If it was work making me feel like this I'd know what to do

[swirlingsnow]

If it was work causing my mental health problems I could find a new job or take sick leave
But, what do you do when it is a family member who is causing you to feel anxious and depressed?
It is not possible to go NC and to do so would, I think, make me feel even worse.

This person is constantly in my head – I wake up in the morning with my heart pounding & feeling sick thinking about them, during the day I feel depressed by the weight of them and I can’t get to sleep at night turning stuff over and over in my mind. They’re on an eternal thought loop that I can’t get rid of.

What are they doing to take up so much of your head space?

It sounds so silly. It's my elderly mother. She lives with my sister & her family. My mother is safe & well cared for but is very needy and demanding. She puts lots of pressure on me - for example yesterday was typical. I normally go see her on Thursdays but yesterday I had a bad headache. I texted to tell her I wasn't feeling well and would go Friday instead. About an hour after my text she phoned me, crying on the phone because I wasn't going round, saying I was the only person who stopped her feeling lonely and unhappy, and making me promise that I'd go today. Writing that down makes it sound trivial, but it's day after day. When I go there all she talks about is how this or that isn't right, how I'm the only person who can make her happy etc, but she never shows any sign of being happy. I spend so much energy trying to make her happy but she's an emotional vampire.

An hour after her first phone call she was on the phone again asking me if I felt better. I made the mistake of saying a bit better (after 2 paracetamol, 2 ibuprofen and 60mg of codeine my headache was a bit better but I felt very sleepy after the codeine) and I got remarks about how I only got headaches when I was going to see her. Then she kept me on the phone for 20 minutes rabbiting on about what we are going to do today. I just wanted to cry. If someone told me they had a bad headache I'd ask them if they'd taken pain killers, suggest they drink plenty and then leave them to sleep it off etc. Not go on and on about how sad it made me feel that I wasn't going to see them and how much I always wanted to see them.

It just feels relentless - this being made to feel responsible for someone elses happiness, stopping their anxiety etc. I can't stop my own so how can I help someone else. I feel like a drama queen but it seriously makes me want to hurt myself after I've been with her/spoken to her and I hate feeling like that about my mother.

OP, report your own post and ask MN to move it to the Elderly Parents board.
You are very much not alone and will get caring support and advice from a lot of other women in the same position. Can't recommend it highly enough.