Hi everyone I'm after some advice....I think or maybe just to get things off my chest.
I'm 35 and as the title says I feel I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. I've had a lot go on in the last year. I have an 11 year who is my whole world. Me and his Dad spilt when he was 1, his Dad disappeared until last year when he put in an application to court for contact. He was given some contact in a contact centre, after 3 sessions he disappeared again (I did warn Cafcass this is what I thought he would do, but they went ahead anyway) my son was distraught and it's taking weeks of reassurance and extra love to get him feeling a bit better (the school are supporting him too)
This whole experience has really made me question myself and my life. I also in the last few weeks "finished my house and garden" which has taken me 8 years. I thought I would feel on top of the world but I just feel a bit meh. I WFH, it's a good job and most of the time I enjoy it. Last year I tried a different job of working in the community in an area that I have qualifications in, and hated it. I always thought I wanted to work in a caring job, I do like to help people, but this job was too much. Maybe this has made me question myself too. I don't take care of myself properly, I prepare decent dinners and food for my son, but will spend the day grazing on crap and drinking fizzy, which I keep telling myself and my son I'm going to stop drinking, but then keep buying. I have time to exercise and I do want to feel stronger and lose weight but I don't put any real effort in for more than a few days. My son is a good boy, a bit of a character but generally has a good heart. However I feel I could have/should have done better. I shouted at him too much when he was little and was inconsistent with parenting. I would have these great ideas on behaviour management etc and for a few days i would be on it, and then it slipped away again. I do like things my own way and can be a right stroppy cow. I've very critical of myself. I love organising, and I love my home to be clean and tidy, but some nights don't bother to clean the kitchen before bed, then feel like a failure, same as when I don't eat well, drink fizzy or don't exercise, or go to bed ridiculously late. My son and I have very similar personalities, so we do clash heads a lot, however we have the best laughs together too. I want him to be more responsible but then (again) after telling him he has to do such and such, it slips away, or I feel like I'm his mum and to be the best mum I need to look after him, although I know he will do better, if he took responsibility for stuff. I do worry far too much about what others think of me. When he was smaller he used to hit at school a lot, I worked with him and the school and he stopped, but I would give him a big telling off in the playground so the other mums knew I wasn't letting him get away with it, I didn't want them thinking I was a mum that didn't care. I worry I've damaged his self esteem and I know he has loads of great things about him, but all I constantly seem to do his nag him and focus on the stuff that needs improvement. When I was at school, I was so much more confident, I really thought I would make a difference in the world. Or maybe all of this is just I'm realising that I'm nothing special and falling from my pedestal. I've lived on my own since I was 18, I've always worked and I work hard at whatever I'm doing, people do turn to me for support and advice. I've always appeared confident, I used to feel confident but now I feel like a shell of myself and I don't know how to stop feeling like this, I don't know how to live how I want to live and how to stick to what I plan to do, such as healthy living and being the best mum I can. I'm not sure if anyone has any advice, but I needed to get this off my chest