I have 3 or 4 friends who I see every now and again. Not on a particularly regular basis but it is good to keep in touch. The problem is it takes effort to be sociable. I don't want to loose my friends and usually enjoy their company when I make the effort to see them but they have no idea how low my current mood is. I'm isolating myself a bit and it is perpetuating things even more. I think I feel a lot of shame and as if I'm attention seeking if I admit to all this. I also feel like I've got to be on form/provide that listening ear or whatever instead of being truly authentic (I'm getting better at this) but right now I don't want to depress anyone else with my negative outlook on life. I also realise it is not a good thing to become isolated. Basically, I think I want someone to collude with me about the difficulties of life and society. My friends also have issues regarding family members and again, I am a good listening ear - in many ways I make a good friend but tend to not offload. Then, I get the advice from people who don't understand the true crippling nature of anxiety why don't you try x and y when they clearly haven't a clue (luckily for them). Occasionally I laugh with people and then wonder what is going on because the majority of the time my mood is low.
I'm fighting for help from the NHS for recommended therapy. This has compounded things as there is a lot of gatekeeping to treatment that I am entitled to. This is also making my view of society (and most people in it) even more negative. I can't seem to shake it and prefer being with animals or nature (I have immediate family - dh and dc). Attending psychotherapy (on a private basis) but again, whilst it is taking the edge of things and has helped it's not enough to get me out of this spiral. I'm looking into a different type of therapy but so fed up it all cost ££££££'s which makes me feel frustrated (it's like a double thing of having suffered and now having to pay out money for something that may or may not work).
Perimenopause making things even worse. I think people easily irritate me. Started HRT a couple of months ago and whilst it has taken the edge off anxiety (underlying condition of anxiety so bad in the first place), I am still essentially anxious and now depressed. Review due in August. I am also taking testosterone and I was hoping it would give me a bit more zest but it hasn't done. I'm in the zone of thoughts that the best of life has happened it's all down hill from here (I've read there is often a mid-life slump around 50). Wondering how the hell things are going to pick up from here. Not suicidal but kind of had enough of life (hobbies that once held interest now lack a lot of joy). And yes, I can be grateful but life feels difficult because of the anxiety. I've tried lots of AD's. May even benefit from a mood stabiliser but this is going to require psychiatry input and what's the hope of that on the NHS.
Needed to vent somewhere, thank you if you have read this far. Will also post this on the menopause board.