Struggling to cope with DH

[TryAgainAnotherDay]

DH is struggling with coping at work. I have always been the main earner up until we had DD, not long after having her he got a new job and I dropped to part time hours as he had a significant pay increase. I will be going back to work full time next year when DD starts school.

He has been miserable since he started the new job nearly 3 years ago. He's either moping around or getting snappy. He says he can't cope with the pressure of being the main earner and what would happen if he got fired. He was placed in a PIP a couple of months back but has had meetings and been told he has shown great improvement and will be off the PIP soon but he is still constantly stressed. He tells me he feels like he is being bullied, but I don't think he is, I think he just convinces himself his boss is out to get him, he won't ask for help when he is struggling and I'm pretty sure he has developed social anxiety as he won't even ask for assistance in a shop any more, and makes me call his GP.

His mood is so up and down depending on how he's done that day at work, and is seeking constant reassurance. If he has a meeting and has been told he is doing well but certain tasks need doing he will take it as a personal insult, if he has a team meeting and the team gets a bollocking he thinks it was aimed all at him, if he doesn't hear off his boss he thinks his boss is going to fire him. But if he has a lot of praise then he is on top of the world.

I don't know what to do, 2 years of living with someone so miserable is dragging me down. He is already on anti depressant medications. To make matters worse we have just exchanged on our first home so he can't even quit his job. We can't afford ATM for him to get a different job as nothing will pay as well and I can't go full time as the money I earn will be lost on childcare, I already work overtime on weekends just to make ends meat with the cost of living. We can afford a drop in his wages next year when DD starts school as I can make up the short fall, but that means we will be back to watching every penny as opposed to being comfortable if we continue at our current jobs both full time. I'm at a loss of what to do, we obviously need money to live, but no job is worth this impact on mental health.

I think you’ve made the main decision, which is that that this can’t go on. Now you have to find the solutions around money and childcare.

If he switches roles ‘down’ and is at home more, and you switch your role ‘up’, can you juggle around that?

Unfortunately not, DD is 3 next month so what we save now in childcare will go to the extra we will be paying in mortgage. Even if we never bought the house, renting would be more then a mortgage.
Anything extra I earn would then go straight towards extra child care and any job DH picks up would have to be full time as this would then equal my part time wages, if that makes sense

You say he is already on antidepressants. Have these been reviewed to see if they are helping it sounds like they aren't

Has he looked at any form of psychological therapy? The antidepressants can't do it all if he hasn't looked at the way he thinks and responds to situations. He can self-refer to the local IAPT service.

These are the exact words I have told him, he needs to get meds reviewed, try to change lifestyle (walks, health eating etc) and to self refer for therapy but he won't. I'm not sure if it's partly out of stubbornness as he has always thought mental health was over dramatised and therapy is pointless, or if he generally just gets anxious about speaking to new people.

Can you drag him out for a walk with you and DC in the evening/at the weekend? When I was down, I didn't want to go for a walk, but if my DP did manage to get me out, I did feel much better.

As to meds, different physiologies respond differently to different drugs, so it can take a couple of reviews to find the right one. You do have to stick with it for 6 weeks, as it can take this long to become effective.