Depressed, anxious, toddler not speaking at 21 months

[mrpanda]

My daughter has been diagnosed as having a speech delay at 21 months by a private SLT - she basically has a small handful of words. She communicates with signs and gestures and babbling (eg pointing) and occasional words. I know that the broad view is wait and see, do some SLT input and she’ll probably catch up but I instinctively feel she just can’t do it and I’m really worried about what lies ahead. I am responsible for the delay - I took medication while I was pregnant (under medical advice), I was really really depressed after birth (and still am now) and I couldn’t breastfeed for medical reasons. All these things have a consequence of developmental delay and I can’t bear that this is all my fault. I’m getting ‘help’ with my mental health through specialist services but nothing makes a difference. I basically have had a really shit run of things and need somethings in my life to improve before I can feel any better.

why am I posting? Because I needed to put it somewhere but also to see if there were genuinely people out there who have children not really speaking At 21 months and then have started to speak? Also any other depressed anxious mums out there who are coping better than me?

My son definitely couldn't speak at 21 months and never really communicated in any way other than pointing. By 24 months, he said the odd word. It wasn't really until he was 3 that he began talking properly and in sentences. He's almost 4 now and is behind some of his peers but well within the range of normal.

I also took medication throughout pregnancy (anti depressants, painkillers and immunosuppressants), didn't breastfeed and had PND. I don't connect any of that with his developmental delays. Don't punish yourself when there's likely to be absolutely zero connection. Some children just develop at different rates.

Please don’t blame yourself, children do have speech delays and it is not uncommon, she does have some words which is really a good start, she’s not even two yet, I know kids who have been in the same situation and then they thrive with the appropriate help? Is she in nursery? If not put her in to one, if you can afford it; it will work wonders and they will put interventions in place to help and support her, right now you are thinking worst case scenario, which is common, but remember with the right interventions and support she will thrive, she will need time and patience and a lot of attention.

Yes, I know a little girl who was not really speaking much until after 2 years old. Now over 3 and her speech is in the usual range for her age.
I think your focus on your medication and how it might have affected your child is likely to be mostly coming from your own mental health issues. Would counselling be a possibility for you?

My daughter didn't have any words other than mummy and daddy before 2. She could understand what we said to her and had some sign language, gestures pointing. Between 2 years and 2.5 years she just took off. At 3, she says soooo much.

Pre 2 I was worried about her as she didn't even try to talk. But she did it all in her own time.

What have you tried for your mental health? Do you think you need a different type of medication, different type of therapy? I know as well as those things, having an improvement in my diet massively helps me. It's really terrible when my mental health is struggling but giving myself some good nutrition does help a little.

My son didn't really say much more than a handful of words until 2.5. He clearly understood a lot though. Age 3 - 5ish it was difficult for others to understand many of his words. He's six now and doesn't stop talking. He's utterly relentless. His grasp of language and use of words is pretty impressive. He's easily understood too - the phonics programme at school is the thing which helped that I think.

My son only said no, bye and dar by 22 months I remember phoning the health visitor in tears then a couple of months later he just seem to start repeating and then once he starting knowing how to say a few more he caught up loads and by 2.5 he was chatting away like others if not more.

DD went to nursery at 22 months, not really speaking and signing a little. She's 4 not and genuinely DOES NOT SHUT UP. There is a general idea that she is autistic with ADHD, later speech is pretty common, when screened her speech was above expectations by two years (all that bloody practice!!!). She's trying to learn French now so she can have more words to barrage me with.

DS is 23 months and has under 25 words and signs but it's growing in the last couple weeks. He has been known to drop words and has been repeating fluke words since he was 9 months old. I feel like there's something mute about him and it upsets me that he can't communicate quite as well as due date peers but we'll get there. Need to set up some more stuff so he can communicate non verbally, pictures he can point to etc. I assume he's ND given family history, it's not very obvious but then DD wasn't thought to be till she was 3+

My daughter didn't really start speaking till 2 years 1 month. Then it was a floodgates opening situation, it all just flowed from that point.

My son didn't really start talking until a month after his 2nd birthday. At his 2 yr health visitor check they went through a list of 50 words and asked me if he said them. He hardly used any, although still used baby sign quite a lot at that age. Within a couple of weeks of that visit he was saying several of the words and by the time he was 2.5 he was talking a lot and his signing had pretty much stopped. Now he's 3 and continues to pick up new words and phrases daily. It's amazing how much he's progressed in the past year.

Have you been told specifically that your medication has caused these issues? Because something like speech delay is not something likely to have been caused by meds.

Your child is communicating, which means they are understanding and processing. That's the key skill. The rest can follow at leisure.

DS was all vowels at 3 years - I ah a ar - I have a car. Uh uz is oo - the bus is blue. He was 4.5 before he could actually use words people could understand.

My twins are 3.5 now, limited speech, excellent understanding. They talk, just in their own language.

Bottle feeding doesn't cause developmental delay. Most of the kids born would have learning difficulties if this were true.

Please keep asking and accepting help. Nothing your child is going through is your fault.

My son didn't speak a word until he was two. When he did start speaking it was very unclear. He communicated, used some signs and gestures to make himself understood. Age 2.5 he was diagnosed with severe glue ear causing significant hearing loss. He had grommets put in which meant he could hear but then the world was loud and terrifying to him and he found life pretty tough.

Age 4 his speech was still quite unclear but his communication skills were excellent.

He is now 16 😁 he is an intelligent and articulate boy. He still gesticulates wildly when speaking, and he is still wary of loud noises (he hates fireworks, for example!) but his development was not overly affected by his late speaking.

That's just our experience. My advice to you (if you want it!) is to work on communication with your child rather than focusing on talking. Use gestures and signs, play peekabo games, encourage your child to point at what they want rather than you just give it to them, etc. Communication is about way more than just using words ☺️

My eldest son had a speach delay. He coudl say a few learnt words at that age but no conversation whatsoever. He actually had glue ear and his speach resolved after he had an operation in his ears.
The ST threw around terms like "autistic" to me when he wasn't even 2. This has been completely dismissed, he caught up within about 6 months and is thriving.

My youngest also has a speech delay. He's 3. Up until a months or so ago he, like eldest, would only use learnt words. No conversation. Occasionally put a couple words together, but that was few and far between.
His ears are fine and he's on the waiting list to be seen by a pedicatrician.
So many concerns were flagged by nursery which one by one are now being dismissed. He's still very far behind but the progress he's making is amazing. All within about the space of a month. He's started try to have conversations and use words in role play. He won't sit and give me a 10 word sentence but hes definitely moving forward. I never ever expected this to happen. I was fully convinced the worst would happen.

I guess I'm sharing this just so you know that speach delays are extremely common and they are NOT your fault. Some children have reasons for having a delay, some are just delayed. In my experience the turn around happens very quickly and very unexpectedly.

You need to think of the steps in front of you, not the full picture. Imagining him having conversations is a long way in the future. Think of the little words, use YouTube, celebrate little milestones. It's easy to not see them when you're drowning with worry.

OP you are not alone and you won't always feel like this. When something isn't right with your children you will go on a journey of acceptance and it will get easier. 21 months is SO young. I honestly barely know any 1 year olds talking.

I hope you're ok, here to chat if it helps x

Please don't worry, 22m is still so little.

DS is 25m now and his speech is just coming on now after getting to 2 with literally just demanding 'dar' at absolutely everything and being most offended if it wasn't successful.

His receptive communication was far better than his expressive but we've seen massive leaps in the last few weeks. I'm an SEN teacher and spend my working life with SALT and Im not worried about DS's speech at all yet.

Read stories, narrate your actions, sing songs, use flash cards - all the stuff you'll be doing anyway - and see how they go on but don't fret at 22m, there's plenty of time yet.

Sorry you're having a tough time OP.

My eldest spoke early and had a really large vocabulary by 2. I wasn't on medication for any of my kids, but would have taken it if I needed to - and you needed to. Mum guilt (especially misplaced) is a fucker. (I have long covid, so my mum guilt is off the charts, even though logically it shouldn't be).

My youngest has speech delay and sounds similar level to your child at their age. Now at 3, she's chatting away, but there's still a fair bit I can't understand. She's getting there, and is still delayed, but the gap is definitely narrowing.

Did your speech consultant give you any guidance/exercises to do with your child? There are some good resources around - some exercises/habits were helpful.

Just came on to say your baby is still so young, lots of children don't have many words before 2.
Development is so varied - my own example is DS1 didn't really have many words until 22 months, and then his word count more than doubled by 24 months. DC2 could talk really well by 18 months, and DS3 didn't talk until he was 3. The SLT wasn't overly concerned at his 2 1/2 check, she checked his understanding by giving him 2 and 3 step instructions " put the doll with the blue dress on the red chair" type of thing, and felt it didn't need any further action unless he wasn't talking by 3, ( which he was, just). By 4, all of them were equally articulate and chatty.
I'd say 21 months is a bit soon to diagnose a speech delay. Has the SLT suggested any particular action?
I don't see how any of this would be your fault - most babies in the UK are not breastfed, you can't help being depressed, and you took only prescribed medication. What I would say is that you sound as if you are very anxious and possibly suffering from PND. Your baby may or may not have a speech delay, but you will be best placed to support her if you have support yourself.
Go back to the GP to see if they can offer more help for you, and in the meantime, the best thing you can do is keep talking to your baby, and playing with her.

My 19month old is breastfed. I didn't take any meds through pregnancy.
He says three words. No, daddy and doggy. That's it.

This isn't your fault. Some children develop at different stages. I also have a 4yr old I think he was the same then after he was 2 years 3 months there was a huge word explosion.

There's a lot to be said for meeting certain criteria and scales. Try not to worry!

I have blamed myself for every issue my kids have had. I think it’s what we do. I had to take antibiotics when I was pregnant .

the thing is - we all do our best. If you needed medication then you needed it. What other option did you have? Regret is the stealer of joy. It’s also likely it made zero difference anyway. It’s likely she will be just fine and if she isn’t, she can get support and likely will be ok anyway.

try enjoy her for as she is, now. The days fly in. You can’t change anything so please please stop beating yourself up. From someone who has wasted so much time doing the same.

Both my son and I were just like this at that age.

Both of us had caught up by the time we were three and a half. DS is at a good university now (and I have a degree in English Lit, if that's any reassurance).

Please stop blaming yourself. None of the factors you mention - breastfeeding, medication, etc - were factors for me or for DS, and we couldn't talk either! Some people are just slow talkers.

By all means seek out speech therapy to help things along. But stop beating yourself up about something which you are incredibly unlikely to have caused.

shes not even 2 years old yet give her a chance!

I wouldn't be worries if I were you. Mine is 22 months and similar to yours but I am not worried, my boys were not talking much at this age too. There us lots of time, they will talk, just enjoy her.

I breastfed both of my daughters until age 2. Didn’t have any medication during pregnancy and didn’t have PND with either.

my first daughter had a speech delay and at age 2.3 could only say Gaga and bubble. Literally nothing else. She also didn’t walk until nearly 2 and was diagnosed with a developmental delay. By age 3.5 she was talking in fluent sentences and could read. She’s now 4.5 and her speech is way ahead of most of her peers.

did everything exactly the same with my second and she is talking in sentences at just turned two.

Two children, same parents, same upbringing, both breastfed - completely different language development. You did not cause your daughters language to be delayed just like I didn’t cause mine.

Your first step can be recognising that this self blame is a symptom of your depression. You are stating in your OP “I am responsible for this” which no healthcare professional would agree with and is a factually incorrect statement. Lots of people here have also given you anecdotal evidence to show you that you’re not at fault. So you need to start by changing your narrative from “this is my fault” to “it FEELS like this is my fault”. It’s a subtle difference but it’s the start of acknowledging that this feeling of everything being your fault is actually a symptom of depression and not an objective fact.

Wishing you well OP. Hope you get the support you need xx

I have 3 DDs. 1st one spoke really early and was a late walker, the next 2 didn't speak more than a couple of words till well past 2 but were very physically forward (the youngest walked at 8 months). They both suddenly started using more words and then didn't shut up. The middle one in particular went from almost nothing to saying all her shapes, colours etc very fast. She clearly knew it all but couldn't get it out. 1st 2 were breast fed, 3rd bottle. No medication for any of them x

I can’t thank you all enough for commenting. In tears here reading after being too scared to open the thread.

the SLT did suggest some stuff to do which I will. And flash cards is a good idea as she does seem to understand much more than she can say although who knows.

I wish I could just shake myself clean of the fog and depression because I know it’s so destructive and pointless but it just feels like there’s a weight on top of me I can’t move. I feel so bad about the breastfeeding. I really believe(d) all the breast is best stuff and even now feel sad when I see someone breastfeeding.

I really appreciate you all sharing your experiences.

I think there is far too much emphasis put on breastfeeding (especially in some hospitals/healthcare areas), and not enough recognition of the fact that it's literally not possible for everybody, for various reasons.

Loads and loads of people do not breastfeed. Modern formula milk gives extremely good nutrition. A fed, contented baby is the goal to aim for. Look around you at the people you know: can you pick out which ones were breastfed and which were bottle fed, based on their physique or intellect or emotional health? No, of course you can't.

It's too easy for mums to fall into the guilt trap. I know mums who have been criticised for breastfeeding and mums who have been criticised for not breastfeeding. And if it's not feeding, it's something else. Basically, if you're a mum, there will be somebody somwhere telling you you're doing something wrong; society is very critical and it doesn't help that the goalposts keep changing. It's too easy for us to internalise that and start to hold ourselves to impossible standards of perfection (and perfect parenting is NEVER possible, for ANYBODY).

Give yourself a break. I know that's easier said than done. But you are clearly a great mum, because you care so much about the wellbeing of your child and you're doing your best for her. You are taking really good care of her. Please take good care of yourself as well.

Thank you.

I really wanted to BF. I’m not going to go into detail but I was in HDU post birth and needed a lot of surgery so it just wasn’t possible. I then was severely depressed - no shit after everything that had happened! But I spent a lot of time obsessively reading research about how bad depression and not breastfeeding is for kids. In my idle moments, I wonder whether the authors of these websites and articles realise how much pain and distress they cause.

anyway, fast forward to now, Im surrounded by other mums and family’s who have everything sorted and are living their best life, telling me how their same age age toddlers can count and speak in sentences and it just makes me feel like an utter failure that my life doesn’t look or sound like that.

sorry, I know I sound like an utter pity party. It’s really helpful to hear other experiences that aren’t all shiny and brilliant as it makes me feel vaguely ‘normal’