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Original poster

Recurring mental health struggles

12 replies

Pineappledancer · 05/07/2023 15:29

Hi looking to speak to anyone else on here who has suffered with mh long term. I have had many episodes of poor mental health over the past 10 years.

I am currently feeling like another episode is closing in fast.

Spent a lot of yesterday and today in tears and feeling like I "should" be able to get a grip on this by now and that it will be my own fault if I can't stop the episode taking hold.

This is the typical start of a vicious cycle when I spend all my time constantly thinking about how bad I feel and beat myself up for my lack of progress in being able to manage my mental health.

Now I feel a bit wobbly I am convinced I have actually be struggling for a long time and just hiding my head in the sand.

I am completely confused about whether anything I have been doing over the past few years has actually been helpful or not. When I feel okay I think my behaviour is normal / fine but when I start feeling unwell again I think the exact same behaviour was clearly not normal / fine.

Sorry if that doesn't make much sense, I am interested to hear others experiences.

X

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 05/07/2023 17:01

We often judge ourselves harshly for taking damage from something we feel shouldn’t have affected us. Other times we blame ourselves for not yet having healed from something that happened so long ago.

When we get cut, do we chastise our body for bleeding? Do we strike the area to encourage the healing to speed up?

Taking damage is human, you are allowed to have times in your life when your main priority right now is healing, and no matter how long it takes, you’re not doing it wrong.

By the way, the only thing that happens when we 'beat ourselves up' is that we end up beaten...

Original poster
Pineappledancer · 06/07/2023 09:14

@Eyesopenwideawake

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it. I.have had some therapy in the past.and one of the main things to come out of it was I need to be kinder to myself. I just don't know how to.

Currently lying in bed thinking round and round in my head. My physical anxiety symptoms are quite strong at the moment and I struggle to do or think about anything else.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 06/07/2023 09:33

You're welcome. 😊

As you know, the physical symptoms are because your body reacts to what's happening in your mind and if your mind is in turmoil your body thinks it's under threat (it doesn't know the difference between a real or an imaginary danger) so therefore responds with the fight or flight reaction.

How did your MH problems start in the first place and what (if anything) is making them worse at the moment? Finding - and dealing with - the root cause is the most successful outcome.

liondreams · 06/07/2023 09:36

there's a really good book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK

sounds like you might be in a CPTSD flashback. Maybe worth doing some research on CPTSD because I get this too. The book is amazing.

You might not even know the reasons you have CPTSD, the causes can be complex and also maybe linked to some early trauma of which you are unaware e.g. parents less emotionally available when you were young, rather than outright "trauma". for me it was like a lightbulb when I read about CPTSD because it explained all my lifelong MH struggles.

liondreams · 06/07/2023 09:38

here is an article about the flashbacks:

Original poster
Pineappledancer · 06/07/2023 10:40

@liondreams

Thanks I will have a look at that.

@Eyesopenwideawake

So when I was officially diagnosed with anxiety / depression it was put down to PND although I now think that there were signs there before that going back to my teens.

All serious episodes have occurred during periods of time when I am off work. I have currently just started 6 weeks of holiday as I work term time. And after having a bad episode last summer I was nervous of the same thing happening this year. So it feels like a self fulfilling prophecy. I worry myself sick about the possibility of becoming ill during the holidays and then when it happens I blame myself.

I have a lot of underlying issues around not feeling good enough, not being deserving, trust issues that mean I have isolated myself from the friends I used to have. I have strong feelings of failure/ not having achieved my potential as I was a high achiever at school / uni but lack of confidence/ anxiety has impeded me.

It used to be that I was only unwell in the Christmas holidays and I was fine for 6 weeks at summer, and the Christmas episodes became less and less severe as I felt I was learning not to fear them as I knew I would start to improve when I got back to work.

I have never been I'm this situation of starting to feel things going wrong with such a long time until I will be back at work.

The thought of getting through today fills me with dread, never mind 6 more weeks.

Also when I feel like this I usually end up going to my doctor which results in an increased dose or a change of ADs. This in turn causes an initial worsening of my symptoms/ side effects and I then regret having made the change and wishing Inhad tried to stick it out, so more beating myself up.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 06/07/2023 10:56

I have a lot of underlying issues around not feeling good enough

These feelings are often learnt/absorbed/believed in childhood and become part of our core beliefs; the way we see ourselves, others and the wider world which we accept as absolute truth but which are often not objectively true (or are no longer relevant to you as an adult).

You're right about the self fulfilling prophecy but it's nothing to get cross with yourself about - we don't learn from the future, only the past. Have you had any sort of therapy?

Original poster
Pineappledancer · 06/07/2023 12:03

@Eyesopenwideawake

Again, thanks for the reply.

I have had a few tries at NHS therapy. One was focused on thinking errors, core beliefs etc. It made quite a lot of sense and I got on okay with it to a point, but I came a bit unstuck with the core beliefs because I couldn't challenge them. I believed them so completely.

Part of the issue is the timing of the therapy I think. I want help when I am struggling but am not in a great place to engage with it. When I am in a better place I don't want to deal with my issues/ I don't think I need therapy.

The most recent course of therapy I had focused on relapse prevention. What I could do to keep myself well and signs to look out for etc. I thought I was doing well with this, eg. Doing regular exercise and good sleep habits in the run up to the holidays.

I also had I think 2 sessions of private counselling but didn't continue with this after I began to feel a bit better. I am considering revisiting this, but from memory the counsellor, although lovely, seemed a bit unsure what to do with me and the ending of the sessions was mutual.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 06/07/2023 18:56

I did an AMA on remedial hypnosis - please have a look to see if it makes sense to you.

Original poster
Pineappledancer · 07/07/2023 10:27

@Eyesopenwideawake

How do I find your AMA? Is it on this board, do you know roughly when it was? I tried to search for it but didn't really know what I was doing.

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