My Citalopram experience

[Mpmd]

Hello, I’m new to this but have came here for the last 3.5 weeks for advice and help along my journey on Citalopram. If it wasn’t for these discussions and seeing people helping each other, giving advice and giving their experiences I don’t think I would have got as far as I have. I wanted to leave my journey here so far to help others and give people hope in the same way I have found hope. 10 years ago at the age of 18 my first born son died at birth, since then my mental health took a turn dramatically. 5 years later after the birth of my 3rd child I became agoraphobic and couldn’t leave my home, not even to take the bins out. This lasted a whole 10 months but without anyone other than my partners support I managed to get myself out of that dark place. Since then I have managed to get by with my anxiety and challenged and pushed myself to keep going for my family. Last year I had to cut a lot of family out of my life & with a few other unexpected circumstances I started to see myself spiral again. In march this year I had my first major panic attack, which led to more.. I decided to keep going and push myself even further.. I didn’t give myself a minute to take in what I was going through or rest until four weeks ago I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like I couldn’t be here anymore. I had such bad intrusive thoughts that I couldn’t even eat or have a conversation with anyone. I felt paralysed with anxiety and fear, like I had a cloud following me around and I couldn’t bare it anymore. I finally decided I needed help. My doctor prescribed me 10mg of Citalopram. The first week I completely lost myself. I slept all day (luckily my partner works from home!).. I couldn’t eat. My anxiety was tripled, I felt low and flat & spaced out. By the second week I was slowly managing to find little moments in the day that I could something for myself or around the house. I made sure to take 30 minute walks a day at least. I’m into my third week now and I see the light. I can eat again (making up for the amount I missed 😩) I’m able to socialise again, I wake up without the dread and feeling paralysed with anxiety. I still have intrusive thoughts but not nearly as much, and when they come 9/10 I can bat them away and think logically and they will not send me into a spiral like before. I have so much further to go and I know I might even have to up the amount I take at some point but i truly didn’t ever believe I could get better, I was scared and really didn’t see that light ever coming back on again but I can see it now and I’m going to keep going until I reach it. Thank you to everyone on these forums that come here to help people along the way, when I feel like giving up I come here for a glimmer of light. I hope my story can be that light for someone else. You can do it, you will get there and this is only temporary. I really do see a future now & we all deserve to live it free from battles with our minds

Amazing thank you for sharing and may your recovery continue to be as successful

Thank you! Fingers crossed 🤞

Yes thanks for sharing. It is incredibly helpful to hear other people's positive stories.

I have been through many mental health struggles and know logically that I always come out the other side and that I will this time too, but that does little to reassure me in the bad spells.

Wishing you all the best with your recovery.

Just wanted to update for anyone who may still be on their journey, in a blip or wanting to start their journey. Last week I found my anxiety harder to deal with (it was my time it the month) I knew this may happen & that my emotions & anxiety will go up and down as my body gets used to the medication. Even though it was hard to tell myself it’s ok to have a blip & have a tough week I knew I had been feeling better so I know the light is still there no matter how little I could see it. I decided to go up to 15mg today (I have a pill cutter) & felt spaced out & tired within half hour of taking the medication. I’ve felt more physically anxious today too which I haven’t much in a little while. I knew after research that symptoms can start again when increasing. I’m going to keep updating here to help others and to remind myself that better days are possible. I saw someone say that the up and down days are like a stitch.. sewing us back together again until the stitch comes to a end and there’s a knot… and the bad days come to a end as we heal… keep going x

Day 3 of the increase & my head feels a little quieter. There’s been moments in the day that I’m shocking myself thinking “wow why am I not anxious”… and then start to become anxious! But I’ll take it for now. I even managed my first day at home alone with just the baby today since starting Citalopram (partner usually works from home) & I’m actually really pleased with myself and how I managed. Also went for dinner at the mother in laws today and although I felt the anxiety and urge to want to go home niggle at me I stayed & even laughed without forcing it. Mornings are still a bit harder with physical anxiety symptoms.. especially feeling like I just can’t get up or focus but by the afternoon I can think more clearly and get out (although I have gone back to needing a nap after a hour of taking the meds) Besides that I haven’t got the symptoms I had when starting 10mg & might talk to the doctor about going up to 20mg next week.

Day 32 of Citalopram. 28 days on 10mg, day four of 15 mg. Today I managed to be up and out early to take my baby to a baby group with my sister. Had the usual “I just want to be home” feeling with anxiety & the anxiety niggle in the background but as the day progressed it started to fizzle out. This evening is the best and more clear I’ve felt in months and months. I feel slightly anxious about starting to feel anxious (the joys) but this is the most myself I’ve felt in a very long time. Fingers crossed this is a sign of things looking up from here… but if not then I can at least lean on this good evening and see that there is hope

Day 7 of the 15mg and I am so anxious. The morning anxiety for the last two days has been torture. Legs & arms numb, hot squeezing feeling on the back of my head, shaking & chattering teeth, feeling sick & just not wanting to go on today. All that mixed with having a 1 year old who climbs in our bed in the morning & a very difficult time with our 6 year old.. summer holidays are coming up in a week and I don’t know how I’m going to cope. I just would do anything to feel my old self again. I’m exhausted at this point. I wish I got help sooner than I did and maybe I wouldn’t have got to this point. I can’t sit and watch tv, I can’t relax at all, I’m just constantly on high alert and my mind is racing 24/7.. sometimes to the point I feel like I’m going crazy… i know I am not, I know it’s the anxiety and just the pure exhaustion of feeling so low for so long and fighting with my mind… only thing getting me through is other forums & seeing how others improved and got better… I can’t wait for that day.

@Mpmd

I have been exactly where you are. You will get there. It sounds from your posts on 12th and 13th that things are improving. It is totally normal to then have a few worse days and feel completely back to square one. You are not though, you have made progress and are still adjusting to the medication.

I found that when I had a worse day it fuelled my anxiety as my brain focused on the negatives, I will never get better etc.

It is a bumpy road with ups and downs but the downs quickly became less frequent and less deep, and once I could see that it really helped.

Keep writing down how you are feeling and look back at the them. Your post on 13th is fantastic. You could see the light, you had hope and felt more like your old self.

I understand that right now all that hope has gone again, but that is the illness. You are taking steps to get better and you are getting better. You will see the light again, more and more until its back full time.

Maybe even later on today you will look back at this mornings post and feel a lot different.

I have been through this a few times. It is hell, but you are doing amazing and you will get there.

I know it is hard when your brain is in overdrive with negatively but thinking that you "should" have done things differently like getting help sooner is not going to do anything to help.

You are where you are and you are doing so well. I am beginning to learn with CBT that when my brain is thinking "I should have" that I can try not to engage or dwell on it.

I know that maybe isn't possible when you are in the middle of it all, but worth remembering when you are feeling better.

@Pineappledancer I can’t thank you enough for taking your time to leave me a message. I honestly didn’t think anyone would even really be reading this. I took my first 20mg today after just collapsing into my partners arms this morning just absolutely crippled with anxiety and feelings of just not ever getting better. You were right though! I took the meds, relaxed on the sofa with my family & managed to get us all ready to run some errands. We stopped at the park & our one year old finally decided it was the day she wanted to try and run around the field with us all.. it’s the first time she’s really properly walked and it was beautiful. I’ve had a much more clearer mind since this morning and probably the most clear it’s been in a very long time. I normally have to tell my brain to “move along” or “be quiet” every five minutes but I don’t think I have had to more than a handful to times since my last post. I think it’s just the never ending feeling of waiting for it to hit again. Thank you again for wanting to give me some guidance and support, it’s just what we all need in these times

5 weeks on Citalopram. Day 3 on 20mg. The morning anxiety for the last few days has been crippling. My morning anxiety passed within hours before upping but yesterday it lasted all day. I take my tablet at around 9 every morning and it is now 12.04pm & I am only just calming slightly. This is also the lowest and flattest I have felt since starting the meds but I know it’s a side effect… which is hard to remind yourself at the time but I just know it is. I’m back to not being able to eat, constant yawning, tight jaw, feel a sense of dread & teary all day at the moment. I’m finding it hard to find motivation again, I can’t relax.. not even to sleep this off so I’m sat trying to get through it. Even making sure I get out for a little walk every day is a challenge. Only plus today is that even with the increased absolutely everything.. my mind is not racing even near as much as before. Hoping for better evenings like I did before.

Yesterdays morning anxiety was AWFUL, ended up on the phone to the doctors in a attack.. well my partner did because I physically couldn’t speak with such anxiety.. they told me there was no appointments and to call back later.. absolutely useless. Partner made me get dressed and we went for a drive & a walk next to the sea with our baby girl and it helped get me out of the funk I was in.. even if I just didn’t want to move. Todays morning anxiety wasn’t as bad but it’s just so crippling. Managed to talk to my gp & asked for diazepam or something to help when I’m really bad and need it but he refused every time.. I was really holding out hopes to have it as back up to keep me calm through the hard parts. I have a phone assessment with the nhs Italk mental health team tomorrow morning and I’m extremely nervous about having to speak about everything and it’s also first thing in the morning when I’m at my worst so I don’t know how I’m even going to string two words together without breaking down. Even so I’m feeling a tiny bit more hopeful today with little negative thoughts slipping through.. can’t wait for this to be over

Hi OP,
This might not be easy advice to follow as it is probably the last thing you feel like doing and you have your little one to watch but I find it helps to move if you feel you are getting anxious e.g. clean the kitchen/ shower/hoover. I don't know whether the physical movement burns some adrenaline or just distracts you from escalating but I do think it helps if you can. Worse for me was sitting through it - but I do understand if you feel paralysed by the feelings and can't.

The other thing I found helps is try hard to plan things to look forward toq - can be as small as having a meal you enjoy for tea or watching a TV programme you know you will like. If you like walking plan a walk with your partner and kids on his day off (take a buggy). Take something for a snack break or get a snack/ice cream whole out.

If finances allow some treats that provide structure to your week will be good e.g. a chippy tea on a Friday or whatever you enjoy and suits your budget (oven fish and chips?). Would you be able to go swimming as a family? Make plans and move - with adult company when you can. Don't worry if you can't. When you can't just get through - but exercise and movement especially outside or in water has mood lifting properties.

My husband had an experiences similar to your initial posts - insomnia, intrusive thoughts, couldn't focus, distressed. That was a decade ago now. He still takes Citalopram but his recovery has been excellent. He went from full time teaching to part time which is much better for our work/life balance (I went back to work part time after being a stay at home mum). He is a great teacher and fully involved dad and partner. Eating well, making plans big and small, exercise (which might just be a walk/going swimming) communicating our needs to each other and trying to ensure adequate sleep and rest have all been vital to keep us all well long term.

I've just spotted you live neat the sea - cold water swimming is supposed to be excellent for mental health! Have a look into it! Stay safe though - find a group or a beach with a lifeguard.

No idea where you live but here is an example in Cornwall.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.wildswimmingcornwall.co.uk/blog/chill-uk-and-their-mission-to-introduce-prescription-cold-water-swimming%3fformat=amp

Just over two weeks of upping to 20mg. Physically the morning anxiety is going. Although the morning instant weird thoughts are there but I’m getting so much better at pushing past them and getting up. Finding I’m tiredddd through the day which is not like me & normally end up needing a nap at some point. Got my appetite back also. Evenings are still the easiest for me, I manage to relax and think more clearly. Not waking in the night as I was for the first week on 20mg. Actually making plans, going out on my own with the kids and not thinking as negatively. Booked and went to the theatre all in one day and sat through the whole thing with my partner.. I would never of done that even before this started so I am super proud of myself. Starting a cbt online class with italk also. I feel so much better but know I have so much further to go until I’m better and I’m still very aware that this can all turn at any point. Just taking each day as it comes and really fighting hard to get better.

Hey OP. How are you now? Hope you’re well.

@Mpmd hinthere- I’ve just started my citalopram journey and found your post. It’s been so helpful! Thank you.

like you I had lots of side effects starting- on day 19 of 10mg. But over the last week I had been feeling better, side effects are much less and anxiety much reduced.

alrhough today I am so sleepy, and tired, I have the horrible anxiety shakey feeling that I can’t shift.

just wondering how you are doing now? Did things improve? I hope so…

@Mpmd How are you? I have had a bit of a wobble the last few days, which has brought me back to this board. I really hope things are good for you. It is very strange to read my previous post to you on here but also helpful to remind me I don't always feel like I do right now. I hope you found CBT helpful.

@Monkey130 How are you doing this week?