I said no sorry given everything that's happened the last year him going to his dad's doesn't help. He acts different around him like he can't be himself. And dad has clear anger issues that he clearly needs to work on. So for the last few months dad comes down here and they go around town together get food he buys him clothes and that's been fine. But I agree he didn't have the best start to life. I tried to hard to fight for him for years for this exact reason.as I kept repeating myself that if my son continues to witness, the domestic abuse. The lying the breakdown or relationships with 4 women over 5 years. The drug dealing police raiding the house then this will have a serious impact on him and yet they chose to ignore all those issues and left him there, but luckily he returned when he was 10. I know its a lot isn't it, I never wanted him to experience half the stuff he has.
Another thing was he accused his Cousin on dad's side of raping him. This was something else he had told a friend who then told me. I got police involved straight away, who did nothing and put it down to boys being boys as my son changed what he originally said. He said they had showed each other their privates and that he thought that was rape. But he's not daft he knows what the term means. I believed him at first. But then with all the lies I've heard and seen it makes me question did he lie about something so serious. 🤔 and like I said if you new him you'd never even know he was saying any of these things or doing the things he's doing. I've tried to help and teach him right from wrong I'm definitely not perfect but I'm trying my best and like to think I give both my children the love and support they need. It's a happy home where we've had lots of lovely memories these last 3 years. So it really does make me wonder what has caused all of this. What could I have done better?

You are doing everything you can for him and that’s great. You’ve provided a safe and happy home and it’s clear you have lots of great chats. Sadly he’s been through a lot and even though he had a safe space now, he’s still experienced and witnessed things that are hard for a child to process.

I think you need to separate him from his dad, you had a horrible experience with his dad but he is a separate person.

It’s great you’re in contact with the school and talk to him individually about self harming but I believe he may now need therapy. Please speak to a doctor and see what else’s they can suggest. Speak to social services and update them on what’s going on. This feels like your child calling out for help but not fully understanding how to do it. Yes he’s telling lies and exaggerating but he’s seeking attention from the wrong people.

I've tried to talk to him again this morning about it all and he says he's fine, he isn't getting bullied and no issues from school. We spoke about the lies again too as both these things are a concern to me, he's aware he does it and says he can't stop. He doesn't know why he does it. So I have just advised him to mention everything to the person who will be speaking to him, get everything off your chest so that they can give you the best help. I told him it's not your fault, he's done nothing wrong like I'd like to say I'm wording things in a sensitive way when we're having our chats.

As for the dad thing yes we did have a bad past me and him but that's not why I'm bringing him up, I do feel he has a condition that makes him lie, and my son has shown the same traits so my worry was that maybe my son had either learned this behaviour or he has inherited it and has a disorder that makes him lie and create these fabricated stories. But which ever one it is the main thing is that he needs speaking to someone about it all. About his thoughts and feelings and how to control his impulses. If that makes any sense. X

I have just spoken with the doctor,.I tried to get as much across regarding his obsession with suicide via his messages with friends. The lies he made about overdosing which she agreed was Concerning as he was speaking to another vulnerable person who was also very suicidal by the way he was speaking. I explained how I thought he was having one on one sessions at school which I pushed for yet my son told me today he's hardly been spoken to. School hasn't been that helpful tbh
I've mentioned he self harmed on Friday and I feel he needs to speak to someone to get to the bottom of everything and clearly there's an issue here. So I have to wait for another appointment to see him sometime this week and then she mentioned being referred to CAHMS I think that's what it's called. Son doesn't seem happy I've mentioned this. He also says he suffers with anxiety so I've just said that's fine just explain everything to them the best you can and not to feel ashamed or embaressed as its their jib to help him x

Sorry I need to rant and rave! I am so angry right now at my son. He was sent home today as school thought he was sick. He looked really poorly they tell me so I pay for a taxi to get him home as I had my other sons age 5 first sports day. Had to call in work and loose yet another day's wage. Cried on the phone to them explaining what's happened with son and that I can't leave him at home usually this is what I'd do when at work as I thought he was responsible and mature enough but since the suicide stuff came to light I've put a stop to it. I had a feeling it was all a show though. He comes home, isn't sweating no temprerure putting on a sick voice. Honestly he's so perfect at acting it's actually believable to an extent. I realise his laptop is in his bedroom he's not allowed it let alone in his room so I.do some investigating.

Turns out on Mon night he was awake all night didn't go to sleep at all. Was vaping in his room. Messaging his friends from laptop all night.
Then last night I checked on him ag 1130 again his acting skills were on point. Turns out he was awake till 630 this morning and I had woken him up for school at 715 so he'd barley slept. I am so angry he made me take time off work again and this isn't the first time. He's done this multiple times with school and I've recently had a fine due to his time off. Its just constant lies all the time. I don't belive anything he says. Everything he has said and is saying to his friends for attention is all lies and its all for attention. I can't understand what is going on in his head to make him lie to my face like this I am so upset and disappointed. Everything he is doing is all to gain attention from his friends and other people he knows. He isn't suffering like he's making out to them I see it myself I see how he acts and how he manipulates me. I'm taking him doctors tommorow at 330 hopefully they can get to the bottom of all this. I'm just so annoyed right now