I want to be less miserable but don’t know where to start

[DinoDandy]

I’ve been following some of these threads and getting some ideas but I’m feeling overwhelmed with my situation and don’t know where to start. I’m hoping someone can help me break this down and plan a way out of this before it escalates. I’m miserable despite having plenty to be thankful for. I think its mostly linked to low self esteem and feeling worthless and unloved.

Since having my 2nd DC 4 years ago I’ve struggled to feel any sense of achievement- parenting feels hard and I’m always thinking I should do better. My DCs are lovely really but these days they bring me more stress than joy. My 6 yr old constantly complains about the meals I cook, complains when I set boundaries, speaks to me like I’m her servant- rude, etc, and chooses to spend quality time with her Dad over me. My 4 year old has SEN- can be very affectionate but also very challenging and sometimes I feel like I’ve just had enough.

DH is a good father- very hands on and playful and does his fair share of school pickups, bath, bed, etc. He could be a better husband tbh as I still carry most of the mental load and do 90% of shopping, cooking, laundry, etc. This has made me quite resentful- I don’t mind the laundry so much but the meal planning and shopping is the worst thing for me now. I can’t ever escape- as DH even asks me what we have for lunch when we’re both working from home. I’ve talked about this with him previously but he just says I don’t appreciate all he does around the house, etc. I would just like for once for him to take over for a week but he won’t do it. I’m getting more resentful now as the kids are clearly favouring him now- he’s more fun and has more energy than me and so of course they want him all the time. I try not to let them see how much it upsets me but I feel rejected. So I just stay in and do the dishes while they all play outside :-( I’d like to be more playful and enjoy these precious years with the kids but I’m too miserable to pick myself up.

I suspect my hormonal contraception is contributing to a ‘numb’ feeling I have- it’s hard for me to get any enjoyment in life and I have no libido. I’m tempted to stop taking the pill but I’m scared I’ll suffer with worse mental health. I’ve previously felt extremely low and even suicidal on my ovulation days- think it’s probably PMDD. I’m ok for the rest of the cycle and I could try other ways to manage it I suppose if I did stop taking the pill. The pill regulates me- I don’t ever get mood swings now but it’s not much fun either. I’m not interested in taking ADs- I’m scared of becoming dependent or having side effects. It also seems unnecessary if it’s only for a few days in my cycle.

I’ve hated my most recent jobs- I know I could be more productive but my mind is so easily distracted and I’m struggling to focus. I mainly work from home and find myself procrastinating or doing stupid pointless tasks. I may as well be doing housework or something more productive but I would feel too guilty doing that during work time. So I sit at my desk wishing I was doing something else. I know if I fixed my attitude I could do so much better but it feels pointless and like I’m purposely being self destructive. I’ve started to get anxiety about work- usually early in the morning I’ll wake up with my heart racing because I’ve remembered I didn’t do something or a deadline is coming. Ideally I would get another job but there aren’t many part time positions available and it feels like I’ve applied to so many without any interviews forthcoming. I’m overqualified for many of these jobs- I don’t know if that’s the reason I don’t get considered but it’s contributing to my low self esteem. I’m also unsure how this will fix the issue as I left a previous job for
similar reasons. I wonder if I should do something completely different but that could reduce my income considerably and it feels risky. I also have no clue what to do- I just know I hate what I’m doing now. I fantasise about handing in my notice but with no job to go to that would be reckless.

Where do I start? I’ve tried to make some small changes to look after myself more- I’m doing exercise classes now and try to go running once a week. I’m refusing to do any more cleaning over the bare minimum- kitchen, bathrooms are hygienically clean but no dusting or tidying more than absolutely necessary- so the house isn’t looking it’s best. That just seems to bring me down further though and it makes me less inclined to speak to DH about helping out more. I don’t feel like I deserve it and that lots of women are doing a much better job than I am. I feel like my standards have slipped in all aspects of life- can’t find success in my career- can’t keep a nice house- can’t seem to parent my kids effectively and I’m feeling disconnected from my husband. I feel like no one wants me around apart from to cook their meals and do the laundry- but they complain about that anyway! I don’t have many friends- we moved to a new area 2.5 years ago- I am friendly with some mums from school but I struggle to form any real friendships.

I think I could probably benefit from therapy but I’m not sure what kind of therapist to look for or where to find one. I’ve bought self help books in the past but struggle to find time to read them.

Thanks for reading. If anyone else has gone through similar please share whatever helped you to get out of
this rut- I’m in a negative spiral and I just want to feel some happiness again.

It might sound like I'm stating the obvious but do you and dh spend any time together, just the two of you? It might be an opportunity to bring up how you are feeling again and that you need more help with tasks at home instead of the vast majority being down to you.

Do you have any time off? You sound burnt out. Maybe you could get an afternoon off a week when your husband minds the kids and you could go out?

Be kind to yourself. It is ok to be less than perfect, or not be on top of things. Just set yourself small targets that you can achieve easily.

You sound put upon and shattered. It's not up to yoru DH to decide whether you need a break. tell him what you need and take it.

Say, I haven't had a day off from cooking and cleaning and shopping in years. I'm exhausted and it's making me rgrumpy and resentful which is not nice for any of us. So I am going to stay with a friend for a long weekend next week. I hope when i come back we can talk through all the jobs in the house and all the mental load jobs, and share them fairly as I know you say I don;t appreciate what you do either, and I don't want either of us to take the other for granted.

If that doesn't work, just down tools. I just stopped doing the mental load for DH. I got SO pissed off with him. I used run myself ragged and then one day I just stopped. Now I know he secretly thinks he does way more than his fair share in the house. What he actually does is his fair share!

Or try new tactics. When he says "What's for lunch?" say: "You choose today and I'll choose tomorrow!" cheerfully as though it's a fun game. Throw his 'fun dad' energy back at him. Put on upbeat music and dance in the kitchen with DC instead of doing the washing up. If he says anything, just smile and say, 'Oh let's take turns. I did breakfast, can you do lunch?" in a really reasonable, non-judgemental, upbeat, happy-person voice.

Get in before he does and start a silly game with DC - hide and seek or tickle tournament or water pistol garden chasey etc and just carry on for hours and hours while dinner doesn't get made.

I know this sounds passive aggressive but it beats arguments where you get labelled the joyless nag. Just swap roles without informing him. Act at being the fun mum playful one and 'forget' to clean, tidy, shop, cook etc.

Meanwhile, claw back some time for yourself. it's great that you're working out. Add a long bath with good music playing once DC are in bed.

As to your child being rude to you, I used to get down to their level, make eye contact and say, 'I will never, ever do nice things for people who bully me. I won't be bullied and talked to rudely. Do you know how to ask nicely? If you do, try asking nicely." Then after that I'd just say, "Nicely?" or completely ignore until spoken to politely. They learn.

You need to have zero tolerance for being treated as a doormat by anyone.

Thanks for all your kind words. Sorry for my late response, I didn’t think anyone was going to reply. We don’t usually have time away from the kids and honestly we’re not so great at ‘talking’ or sharing feelings which I realise is not so helpful but they are skills neither of us have- despite both being good people who mean well generally. That was never really an issue until recently where I feel like I’m really struggling but can’t communicate about it. This is why I think I need some therapy. I have slowly started being more rubbish with food shopping, etc, and will say ‘no I don’t know what’s for dinner what do you want to do?’ if he questions it. He actually made our dinner last night- bought ingredients and everything but that was only because he recently did a cooking course and wanted to use up the curry paste he made 😂 Never mind what the kids are going to eat though! He’s selfish really- takes no notice of other people’s needs. I think a weekend away would be great- I would be tempted to leave him with an empty fridge and no instruction but the kids would probably suffer. Whenever I’m out he tends to take the kids to McDonald’s or his mum’s house anyway!

It doesn’t help that his mum and sister was /is a SAHM and I think he takes that all for granted. I don’t think he’s being sexist or
anything he’s just not thinking it through and perhaps thinks it’s easy to balance it all with a part time job. I wouldn’t mind so much if he showed a bit of gratitude!

Can I suggest that you self refer to Mind Matters?
I'm on the waiting list for this after an initial phone consultation but even talking to someone for the initial 45 minute conversation referral was a help in itself and I was given contacts for if and when I felt things were deteriorating.
Just knowing that I have done something to try and get myself out of the downward spiral has been positive. When things are particularly tough I mentally bundle up whatever my issue is and imagine doing a rugby football kick towards the goal posts with it and follow that up with a walk too even if it's just to the park with the grandkids.

You say your husband is a good person but I honestly don't see that here. He leaves everything to you and cherry picks the 'help' he gives. When you have tried to talk to him, he dismisses you.

It is easy for the DH to not notice, especially if you took on the role happily when you first met and it didn't feel a chore until you added dc I to the mix.

What would get through to him? The slightly passive aggressive suggestion above would only work if he had some self awareness. The same with downing tools and refusing to do anything, just makes you look selfish and unreasonable unless doing the work makes him reflect on how much their is to do.

My DH was always better than all other men we knew and it took me years to point out that it still wasn't a fair split. He was shocked and a bit offended but actually agreed when we had a proper discussion. Mental load is invisible and can be difficult to reassign.

Assuming he is a reasonable man I feel it is better to assign tasks and agree what 'being done' looks like eg laundry means noticing when it needs doing then washing /drying/putting away not just putting a load in the machine when you tell him. It sounds like you really dislike the meal prep so suggest doing a week each including the shopping which gives more autonomy than an every other day thing.

I realise this reply hasn't addressed your mh issues or your feelings about your career. What feels like your highest priority? What would be easiest to solve? Definitely worth speaking to your GP, maybe a switch of pill would help.

Thank you for the suggestion, I’ll look into this. I do think therapy may help with my communication issues and self worth but I wasn’t sure how to go about finding the right help.
I generally avoid conflict and have always been a people pleaser. I avoid difficult conversations as deep down I feel like I don’t deserve better and it might blow up in my face.

Thank you- yes I genuinely think he’s not noticing and is just a bit oblivious. I learnt a few years into our relationship that he just doesn’t get subtle hints. Despite knowing this, I have done the passive aggressive thing a bit but it’s no use really.

In fairness to him, he will proactively take care of certain things and he has taken on some admin (I don’t do bills, or house/car admin anymore). I definitely do resent the shopping and cooking now- it wasn’t a problem before the kids but we now have a wannabe fussy eater (complains but will eat it eventually), and a SEN child with genuine sensory/food issues and lots of allergies. It has become a completely joyless task tbh. He tends to give these sly digs about some meals he didn’t like or will complain if I didn’t buy the the right brand of something which clearly doesn’t help but of course he’s oblivious or he’ll say I’m too sensitive when I call him out. I genuinely think he’s ND as he really doesn’t understand or notice other peoples’ emotions or consider how he can upset people. He’s always been like this and I still married him- it’s only just starting to get to me now.

A few years ago I wrote a list of all the tasks we each did in a given week to try and demonstrate how much more I was doing. He got defensive and said I didn’t appreciate or see what he did. Of course that made me feel like crap and I haven’t raised it again. Maybe a few days away to recharge will help me and he may realise what I do for them- but honestly the washing will just pile up and his Mum will step in with the cooking.