I’m considering autism for myself but I am second guessing because although I feel everything has clicked and made sense my mum is adamant it’s not and I’m “fine” I have been referred by my Dr so now it’s just a wait until the next part and it has me over thinking every hour of every day and it’s exhausting.
My teenage son is currently being assessed and my younger daughter is also being “kept an eye on” currently. Going through this and researching for my children is what has sparked something for me. So I’m daily/hourly analysing everything in my life from childhood to now.
So today l seem to be having a bad day (I do have these somewhat on the regular-especially lately and had been put on anti depressants) I woke up feeling done with the day already, but full of something like maybe over stimulation or something? I feel like I could cause some damage to stuff but also like bursting into tears. I don’t really want anyone to talk to me or touch me or even really do anything demanding. I just want to be shut in my room, in my bed on my own. I don’t have anything much I need to do today except look after my children but I’m feeling guilty for feeling this way. Is this depression or something else?
Yesterday I dropped my older daughter off to get her hair done for her prom, went to work then I had an hour break and went back to work, leaving at about 5pm so I could help my daughter dress for her prom. Then we took pictures and drove her to the event (I didn’t drive- a friend drove us in her car, not that I can’t but I don’t like to when I don’t know what the arrangements will be when I get there ) We spent about an hour outside taking more pictures and then waved her off and I went home. Came home to usual stuff dinner and bedtimes and waited up for my daughter to get home (about 11pm)
It doesn’t feel like this should be an outrageous day for the way I’m feeling today but I wanted to ask more experienced peoples opinions on if this could have affected me today? Just looking back on other days that I have felt this way and the circumstances possibly surrounding it but it makes me feel weak and lazy and like I’m just trying to make excuses and I should keep pushing through constantly. I just struggle seeing other people doing all the things are seemingly fine and I can’t seem to get through it without crashing at the end of the day/weekend, I can’t keep up. Something that doesn’t help is I feel my mum has ingrained in me all my life about not being “lazy” and her never sitting down all day, etc. every time I just overthink. “Is this a bad enough day to deserve a rest?” “What is the measure of a bad enough day?”
I’ve currently cut down my work hours to accommodate myself a little as I was working 7 days a week but only half days and it got
to the point that I considered self
harm because I was so overwhelmed but as a family we did have quite a traumatic year last year so I don’t want to get the wrong end of
the stick with autism/trauma