How to move on?
I've (28) been with my partner(29) for 8 years, know him 14. We have 2 children 7 & 4 yo. Our relationship is good, have nice house etc.
9 months ago he comes home from work with lipstick on his mouth (works as a doorman) - denied until he was blue in the face that anything happened, claimed he must have drank from a dirty glass and lipstick transferred to his beard. I'm not stupid, he's obviously lying so I tell him I'm going to his workplace to find out what happened. He freaked out, got me barred from the place before I even got there (his doorman friends stopped me getting in.) Eventually later that night he admitted to kissing a random customer, he regretted it and felt awful. Ok ok, everyone makes mistakes. But after that he seemed distant, different. He was being secretive with his phone. I figured he just felt guilty so tried to reassure him everything would be ok.
After a few weeks he tells me the truth. Hes fell in love with one of the bar-staff. Obviously my heart is broken. For days I beg him to try work things out with me as I love him. He told me he can't, it wouldn't be fair to himself to give up on his chance of happiness or to this girl as she feels the same way about him. He apologises for hurting me but wanted to do right in the end and that means being happy. Eventually I say 'ok, your happiness means more to me than anything else, if she's going to make you happy then go for it' - I leave the house for some air and so he can ring this new girl and tell her about how he's now single etc and see where they go from there. I get a call 5 mins later from him crying his eyes out -hes saying he does still love me, me putting him in front of myself made him realise that.
We give it another go, I said the only way it will work is if you cut all ties with the girl. He leaves working at that bar and rings the girl to let her know he has chosen me, then cuts all contact with the girl. I didn't want him working back at a bar as I was worried he would do the same again (all of a sudden I had trust issues) he reassured me it would be ok, helped me through my trust issues and we got back to our perfect selves after a while. For the first few weeks I was upset but so was he as he said - he's lost someone he loved and needed to greive for her - so I supported him through that which is the hardest thing in the word as I love him and each time he said something like that it was so painful. After around a month of not working there he said "I don't think I actually did love her because I don't feel anything for her now - the only thing I feel is bad that I hurt her and I hurt you"
He's been working at another bar for 8 months and everything has been great. We booked a holiday 5 weeks ago and went on it a week later. We came back from our family holiday and he even talked about us getting married on our next holiday next year.
Here's where everything goes wrong. He tells me he is going to his GRANDADS for the day (something he doesn't do very often but he should do more often) But I just have a gut feeling he is lying to me about it. I can't describe what it is but it feels wrong. He comes back and tells me all about his day, what he's done/drank/ate. His mam rang him the next day and asked how he's been. "Yea we've all been good, we've been bowling, softplay with the kids, cinema etc.etc" but he didn't mention seeing his grandad, which is weird as he always would. So I accuse him of lying to me, he denies it. I rang his mam and asked if my partner has been to see the grandad and she said no.
He ended up after a while saying "I was at the bar I work at sat with 3 female bar staff but I knew you wouldn't have liked me being friends with them so I didn't tell you" obviously I'm peed off. The only reason I didn't want him to become friends with girls is because last time he did, he fell in love! If he had been open and honest about being friends with these girls there wouldn't have been a problem. So obviously my trust issues are back. The next day he says "I think I'm not in love with you anymore, I can't do this" Obviously I don't get it at all, he can't explain how.
Fast forward to the next day (around 3pm just before he's due to pick the kids up from school) I'm grabbing coffee with one of my son's friends parents, because she seen how upset I was over something and wanted to take me out to talk about it - and I see his car pull into the pub he works at. He doesn't leave the car so I go over and see him cuddling a girl (he's in driver seat, she's in passenger seat) I open the door and he moves away from her shocked. I asked what's going on and they both just say they are friends. He insists she's arguing with her boyfriend ATM and he's just being a friend. After a couple days he admits he has feelings for her and she has feelings for him but she's in an abusive relationship. So nothing will come of it.
Now I've just found out she's now broke things off with her boyfriend and they are telling each other they love each other etc. I don't know how long it's been going on for but he said he started to get feelings months ago for her and started to fall out of love with me, the holiday was to see if he could get back in love with me. He should have had a conversation with me months ago but he didn't. I feel betrayed. I feel hurt.
He's still living in our home, texting her and going out with her and it's so hard for me to see. I love this man with my whole heart but he said he doesn't know why he feels this way again because I didn't do anything wrong.
I've relied on him for too much, I know that now and I think that's put strain on our relationship. But a conversation would have fixed it. I don't have any friends, not even one. We moved a little away from the kids school and I don't drive so he takes the kids to and from school everyday. He gets the shopping in etc. He has been the one bringing the money in and controlling it.
I don't just feel like I'm just losing a relationship, I feel like my whole heart has been ripped out of my chest. I don't have anyone to turn too, I'm so so lonely, I don't whisper a word to anyone at all when he's out all day and now when he comes home he doesn't want to be around me or is going out. I don't have any money coming in properly (he said he's never going to leave us needing anything and puts some in my bank.) Hes the only one that drives so I feel trapped all of a sudden. Eventually he's going to get a new house and take our kids for half a week and I'm really really struggling.
His mam thinks he's made a huge mistake but he doesn't want to hear any of it. He says he just wants to be happy and I honestly want that for him too, I just wish it was me that made him happy.
I've since been reading that bipolar can cause you to have these feelings (fall really hard for someone when in a manic stage and move really fast) he has been diagnosed with bipolar for many years but hasn't took his medication for a couple of years. I'm worried that this is what these "falling in love" things have been about. Does anyone else have any experiences like this?
I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to do after a breakup; Like looking for a job during school hours, going for walks, trying to reach out to old friends as I don't have anyone, trying to read books/ learning a new language just to do something with my time.
I'm struggling ridiculous amounts, I have sat back and watched over the last few days and I've not brought one piece of joy to anyone's faces - my kids are moody (understandable) and don't want to talk to me half the time, my ex just doesn't want to be around me as he can't deal with seeing me hurting. I rang Samaritans as I was at the end of my tether and didn't know who else to turn to.
Internet says time will help, move on etc but I can't see myself with anyone else. My whole life has flipped upside down this last week.
I just want to feel happy again. I've spoke to the doctors and they've recommended councilling, so I'm waiting for that. How do I move on from this?