Why am I an anxious mess at the school gates

[Sweetlily99]

This I'm sure is trivial next to some topics in MH but didn't want to put it in aibu as I just get picked apart and the help I asked for drowned out.

Just looking for some perspective on the below, not sure there is a solution. Thanks for reading x

i am a grown women, wife and mother who works full time and manages to function day to day just fine interacting with other people, dealing with disputes at work, exchanging pleasantries with plenty of people in professional and non work settings, have friendships, relationships, dealing with some egos and mixed personalities at work not all nice etc... but all in all can take alot of shit / stress and still function fine in that it doesn't impact me emotionally.

So why when a mother at school, who i have been friendly with for the past year plus ish - to the extent of chatting at parties, some play dates, had a laugh with at s ho events, but in no way have either if us tried to extend past that (ie we don't have loads invested in the acquaintance) - starts blanking me do I get all tied in knots, anxious and overthink everything to the extent I'm very emotional about it and impacting my wellbeing. Impacting sleep / my quiet time / crying randomly.

I was talking to a friend today about it and I noted how irrational my feelings were. I'm not upset that I've messed a friendship up because to my knowledge I have not done anything and as i said there wasnt a deep friendship to loose. I would understand and own my feelings if I had hurt a friend because I would know what I'd done etc and I'd have to deal with the consequences of my actions

I just hate the feeling and not felt like this since bullied at school. I can't even pinpoint the why I feel like this.

Is it the unknown reason? If so why not ask.. but I almost can't be bothered with any drama as its not worth it. Because it could only be nonsensical drama as we are not really friends and not had any deep connection with which to have caused hurt. Eg) is it a childrens issue (Y1) that's not been raised by school as trivial? But no surely not.. we are adults and she seemed super chill about playground issues in the past when she was chating at a party (a child's party) plus her DD was calling out to my DS as she cycled past the other day.

I just feel so uncomfortable and wish at the school gates we could act like the grown ups we are and set a good example to our children. Even my DS asked why X mummy gave you a funny look when you said hi.. i just said oh maybe she didn't recognise me with glasses 😐

I just think I need to take the high ground keep being civil and try and let it go. But why can't I let the horrible anxious feeling go??? Why am I 14 again!?!

Where is the strong woman that appears in many aspect of my life ... just not thre at pick up / drop.off!?!?

Any tips to manage this from my side.

Why am I 14 again!?!

Probably because something happened around that age that made you feel anxious/rejected/vulnerable and those feelings are rising to the surface again. The school years are so important to our feelings of inclusion and social acceptance that they can stay with us and - as has happened with you - remind you of a time when you weren't self assured and in control.

@Eyesopenwideawake Omg thank you that's very insightful and something right infront of me I couldn't see.

My teenage years were not really happy across the span of high school from 14-17. I had outlets in sport etc and had some v happy times but got bullied and made to feel worthless / excluded for apparently no reason for large periods stopping and starting. I am an introvert / shy which probably doesn't help now.

But I'm confusing my work identity of being assured and my other long standing and organic friendships as being able to deal with this.

I can definitely mirror the feelings.

Maybe not so irrational and more deep rooted. Definitely in the friend sphere as have been rejected by bf etc and not felt like this.

Jeez I'm a mess. I even delayed planning my sons bd party incase I had to include an invitation but he only wanted 5 friends in the end. Queue more guilt because of my irrational behaviour

Thanks again. X

You say your feelings are irrational, but they're not. That's a really shitty thing she's doing and most likely intentional on her part. Playground politics.

Maybe you could ignore her blanking and see how she responds?! Used to work a treat with my ex.

No problem! There's a part of your subconscious mind that's 'stuck' in that difficult 14-17 age and desperately doing it's best to protect you from being hurt again; your mind always wants you to be happy and safe but it doesn't know how to deal with this aspect of your life so it's triggering those old feelings again.

You can deal with this - have a peek at my AMA on remedial hypnosis.

@starsinthegutter blanking back was what my friend said to me today to try. but I said i didn't want anyone to have any ammunition to say "see Sweetlily99 is the problem" and also goes back to my point about being adults and setting examples.

I'll definitely do this though if it escaltes.

Thanks 👍

@Eyesopenwideawake thanks I'll have a look for sure.

I'm not 41... so didn't even think I could be "triggered"

If it was me I’d send a breezy text saying you hope you’d not offended her in some way?

All sounds so mean op :(

@Createausernameargh I probably would have if in the first instance I hadn't convinced myself it was a mistake / didn't see me, but too far down the path now.

I'm not sure I even want to know as then I have to go on the defensive. Or analyse it and figure out how to reply. I honestly think it will be petty / something perceived incorrectly / something a 6 year old said. I really don't think our lives are intertwined enough for it to be a genuine issue. And I don't think I could handle the drama and emotional stress of defending myself over something i find a bit silly and then wondering who knows what. I'd rather be ignorant and chat happily to all the other parents about stuff without wondering.

If I had hurt a friend or I really valued this relationship of course I would and as i said would be able to reconcile my feelings better.

It's more hiw shitty an apparent inconsequential friendship / acquaintance has made me feel. I couldnt understand it but am connecting some dots now with my teenage self.

She won't be losing sleep or crying chopping onions. Nor should I!

Thanks x